The Jump

 I am standing in the dark, which is pressing me from all sides. In my hand, I hold a single candle, and its light is just enough to illuminate my immediate surroundings. The dark presses in, and I am afraid, but the light in my candle is strong, although gentile. The light will not go out, and it gives me endless comfort. Step by step, I venture into the unknown, trusting that my little light will illuminate my next steps when it comes time to take them.

Yesterday at church, I was praying during worship. All I kept asking is "what am I holding onto Lord that is keeping me from you?" Its an easy thing to do, but it takes its toll. God however, is beautiful. He answered me simply- its my future. It hit me like a ton of bricks, how worthless all that I desire is without Jesus. NOTHING is worth separation from Christ. There is so much unknown right now, but I am daily giving it all back. Today is my last full day in Uganda, and I know I will be back. This place is so ingrained in my heart, these boys are just waiting to receive my love. My kids are brave, and smart, and kind, and funny, and compassionate. They are the most inspiring and thoughtful children I have ever known. As I think about the holiday season, I realize what it means to give hope and love all over again. Jesus came to offer just that to those who were looked over by everyone else, and my aim is to love like He did.
I know God well enough to know that no matter where He leads me, it will be in His timing. He will do it in a way that lets Him take all the glory, and gives me peace and joy. There is no thought He does not know, no heartache or fear He does not understand, and no place I can hide from His ever loving presence. And as I take the jump that will be the next few months of my life, under the fear is the trust and excitement; I cannot wait to look back at this blog and think "how amazing is my Lord?" all over again!

Just a Glimps

So during my stay in Uganda, I have been able to witness something wonderful. There is a couple staying with me in the apartment who is adopting from Sanyu Babies Home. They are a wonderful couple, who have been living by faith this past year, trusting that God's will is best for them and the child they hoped to adopt. I have got to see the beautiful end to a long journey; Jackson, their little boy, is finally home with his parents!
The message this little boy has received is LOVE.  It is all around him as he settles into his family. All day, every day, are praises of love. If he is sad, upset, frightened, or if he has made a mistake. When he is being silly, cuddly, or sweet... they are constantly telling him how much he is loved. The love they are pouring into him is working wonders too; I have seen such a transformation in just a few days. The shy and uncertain baby who first came to stay here is now a thriving young toddler who is safe in his parents love. Equally joyful to watch is Sally and Tim's delight is they interact and experience their son. To see how perfectly God has matched them, that they really are the best He could give to each of them, is amazing.
Its been a beautiful illustration of what God thinks of us. Of before we accept salvation, how much He longed for us to join His family. How much we need our Father. Of how God transforms our hearts daily by the power of His abounding love for each of us. How unending and limitless that love is! And (and this is the part that we cannot see well with human eyes) how much He truly cherishes and delights in each moment He gets to spend with His children.
I see this illustration in every Godly act of love we give here on earth. Whether it me and my street kids, or a groom and his new bride, God is trying to show us how much He loves us. I am sure that as much as Jackson's adoption was about giving him and his parents the family they dreamed of, is is equally about showing others how it mirrors Gods own acts of love. What a beautiful Lord!!!

Brothers in Christ

The other day, as me, Abby, David and Abdul were driving home from Bombo (the village where the boy's new home is), some men on a boda started yelling at me. I was inside the taxi, and they were shouting obscene things through the window. David and Abdul are two of the kindest, most calm guys I know, but when they heard the things those men were saying to me, they got mad. They yelled back at the guys, and ended up throwing water through the window at them. I was super embarrassed, but I also felt really protected. This is not an uncommon feeling for me; often I am walking and one of the uncles has to come to my defense. I suppose I would feel more uncomfortable here without them, but they really do care about me, and really will protect me.

When I was younger, I wanted an older brother so badly. I wanted someone to look up to, and to protect me, and come to my defense. I wanted someone to laugh with, and who I could trust and confide in. Now I look around in my life, and I see not one brother, but many. Yesterday, me and Abby were talking about how much these guys have had to overcome. Here in Uganda, its a patriarchal society. Women have no say, and most of the men here treat me with disrespect because they have never been taught different. The uncles we work with have not been taught by their fathers either. They were taught by their Heavenly Father. These men have learned to overcome everything their culture has taught them about women, and have come to see us as God created us. They treat me with respect, honor and love. I am amazed at how much God has worked in their hearts to help them rise above the things this world wanted to teach them. Its just one more way I see God moving hearts over here, and I am so thankful He does!

Little Faith

The past few days have been so full of joy for me, and also so full of worry. On Friday, we (me, Abby, David, Abdul, and a few friends) went to the boys home on the new land. Its such a beautiful place, and so full of hope and love for those boys. We were not just celebrating those houses, but the journey God has taken all of us on. From bringing those boys off the streets, to the healing they have had, to the safety and permanence of these new homes. In all of those works, I see God. I know it was God that moved, and God that made things happen. When I see the land, and the homes, I know it is a place where God dwells. He is there, He made it happen, and they (including the boys in them) are His. He has been so faithful in all of it, and I can see His fingerprints on everything.
So if I know that I serve a faithful God, a King more loyal and abundant than I can ever imagine, why am I so afraid? Because I am afraid; I am terrified that God will not let me come back here for some reason. I am sick with worry that God gave me this love, only to make me watch from afar. I am so sure (more sure than I have ever been about anything) that God has called me to Uganda, to make it my home. But this fear that God will take that away is consuming me. I have been learning a lot about myself and my faith the past few days, and rediscovering again what it means to love Jesus. Do I truly love Jesus? Would I still serve Him with my whole heart if He told me I was not coming back to Uganda? Would I still trust His plan for me, even if things don't work out? I have been praying that God would lead me out of this place of fear, because I do not want to be here. I want to know that God will work it all out, and I want to love JESUS enough to follow HIM anywhere (even where I do not want to go...). 
Jesus gave me this love, the passion for my boys. He brought me to Uganda, and has opened every door that I have come to. He has NEVER let me down, and He never will. That is the God I follow, and the God I will continue to follow, even if every plan I have falls apart. The truth is that I do not serve a God of "what if"
"what if I cannot come back to Uganda?"
"what if I don't find a sender?"
"what if I have to watch my boys from afar, and trust that God can take care of them without me?"

I serve the God of "I AM"
" I AM the King who gave you this love"
"I AM the Lord who you can trust with everything"
"I AM the Redeemer who can make all things possible"
"I AM the one who loves these boys the most"
"I AM the one who came before Uganda, and will be with you long after Uganda has faded from your heart"

That is the God I choose to serve. A wise and wonderful friend gave me some sound advice when I told her of my fears. She said that if God wants me back in Uganda, He will get me here. That is true, and even though the idea makes it hard for me to breath as I consider it, I am surrendering everything I have, I am, and I hold dear to Jesus. If He brings me back here, its His plan. If He doesn't, I will trust in Him anyways, and hold onto Him while He leads me in a new direction.

Lead Me, and I will Follow

Okay, so I keep coming back to this verse in John. Jesus is relentless in His question- "do you love me?" Do I love you Lord? Yes! I want to shout and scream and show everyone that I love my God above all else. But I can't, not so that people really believe me. I have to show it with my life- my life as a living sacrifice. The part of this story at the end of John that I am stuck on right now is when God says

"When your were younger, you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but now you are older you will stretch out your hands and someone else will dress you and lead you, even where you do not want to go" 21:18
What does that mean for my life? When I lift my hands in praise to God, its also in surrender. I am acknowledging that I am nothing, I have nothing without Him.

Becoming a parent at 21 is something I never believed I would do, and yet I have more info on how to raise a teenager than most girls my age. And even though I love my kids like they are my own, I have
NO idea what I am doing. The other day, my Eddie (who is 14 now) decided he was going to go home to see his brother. He asked me "can I go?". I wanted to say no, because his brother has a lot of shady girls around and smokes pot all the time, but I didn't. Instead, I let Eddie choose- I told him to make good choices, and prayed that he would not break the trust he has been earning so much of recently. Two days later, he called me saying "mom, can I come home?". When I asked him why, he told me that he was uncomfortable with his brother, and he felt tempted. I was so grateful that he wanted to make the right choice, and told him yes, I wanted him home. Did I make the right choice that time? Maybe. Will I mess up again? Totally. Why did nobody tell me parenting was so hard!
  When I was younger, I thought I knew what was best. I did what I wanted, and made my own plans. Now I am older, I let go of my life. I accept and trust that my Father knows best for me. He will lead me where I can do the most good for Him, and He will provide for me when I follow (to places that are far beyond my comfort or ability). There is something wonderful about having to trust completely in my King.

Peace

So I am back and its been amazing so far. It honestly feels like I never left... and I love that. I got here, and the boys from our home came to get me from the airport. The next day, I went to the ladies program and helped Abby buy jewelry, and I went to street program too. It was so amazing seeing the boys there, who all remember me and were really happy I was back. They came in their filthy clothes, and I couldn't help thinking how much I love them, and how their grubby clothes just add to their charm. The boys at our home are doing so well, and they have been a joy. I have been going by in the afternoons to see them, and we mostly just play games or sit and talk. They are extra snugly too, because they have not been feeling well, so I got lots of hugs and cuddles :)

One of the most difficult things has been seeing some of the boys that were in our home, now living on the streets. Godfry ran away, and has been in street programs. He was so excited to see me, and was doing alright, but it breaks my heart to know where they are now, and that I cannot do anything for them. The other boy that I have seen is Davis- he is, I have to say, the only boy I know who does really well for himself on the streets. He is a very clever kid, and knows everyone worth knowing in the slums. He is also good with money... and Davis is above all else, exceptionally charming. Yesterday, when he came to programs, he was all charm and smiles. He looked so smart (or well dressed) and kept saying he was doing so well for himself. He told me the story of how he ran away, and it was clear to me that he is so full of anger, but there is no reason for it. He has nobody to blame for his troubles but himself. Under all that rage and charm however, was the broken kid I love. Before he left, I grabbed his head and made him look at me ( he was avoiding eye contact because he did not want me to see his hurting). I told him I loved him so much, no matter what. For just a second, he cracked. He told me he loved me too, and that he missed me so much. UGGHHHHH can you say heartbreak? Gosh, this 16 year old boy has the ability to shatter my heart like no guy ever could. That is the danger of working with street kids I guess, they are just so darn lovable, and also often so hard to help.

On Friday, at the ladies program, Abby shared a bible study from 1 Kings. Its the story of Elijah, when he goes onto the mountain to hear from God, and God comes in the whisper. But she focused a lot on the part that came before that... on the part when he is getting ready to go. When God tells him to go, Elijah burns all of his possessions for farming, and kills his livestock. Why? Because he knew that he had heard from God, and that he had to just GO and not think about it to much. He did not even give himself the opportunity to turn around. That is how I feel a lot these days... like God's voice has been so clear. That I know my direction, and there is no turning back from here. And the best part is that I am so ready, and my soul has so much peace.

Who Am I?

Okay everyone,


So here I go, back to Uganda! This trip is short (from Nov 29th to Dec 23rd) but I still want to keep people involved in whats going on over there. I have always wanted this blog to be about giving glory to God, and showing How awesome and wonderful He is. In order to do that, I have to be honest about whats going on with me... how human I really am.

In the past few months, I have been struggling with pride, which crept up on me so slowly I did not recognize it until recently. When I first got home, people would say "you are so amazing, with all you do for those kids" and I would immediately tell them that I did nothing, and that God was the amazing one. But after a month or so, I began to take credit for the complements. I began to think "I am giving up a lot to work with these kids" when people would ask me what life in Uganda was like. I cannot lie, writing this even now is painful, knowing I entertained these ideas. Well, anyways, I did think these things and more.
It was not until recently that I saw the plank in my own eye. It came totally unexpectedly- I got an email from one of the boys that was in our street programs before he got a scholarship. He told me that he hated me; because I was American and because white people only came to Uganda to look at poor people and study monkeys. At first, his email just made me angry. How dare this boy tell me that he hates me. How could he tell me that I am not serving him? And then, just as soon as these ideas passed through my head, Jesus spoke up. I could feel His whisper asking me "who are you Caitlyn?"

who am I to think that this boy is wrong in his opinions?
who am I to say I am 'giving up' anything- was it mine to begin with?
who am I to take credit for anything that happens to those wonderful street kids?
who am I to be able to even witness it??

Wow, ouch. And all of the sudden I could see- and although it was painful, I was so blessed. Now I have been working on my heart, making sure it is humble enough to go. Humble enough to serve, and to love like Jesus. Because if the Alpha and Omega came to this earth as the lowest of the low, then who am I?

Tu Mutende

Tu Mutende is one of my favorite luganda songs. Its called "we praise Him" in English. I praise my King for the amazing things He did in my last few days in Uganda.

Last time I posted, my two kids had run away. Little Bashil, whom I love and adore, was gone because he was angry at me. I was so worried and heartbroken, sure that the damage done my me leaving could not be fixed. I had little faith though, because God is bigger than me, and His healing is amazing. Two nights ago, the boys came home on their own (meaning they realized their mistake and wanted to be back in our home). Bashil apologized and said he did not like the streets, and that he was so sorry and would never run again. He wasn't even mad at me for leaving- he told me he loved me and continued to spend time with me up until the moment I left. This is remarkable, and seriously shows how far he has come from the broken, stubborn, guarded child that first came into Abby's home. God has done beautiful things in healing that child, and I am more in love with Jesus for it (if that is possible).

On Wednesday night, I went to my friend David's house (David who does the paper beads). We had a little goodbye dinner with some of the street kids I am closest to. It was an amazing night. Me, David, Uncle Mark, and about 15 of our kids sat in David's one room house. By candlelight, we read stories out of the bible just to entertain the boys. We sang and prayed for about 30min, and ate together. I got a chance to just share with those boys how much I love them. It was there, in that little room with candles, listening to David's rich African voice sing worship that I again realized how much I love my God. I love Him for being a King of all people, all languages, and all places. I love Him for creating me for Africa, and for sending me there.

Thursday night I took the boys at our home a special dinner. We ate together, and played some cards, and then I said goodbye. It was hard leaving, but its easier knowing I will be back in December. Even so, I was sobbing by the time I left. I know my boys love me, and I that God put them in my life to stay. In the 10 weeks I am home in America, I will be thinking of them and the street kids, every day.

One prayer request I have is that I would be able to serve God equally effectively for the boys while I am in America. That means not sinking into depression because I am not in Africa. Please pray that God gives me joy in serving Him wherever I am, because I know that His plans for me (even regarding my kids) do not end here. There is so much work to be done, so let my heart be willing :)

I am going to board my flight soon, but as I leave there are a few things that my heart is sure of. The first is that God created me for this- for working with street kids and living in Uganda. He made my heart specifically for this work, and I am so blessed to know that. When I get home, I am going to begin my application with GTN, and then spend the next few months gathering support to become a full time missionary here. The second thing goes along with that, and it is that Uganda is my home. I know that no matter how long I am gone from this place, it will always be my home. This is not goodbye to Uganda, this is just the end of the beginning. The end of finding my calling, and getting comfortable with the idea of being here full time. Now Uganda is my reality, and I am prepared and in love with the idea of living out what God has called me to do with my life!

Two-a-Days

Okay I know I just posted, it was morning for me, and now tonight I am posting again. I just really feel like sharing how I am feeling, which is a mix of many emotions and thoughts . . .

Its pouring out, and our boys did not come home all day, meaning that they are out in the cold right now. They are probably in the mud somewhere, because Uganda gets muddy in the rain. I keep hearing the gate and my heart jumps at the idea that my boys are home, but they don't come. I can't help but crying as I write this- I am heartbroken. Please, please pray that God moves in their hearts and brings them back to us.

Tomorrow, me and Abby are going craft shopping and spending the day together. I have been so blessed by her and our friendship. I am the kind of person who needs someone that I am CLOSE to, like, really good friends. When I left for Uganda, I did not know who that person would be, but I knew God would provide me with someone. That amazing girl is Abby. She is so wise, and fun to be with, and compassionate, and our hearts for the kids look very similar. I love working with her, but mostly I love being her friend, and thinking about the future of our friendship in Uganda fills me with joy.

I hate change. I hate the unfamiliar. I hate building my life in Uganda, and still living one in the US. It leaves me discontented and torn. I know that God has a plan, and I see Him moving the pieces into place, its just my timing is off. Whenever God is about to bring me into a new situation, I always resist. Its like He is urging me toward a great cliff, promising to catch me, but I dig in my heals. And then, there is always a moment when God moves not just in my life, but in my heart. Then, all the sudden I am ready. I know that before I go, as I pray and take comfort in my return, God will bring my heart to that point. I will still be sad, because the little loves of my life are staying here, but I will be ready. Not just ready to give into His plans, but ready to run and jump off, because even in my fear I know He will catch me.

Tears in the Sunshine

 Yesterday was the begining of goodbye. First, I dropped Eddy and one of the other street kids (Ibra, whom I ADORE) off at Alpha and Omega boarding school. Saying goodbye to them was really hard, because it was the last time I will see them until December. Me and Eddy both cried, which only made it worse. I felt like a parent saying goodbye as their child leaves for college. Then I got home and had missed the goodbye of the three boys in our home (Sadic, Peter and William) who are in P7. They had also left for boarding, and I am not sure I will get a chance to see them before I go.



Eddy, Me and Ibra (sorry the pic is funny)



Me and little Bashil have been in a sort of battle for the past few weeks. He is constantly trying to prove I love him, and I am constantly not meeting his ridiculouse expectations. Last night when I got home. he was in a really weird mood. He kept saying he loved me, but that I was a terrible person. He said I was not a Christian, that I did not really love the boys, that I had secret bad behavior and words. The list went on and on, and when he refused to leave my room, even by force, I started to cry. He finally left me to sit and clean up my overturned rice (which had gotten stepped on in our struggle) in the dark room (no electricity). Other boys ( Emma and Monday) came in, and helped me clean my floor, and comforted me as I wept from the stress of that day. I cried even harder at the contrast of their kindness in light of what had just happened. Jesus used two preteen boys to show His love for me last night.

After I calmed down, I went in and had a talk at devotions. I told the boys that I loved them so much, and that the Holy Spirit had given me love for them, so nothing they did could ever make me stop. I also told them that I was really dissapointed in the way they had treated me this summer, and that if they continued to treat other aunties like this (which they have done in the past) people would not want to come visit them. Mostly I told them I loved them, and I thought it went fairly well.

Thismorning I woke up to terrible news. Little Bashil and another boy had run away. They said it was for different reasons, but I know it was because of what I said last night. I feel super guilty, like its all my fault, and have spent the time since I heard this news in tears. Abby spoke truth when she said that we dicipline them like a normal family would, but these kids are just runners. She also made the point that I said what I said because I love them, because I want them to grow into goldy men. I still feel aweful, like its all my fault.

Jesus thinks what Abby thinks, because when I was doing my devotion today, I came across this passage in Hebrews. "let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from the guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water" 10:22

For me, today, this verse applies to the way I love the kids. I have faith that God will give me the heart to perservere. And I can be washed clean of my guilt because I acted in Spirit filled love. I have faith in God, meaning I am SURE of God. I know that God has everything in His mighty hands, and I am SURE He will take care of it. The next few days are going to be really hard, and I am not looking forward to them at all. I have no doubt that this is going to be the hardest part of my whole trip (even with the certainty I will be back). I have so much anxiety about leaving the boys, especially when my leaving makes something like this happen. So I will have faith in my King; being sure He will fufill what I hope for and certain His is in control of what I cannot see (or forsee).

My Ugandan Life....

Sorry its been so long, but life here gets crazy! We have a pair of dentists from the US running a clinic for our boys and people in the community this week. I was not prepared to become a dental assistant, but that is what my job is. Its kinda fun, and also exhausting, so every night I get done and go strait to bed. My job with A.P.I never seems like work to me, so this must be what it feels like to those less fortunate.

Last week, we took in a 7yr old boy named Yahyah. I was super looking forward to posting a nice blog just like the one David got. Yahyah (maybe I talked about him before) is so broken. He does so many drugs, and until I met him, I had never seen true hopelessness in someones eyes before. He breaks my heart because he is a really wonderful kid. When we took him in, he had an almost immediate turnaround. He would chase the dog around and act like a puppy (such a kid thing to do) and he would rollerskate ALL day. He loved getting hugs and spending time with the aunties and uncles- everything looked good. Two days ago however, he ran away. We are not sure why, and when we went to find him, he hid from us in the slums. It breaks my heart that God provided such a good chance for him, and that Yahyah was so happy, but Satan used this broken world to entice him back into a broken life. Please be praying that Jesus works in his heart, and that Yahyah comes home!

I do have a story of praise though :) Last Friday at programs, we found one of the boys there, Richard, who was so sick. He is a little mentally impaired (I think, and so did the doctors) and he mistook a soda bottle for a bottle of acid. We don't know how much he drank, but he was in bad shape when we found him the next day. Me and my friend Eddy rushed him to the hospital (yes, being in a third world hospital is as bad as you'd imagine) and stayed with him for two days. Late on Friday night, with his tongue totally burned and crying of pain even on morphine, the doctors told me he may not make it (he was throwing up his stomach lining). I was terrified, and all I could do was hold his little hand a pray like crazy. God is amazing, and healed this precious boy. Yesterday when I saw him, Richard was totally back to normal. I love that kid, and I love Jesus!!

I come home a week from Friday, and I am getting really nervous. I think the shock of being back in America is going to be the hardest part of this whole experience, and I really have to trust that God is going to get me through it. For those who don't know, I am officially on staff with A.P.I. I am getting ready to send in my application to Global Training Network so I can start raising support for my life as a missionary. My plan is to finish school, and come back to Uganda. I want to spend 4 months in Uganda, then 2 in the US, and just repeat this cycle so that I am not in Uganda ALL the time, just most of it. I have learned more Luganda than I ever could have guessed, and even dream in it almost every night. I am going to continue learning when I come home, so that when I come back in December I will know even more (did I mention I am coming back December 1st? I can't remember...). I feel so at home here, and it amazes me that saying "I am a missionary in Uganda" feels so easy. The street kids are the most amazing children I have ever met, and God breaks my heart for them in new ways ever day. I cannot imagine my life without them in it now. My life is like a puzzle, and God is slowly filling in the pieces- I just love watching each one fall into place.

Your name is like honey on my lips,

Your Spirit like water to my soul,

Your Word is a lamp unto my feet,

Jesus I love you, I love You

Feels Like Home

This week at camp has been amazing so far, and its only the first full day. For those at home who can picture me, imagine me doing these things...

Swimming in Lake Victoria. Jumping off the dock with 10 little kids. In the shallow part, teaching them to dogie paddle and how to float (an excellent exercises in trust!)

Lounging in the grass, watching the kids that I adore so much play endless football, my hair loose and my face warmed by the sun.

Watching the sun set over the lake, marveling at how a sunset can be so many colors. Then after it gets dark, standing out on a veranda in my sweatshirt, watching a lightning storm over the water (breathtaking).

Singing and dancing to African music by a campfire on the beach. My kids are all around me, and we are laughing and praising Jesus is a totally fun African way!

I am pretty sure that in all of those instances, the look/ word to describe me would be "pure joy". Its a joy that comes from Jesus Himself, and I know this because my headache came back full force yesterday (oh well...). But there is still no place in the world I would rather be. God gave me a deep love for my family, friends, and Davis. But if home is where the heart is, then I truly have two homes. Uganda and these kids have completely captured me- my heart sings with joy.

Joy for my Creator who gives all. Joy for the wonderful, supportive family I come from. Joy for the new adventures life is bringing me. Joy for Uganda and its beauty. And joy for my precious little boys

Camp Dembe

Okay people, sorry its been so long! Life here got buys, and then I got knocked out for a week with a wicked migraine headache, but now I am back :) This week is a little different than usual. I am in Entebbe, getting ready for summer camp. There is a team of college students from Point Loma in CA that have been planning (all year) to run a camp for the boys in our home and the boys at another home called African Hearts (who also work with street kids). Me and Gina are going to be camp counselors along with the 6 other Americans, and 6 Ugandan staff members. We are going to have about 50 kids. Camp Dembe (Peace) as we are calling it, is at the zoo! We are staying in dorms and so far it has been an adventure. I have been here two days, the kids are not even here yet, and already I've had so much fun. We had a bonfire on the beach, took a night walk through the zoo (the lions were all awake and I got to pet a hyena!!). Today, I held a baby crocodile, scratched the back of a rhino, and fed a baby monkey my breakfast (there is a "tribe" of monkeys that live naturally in this area, so they join us for mealtime hoping for scraps). Its going to be a fun week- I just know it

My group of campers is going to be mostly boys from our home, as well as a few from African Hearts. I, along with another guy and two Ugandan helpers, am leading the 15/16 yr kids. In my group are some of my favorite boys from the house, and I am looking forward to getting to spend some different/quality time with them. I am also just excited about camp; I LOVE being a counselor for RCP, and was really bummed I didn't get to do it this year. Little did I know that God would still be providing me with a fun camp experience.

Two nights ago, I called home crying hysterically. I was so exhausted from my headache, and so emotionally worn down from a lot of things that have happened here recently. I also had some hard personal stuff back home, which didn't help. On top of all that, I only have a few weeks left here, and although I am coming back in December, its going to break my heart to leave. All of that combined kind of lead to an emotional meltdown, and I was telling my mom that I did not know how God was going to pull me out if that pit, let alone get me through this week at camp (where I need to be 110%). Jesus is amazing though, and He never lets me down. At my lowest of lows, He took me away from everything. He provided me with a beautiful environment, and relieved me of my migraine. He gave me new and amazing friends, and together we are enjoying a lot of laughter. I feel refreshed and excited for what is to come. God is wonderful- have I ever said how deeply I love Him??

Divine Love

On Monday, me and Abby were walking to programs after we had lunch. We had decided to walk around Kiseka Market instead of through it (for no good reason, especially since its the shortest way). About a block into our walk, we saw a little boy around 10 coming down the street. His clothes were filthy and torn, and he had no shoes. In his hands he held three empty water bottles, as well as a bottle of chenge- this little kid is one of ours. We stopped him and asked his name (Jude) and if he wanted to come to programs. He said yes, but we told him we did not accept drugs into our programs. Immediately, he dropped all the bottles he was carrying, and began to walk with us. A moment later, I asked him how he was, and he said he was "good!" with a huge smile on his face. That day Jude got a new haircut, juice and chapati, and our love.

I cannot describe the love I felt when I saw Jude walking down the street. It did not matter that I had never seen him before; I did not need to know him to love and accept him. It was a moment of instant familiarity and belonging, like he had always had a place in my heart and I just didn't know it yet. Its amazing to me what the love of Christ looks like, that no matter where these kids have been or what they've done, I love them. Sometimes they drive me insane, and sometimes I spend the whole day yelling trying to control them, but I still adore them. My heart lights up with passion and love whenever I see them on the streets, and I want to yell "I LOVE you!" to each little ragged child I spot. Like I said, I cannot even describe it, but I know that I feel this way because Jesus has given me a little piece of His own heart for these kids. And although I only have a small glimpse into His love for them, its still so intense. It both frightens me, and amazes me- the Bible is right when it says we cannot know the depth of our Fathers love for us. I honestly think it would kill me, so much love cannot be contained in a human (more proof that Jesus was who He claimed to be). What is more amazing is that God loves EVERY person He created like this- each one of His children is loved just as strong as the next. When Jesus found me, He called me by name. I was like Jude, lost in this world. Jesus saw me, filthy and broken and needing Him. And His heart lit up with passion infinitely deeper than mine- I was His, and He had found me!

I can only offer these boys (or anyone else) the love that Jesus has given me for them. And while that is strong, it is not enough. His love is deeper, and stronger and everlasting. His love is Divine, and in it, they are secure.

David Pics

Here are some pics of David coming home. The first one is me, Uncle David (the guy in the blue shirt), Abby and two of the boys (Dissan who is 12 and big Bashir who is about 15 ) welcoming David at the gate. David is the little one next to me. The second is me and David after dinner. He was dozing on my lap, and was shy so he didn't want to smile. But how darling is this child? I am so glad he is home! Today, he got placed in Primary 2 (second grade), and he will start next week. He hardly speaks any English, so I am eager for him to start learning. The other boys have been so welcoming to him, especially the older boys. Peter, our oldest, is 17 and it has been amazing watching him be a mentor and brother to little David. Even little Bashir, who is 9 and used to being the baby, has been doing super well. He has only had minor jealousy issues, and hasn't been too mean. All in all, I know that God totally has his hand over this, and it is His decision  :)

Praise Jesus!

About a month ago, a little boy called David showed up in our street programs; when I say little I mean it, he is about 6, and very tiny. He was so shy and hurting he did not look at anyone, let alone talk to them. I loved him from the start, but I couldn't break through to him. On the day we went to the beach with the street kids(remember that blog?) David was SO cold. He was shaking and exhausted from swimming, and he just needed a break, so he came and sat in my lap. Within 5min he had fallen asleep, leaving a big pool of drool on my shirt- it was adorable! After that, each day at programs he would come up to me and grab my hand, and hold on tight. And almost every day, he would take a nap on my lap at some point, because it was the only time he felt safe enough to sleep.

I deeply love all the kids in our programs, but God speaks in my heart about some particular boys, and David quickly became one of them. When a boy is that young, the streets can ruin them. Older boys pick on them, and abuse them all the time. People in the slums take advantage of them all the time too, and they truly are not safe. Within a few weeks of being at our programs, I began to notice a change in David. Instead of letting boys pick on him, he began to fight back, and fight hard. The other boys get jealous whenever I spend to much time with one kid, and they hated when David would nap or hold my hand, so they beat him and stole his things. Fortunately, David was still at the point that he would rather have attention and love, even if he did get abused for it, but it would not stay like that for long... soon he would pull away. About a week and a half ago, Jesus spoke clearly in my heart. He wanted David off the streets, and into not just any home, but an API home. Naturally, I assumed that since the new home we are opening is for younger boys, he would go there in about three months when it opens. The idea of him on the streets for three more months did not give me peace at all, but it was not my call to make. I did not want Abby to feel like I was pressuring her because we have no room in our home, and all the volunteers want specific kids off the streets, so I could not say anything (although I did hint a lot :). I knew if Jesus wanted him off the streets, then He would need to work in Abby and David's hearts too, because it was not my place to say anything.

Last night, I got a call from them. Turns out, the Holy Spirit had been working in their lives too. Abby and David (Abby's husband) realized that David  is a special and sweet kid, and that 3 more months could damage him beyond repair. We do not serve a God that wants His children hurting, and Jesus would not want us to wait before bringing David into a home. So, they told me, David was going to come home tomorrow :)

At programs today, Uncle David (who makes the paper beads, and may be the lead uncle in our new home- sorry there are so many Davids!), me and Abby told little David that he was going to come to our home. Its amazing to me how the kids react. They never believe us at first- like they have been let down so much, it will hurt to bad to become excited. David just nodded, and agreed that he did want to come into the home, but he hardly smiled at all. So Uncle David took him for his "special day" where he got to get all his new clothes, a new bed, sheets, shoes, and a special lunch. After that, finally, David came home! When he got off the boda outside the gate, all the boys were cheering and hugging him. I swear, it still amazes me at how small he is- he is a baby. Inside, he gradually warmed up (it was overwhelming because we had the team that is visiting over for dinner, but it was good because they took lots of pictures which I will post soon) and by the end of the night, he was giggling, smiling and hugging all the boys, aunties and uncles. When I went to tuck the boys in bed, he was chatting away with the kids in his room, and was so excited to be sleeping in a bed- watching a child transform from a street kids to a kid with a family is a miracle in itself, and it is wonderful.

God saved David from the streets today. Bringing him home, I was reminded of two things. The first was that our homecoming to Heaven will be much like David's was today- we will have our family there, with the Father waiting for His child to be safe in His eternal kingdom. There will be rejoicing, and the pain of this world will be over; we will be safe, and we will be HOME with our Father who loves us! Secondly, its such a blessing to see how much God's love can heal. Jesus did this my friends, not me or Abby or David. The Spirit worked in our hearts to provide unity and a safe place for this amazing child. Jesus provided the love we have for him, and it will be Jesus who heals him from the trauma he experienced. Today was just the first step in that long process, but it was a big step. The hard part is over: Jesus does rescue the lost and the hurting, and David is safe now, because David is home!

"I will sing to the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. May my meditation be pleasing to Him, as I rejoice in the Lord!" - Psalm 104:33

Above Reproach/ God is Moving

There are some things that I do not want to share with Jesus, but at the same time, am honored to be able to say "I understand what He was thinking". In Uganda, being white makes me stand out a lot. When I go out, people are always watching me. They notice how I dress, what I say, where I go, and how I act. When I am at home, the boys are always watching me- even when I am alone in my room, there are often little faces peeping through just to check on me. Here, people see the color of my skin and they immediately assume that I have money. Someone is always asking for something, needing something (sometimes its strangers wanting money, and mostly its my kids needing attention). By the end of the day, I have nothing left to give. I am emotionally exhausted, as well as physically. I used to think I just needed to "suck it up" and keep giving, but awhile ago my friend Cara made a good point. She said that Jesus knows what I am feeling. Wherever He went, people noticed Him. He was always being challenged, and the Pharisees were always waiting for Him to slip up. He had to preach from a boat just to get some breathing space- I know that feeling!! It was such a comfort for me to realize that God really does know what I am going through, and He understand that sometimes its just to much, and I do need time ALONE with Him. Mostly, I am in awe that Jesus would limit all His mighty power into the form of a human, just to experience life like I do. It makes me appreciate that sacrifice all over again, and now I know the reason as well as the price of living (or trying to live) above reproach.

Day by day I am more in awe of how much God moves in this place. When things are desperate, and there is no other way, you can really see God's hand. Today, I got to tell Eddy that I am sending him to boarding school in the fall. Its a really nice Christian school, and it will be so good for him. He was SO excited, and so was I. God put all the pieces into place for me, and its given me some peace about leaving him here in Uganda. At least now I know that he will be in a safe place, with people who care about him. Abdul, who I also blogged about, has been taken to boarding also! Little Peter that lived with Uncle David got taken to the African Hearts home (where Abby used to work) just today. That is three boys in better places in just a few days. Tomorrow I will have the most exciting news ever, but I cannot say until it happens (because I have Ugandan friends who also read this blog :) But people, its a HUGE PRAISE and I cannot wait to tell about it!!!!!!!!!!! Abby and me were talking yesterday about how amazing street kids are. Once they get into your heart, they will not leave. I often feel like I am working in a secretive society of lost boys. These kids do not let anyone in or trust anyone, and yet somehow God has given me the privilege of loving them and being loved in return. They are amazing, empathetic, smart, crafty, and so sweet. But as much love as I have for these kids, only Jesus can save them and change their lives. Only He can heal the deep hurt they have, and He is. Every day, I see His love healing boys who were so broken, hurting, lost or angry. His love is soothing, saving, and bringing peace, blessings and joy to these beautiful children.
Even as I write this, my two Ugandan friends are in my room praying over the ways God is working here, and my heart is glowing and overflowing with love and praises to Jesus!!!

Teams, Kiseni, and a Change in Plans

Wow, I have been SOOOO busy the past few days! We had our second team here, but this team was with us for a full week. Can I just say that it was such a blessing to have them serving there? They were a team of high school kids from Chicago, and they poured all their love and energy into our kids for the time they were here. The first two days they worked on the new land in Bombo, building our new home. The boys from our house also went, so the team got to bond with them. The last few days they went to street programs, as well as had a party at Grace House (which was such a blessing to those kids because they don't get fun things like that very often). It was great having others pour into the kids, and into the staff. I now understand the importance of teams; although it was an exhausting week it was also such a blessing, I cannot even say. If any team members are reading this, thank you so much for all you did!!
On the last day the team was here, we took the boys to a slum called Kiseni. Its the worst slum in Uganda, with the most street kids. Each time I think God cannot break my heart any more, He finds a way. We run our programs out of a slum called Kivulu, and while there is extreme poverty there, it is nothing like Kiseni. There, drugs are soled openly on the streets. I was surrounded by street kids, all of them inhaling chenge (jet fuel to get high), some of them so drugged they were falling over. The ground is all black from where people burn trash and scrap (to get any of the plastic off the metal). There is open sewage in the streets, and it smells awful. We met kids with horrible soars, and cuts that reached the bone. In Kiseni, nobody advocates for the street kids, meaning that the kids are tougher (less open to love, and possibly more in need of it), and more abused. People use them for labor, drugs, and sex (I am talking about kids too, not even teenagers). Kiseni is a picture of what the fallen world looks like, and its devastating. When I left, my heart actually felt heavy, and I was so emotionally exhausted that I wanted to break down and sleep/cry for hours. Almost all the boys from our home came from this slum, as well as all the kids in our street programs. When I think about the boys that I love and care about living there, it makes me sick. Nobody, especially no child, should ever have to see that, let alone live it. I am learning to really appreciate the importance of hope in the eternal, as well as looking forward to when Jesus makes all things new.
Onto other news- I have prolonged my stay awhile. Its not finalized yet, but we just found out that a team is coming in late August, and Amanda will be gone. I have been praying for weeks that God would provide an answer for me (without school, I was so torn on if I should stay). I decided that the only reason I would stay was because I was afraid; afraid to renter American society, afraid to be away from my boys, afraid of being disconnected from the ministry, afraid of what comes next for me. But God tells me not to be afraid, and so to put my trust in Him, I decided I would come home in August like I had planned (having no idea if I would be back). But I serve a King of abundance, and He blessed my choice. After almost a month of no peace, I finally found it. I know that the ministry needs me, and I feel God's blessing over my decision to stay- or actually, all the sudden I KNEW that the way to find peace was to stay. It was clearly God speaking to me, and it was awesome :) Soooo I will be staying only about 20 days longer than I had thought, and will be coming home around early/mid September. I have also been talking to Abby about my involvement in the ministry back in the states, and I will write more later, but its looking like API and me are going to have a long and wonderful future together.
This weeks thoughts on Jesus:
In my moments of weakness, and in the middle of this brokenness, I am reminded that I serve an awesome God. I serve the King of Kings, the Alpha and Omega. My God will never let me down, He does work miracles, and is the God of wonders. Sometimes to prove His mightiness, Jesus needs to take away all other options, but its in those moments that He is best glorified. Praise Him- Amen

Little Updates

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I didn't realize how long it had been, but honestly things here are happening so fast and time just zooms by. First I should say that I got REALLY sick; like I thought I was sick before. Nothing compared to this time though- it was a bacterial infection and now I am on antibiotics and feeling so much better (I thought I was going to die- I was just sitting at the clinic crying because my body ached so bad). But now I feel super fine. Other things to talk about? Abby and David are back in ministry. I think the transition is going to be a little hard for everyone to adjust to, but I am SOOOO glad to have them home. I super missed having them around, and I love this awesome, godly couple who adore these kids so much. We are having some major problems with one of the boys in the home, and he had the choice of either shaping up his attitude or facing some life changing consequences. If people at home could say a little prayer for him, that he would be able to change in the time we gave him, because I really love this boy and don't want him to be hurt by his stubbornness. Another prayer request is that we would find a new way to meet with the kids on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The pastor of Grace Fellowship Church in Kivulu has told us we cannot meet those days in the church, meaning that we are canceling those days of programs. They are my favorite days because they are so relaxed, and its nice to see/ feed the boys every weekday. We have a team coming tomorrow, and I am really excited to be able to introduce a group of high school kids to Uganda! Blaa... so ya, those are all my little ramblings, daily life over here. Each day, I fall in love with my kids more and more.There are a few new boys at programs  (its really like 30 new boys, which is such a praise!!!!) and one of them is called Joshua. He is only 6, and has the most adorable little giggle you've ever heard. Its hard seeing any child on the streets, but the little boys are the hardest. Its so obvious he needs a mother, and so much more. All I can do is love him as hard as I can, for as long as I can, and trust that God will provide the rest. Because God is good, all the time :)

Beach Day

we took 35 of the kids from our street programs to the beach in Entebbe. It was so much fun! These kids need fun things to do, and they deserve special treats sometimes. The beach we went to has fun statues of important people, and big airplanes for the kids to play on. It was difficult keeping track of them, especially considering there were seriously about 10 schools there (we even forgot one of the boys at the beach! Thank God street kids are crafty, because he just jumped on a school bus and headed back to Kampala- that's our kids for you!!) The boys enjoyed the water, and they had music there too. By the end, there was a huge dance circle and most of our boys were showing off their skills- they are amazing little dancers too :) It was a very chaotic, very fun day and I am so blessed that we were able to provide this little escape for them.

they decided to bury each other, for fun and also to get warm

Duncan sitting on the King of Buganda's lap

The Obamas are loved by Ugandans

This is Abdul (I talked about him in my one of my recent posts)

Overwhelmed

Jesus, I am totally overwhelmed. Lord, I know you love these kids more than I do, and it must kill you to see them suffering. I feel frustrated at the amount of hurt and pain I see here, and instead of blaming you for it, I will join you in hurting for them.

For some reason, this past week the task before me has seemed so overwhelming. I cannot help all the children here who need help. I cannot stay with them; I need to come home eventually. I cannot give them all the emotional and physical support they need. This alone would be overwhelming, but the fact is that the street kids of Kampala are just a few of the millions of hurting kids in today's world- and that is the part that breaks me. I am just a speck in a world of hurt. I know I am doing God's work here, and I am loving these kids the best I can, but it is not enough. Now, a year ago (even a month ago) I would have said that only Jesus is big enough for that job. While that is true, it is also a lie we tell ourselves. The fact is that Jesus asked His followers one thing- "Do you truly love me?" John 21:15. He did not ask if we felt affection for Him, or if we trusted Him to take care of things. His last question was do we really, truly, deeply love Him. If the answer is yes, then we are to take care of those He loves. Jesus gave US that job. I am not just talking about Americans, or missions work, or feeding the orphans. I am talking about Ugandans caring about each other, Christian everywhere providing for one another, and what it really means to love your neighbor. If everyone who loved Jesus did these things, if we all took care of His sheep, then the task would not seem so large for any one person. I firmly believe that God can move without us, but He has chosen not to. The bible says that to really love God means to give it ALL away for Him. So why do we read those verses and feel content with our comfortable lives? We should feel very uncomfortable because the sheep that our Shepherd loves are lost, sick and starving. If we care about Jesus then we should care that His heart is broken over these things. The question I am wrestling with tonight is a hard one (for me too) so readers don't hate me...

If we are fine with the broken state of this world, are we taking care of the sheep that Jesus loves so much? And if we are not, then do we truly love Him?

My Boys

Its amazing to me how God gives each of the volunteers here a different heart for the boys. All of us get attached to specific kids, and each attachment is totally God given. He reveals to us the different qualities He finds wonderful in each boy, so that those serving here are called to specific children. I used to think it was bad to have favorites, and it is bad to show that favoritism, but its not bad to love like Jesus does. I love all the boys in our programs and in our home, but there are a few who stand out. In the home, its harder, because I am closer to those boys and really appreciate each one. In the street programs, I can only bond with so many, and I want to share what makes each of those boys precious and amazing to me.

 Eddy was in the home for awhile, but ran away to many times. He now lives in Grace Home (I think everyone knows what I think about that place...). He is 14, and wants to be a doctor. He is very devoted to his studies, and is also very responsible. One of the boys in our home ran away, and Eddy found him and brought him back. He didn't want this other boy to throw away his chance at a better life. At Grace, Eddy takes care of the younger boys. He is very shy, but also very smart and super humble. At 14, Eddy knows that he cannot pick scrap anymore for extra money, because it is to tempting to run back to the streets- how much self control can one kid have? He also gets super bad migraines, which I can relate with, and so I feel a special bond with him. I want to become Eddy's sponsor when I leave, and am trying to put him in boarding school. Right now, I take Eddy to dinner once a week. Its so important that he knows someone believes in him and loves him.

Michael is 10 and is in our street programs. I swear, you've never seen such a darling child. His smile melts my heart every time, and he has these round baby cheeks that are so cute. He is very charming, and funny, and bright. He is also SUPER difficult. He comes to programs late almost every day, and does a lot of chenge (drugs), which breaks my heart. Michael knows that I love him very much, but it is not enough to ease the pain of living on the streets. He is disobedient, and stubborn, and it kills me. One of my goals this summer is to spend some individual time with Michael, and let him know how loved and special he really is.

Abdul is about 13 or 14 and is the most hard working kid ever. Every day, he helps the uncles cook, set up the meal, and wash the plates for our street programs. He fetches water and charcoal, and never complains. He is super funny and sweet. His English is not that good, but he tries. I am so thankful that God has kept a special hand over this boy; he has been living on the streets awhile, but he is still a really good kid. He is honest, and kind, and doesn't fight with the other boys. I know that even at a young age, Abdul is trying to put on the armor of God to survive the streets. This kid is amazing!

Big Peter is one of a few boys who lives with two of our uncles (David and Laurence). Peter will become an uncle someday, I am sure of it. He is learning how to make beads as a craft so he will be able to make money. He is also very hard working, and a boy after Gods own heart. I am not sure how old he is, but I think he must be at least 16. There is a good chance that soon, he and another boy (who I will get to in a moment) are going to be sent to school. They will get their own apartment, and be responsible for living on their own with an allowance. I know that Peter will be able to do it, and I know that God has big things planned for this boy.

Musa is the other boy that will be sponsored with Peter. He also lives with the uncles. Musa is one of the most sensitive, caring boys ever. He takes care of the street dogs that come to our programs, and is super shy and sweet. He never fights with the other kids, and is very obedient and helpful. I also believe that Musa will become an uncle someday, because he has a heart for serving the boys in our programs, even though he is still one of them!

Little Peter is the last boy who lives with the uncles (they live in a one room apartment, and are so devoted to serving God). Peter is 11 or so, and is very smart. He is also super funny and sweet, and really obedient. He loves to share with the other boys, and help out whenever he can. He is always making me laugh at the funny things he says, and I often find myself wondering "where did he come up with that?". He is wise beyond his years, and is also very devoted to serving Jesus. Hopefully, Peter will also be going to school soon with a program called African Hearts.

There are SO many boys I could mention (Little Isma, Mathew, Duncan, Ivan, Dan) all of whom are on the streets and all of whom are amazing kids. There are also two new boys (Alex, the one I mentioned in my last post, and Mark who is older but shows amazing potential) that I am super excited to get to know better. I know that these boys are Gods, and I know that He loves them more than I do, but I also know that He has given me a special heart to love each of them. I want to see these kids the way Jesus does- seeing their flaws and loving them beyond words anyways. If anyone would like to join me in praying for these kids, I would totally appreciate that! I will try to update again on these kids before I leave :)

Night Hunt

I just got home from wandering around the city for about 4 hours, looking for street kids. Me, Amanda, Cara, and two of the uncles (David and Laurence) wanted to find kids who are not in our programs. The easiest way to know if a child is a street kid is to see him on the streets sleeping. To do that, you need to wait until they are settled in for the night. We started our looking for boys around 8pm, but the city was still to active for the boys to lay down. These kids are beaten or arrested if they are "in the way" of anyone, so they have to wait until everyone else is asleep before they can go to bed. That means that they wait until all the people selling things on the streets are in bed (and they were still selling in some places at 10pm) and the boys also need to leave before people start selling in the morning (so very early). The boys sleep on sacks, and we saw many with bags on their heads to keep warm. Right after we started, we found one of the kids from our program sleeping. We woke him up, and asked if he was okay- he was, except I think he was mad we woke him up. Pretty soon after, we found a new boy named Alex who was 11. Alex decided to lead us all over, looking for other boys to come to the programs. We found a good number of boys, although not as many as we hoped (a bunch of them had been arrested the night before, so they were afraid to be seen). We ended up seeing a few boys from our programs too, which is always nice. We gave all the kids we met chapatis and mandazies (I don't know how to spell that, but they are tortillas and doughnut-like bread). After, we prayed over all the boys we had met, and the ones still on the streets. I am so excited to see which ones show up, and I hope they tell their friends! Although this job is hard at times, I am so lucky to get to do what I do. It always encourages me to know that Jesus knows each of these boys by name, and He loves them before we ever meet them. We do not serve a God who is absent; Jesus cares, and each night He covers them with His love, and He does not forget His children.
On another note, we had SO much fun looking for the kids! I find myself laughing at the ridiculous things that happen to us here, and am so lucky to have friends to laugh with me. Tonight, I fell in a sewage hole, and had to buy water bottles to clean my foot. At one point Amanda asked me to go buy caveras (little bags to hold things in) from "that woman". Not knowing what woman she was talking about, I asked a respectable businesswoman for a cavera, because I didn't see the little stand just behind us that was selling them (the woman I asked was so confused!). Other highlights included Cara grabbing Amanda's arm and dragging her into deadly traffic, claiming "you've got to cross sometime", Cara almost getting urinated on by a man who just whipped it out without looking and started peeing on the street, and me yelling "chi, chi???" (basically "what are you looking at?") at strangers who were staring at our kids because there were white people around (it was super rude of me, but these people act like we are in the zoo sometimes, I swear). I know I am forgetting so much, and I know people at home reading this won't understand why these things are SO funny, but I promise that when they are happening, they are hysterical. Life here is full of surprises, and although there is so much heartbreak, there is also so much joy- TIA :)

Gulu Town & The Bush

So this weekend I went to Gulu Town with Cara and two of her Ugandan friends. Gulu is in the far north, and was until very recently, totally unsafe. The Lords Resistance Army (LRA) lead by Joseph Kony had been fighting civil war against the Gov. for 25 years. At home, I was involved in Invisible Children which worked with kids running from the LRA (85% of Kony's army were child soldiers), and so I was very interested and familiar with Gulu.

 The drive up to Gulu was incredible!! Africa is SOOO beautiful. I saw the golden sun setting on the Nile, as jungle vines overflowed into the rapids. I saw grasslands in the blue light of dusk, mist floating like God's own breath. I fed corn and peanuts to baboons along the road, and watched little monkeys groom their babies. The stars lit up the night sky like diamonds, and it was one of the most amazing things I have EVER seen. This land was clearly created by our Father.

Gulu Town is very small, although it is growing and has gained much international attention. There is not much to do there, but the stories we heard were mind blowing. I did not really believe in miracles until I went to Gulu. We drove on roads where just a few years ago, anyone walking on them would be shot and killed by the LRA. The pastor we went moved to Gulu during the war. He believed firmly that God had called him there to die after he preached the message to as many small villages he could. Many times, he was stopped on the roads by the LRA (once they even broke into his home) and they threatened to kill him. Many times, Jesus saved him, and those stories are truly remarkable. He baptized Gov. soldiers in water they feared poisoned, and people came to Christ simply because he had not yet been killed by the LRA. In Gulu we saw many refugee camps, and also heard of much tragedy. But we also saw healing that only God could bring, which was so encouraging.

On Saturday we went to a village called Koach Goma, which was in the Bush!! When you think of Africa, I am sure many people think mud huts and jungle and elephants, but I usually don't. I see Kampala, and slums and development- but that is not how a large part of the country looks. In the bush, people walk for 15 miles to a trading post, which may have a simple store but not much else. They live in mud huts with grass roofs. These people don't have two shillings to rub together. Women don't even wear shirts sometimes- I mean, its REALLY rural (like NatGeo status). It was really cool seeing that, and it made me realize where many of our street kids are coming from.

On Sunday, we went to the pastor's church. It was AMAZING!! Many of the people there had lost SO much, and they were still dancing and singing with all their hearts. They were dancing too- not just kinda, but like fully rocking out (almost NatGeo status too). We prayed and prayed and prayed, over things I never considered (we prayed over some of the Psalms, just like King David did). The best part was that I have absolutely no doubt that God will provide the things we prayed for- my God is good, all the time.

This weekend was so eye opening for me. I got to see a new part of the country, and put into context the places I had read about. Seeing where the LRA was, and meeting the people they terrorized was really important to me; learning how much God is working there and how close He is to those people was an unexpected blessing. Seeing the bush, and realizing how lucky we are here in Kampala, even when things seem hard, put my life into context too. Its always important to count my blessings, but to count them, I need to know how many there are :)

Jaded

One thing I have been realizing recently is how jaded we, as Americans are. How many times have I thought "that's just the way the world works"? I know I've listened to others say it too. Babies dying of starvation? That's just how it goes sometimes. Families infected by AIDS? That's how Africa is. People living as refugees? That's on the other side of the world, I cant do anything. We hear of these things all the time- people with no running water, health care, or money to buy food. Have you ever considered how difficult that life really is? I take a shower out of a bucket, but I have water most days. I cannot imagine having to walk and go get it (which the boys have to do sometimes, and it totally sucks!). I meet kids in Kivulu every day that literally haven't had a meal in several days. I meet kids with HIV because their moms couldn't get antivirals. I meet people disfigured by war, in the city searching for their families. When I live it every day, when I see these people and touch them and talk to them, then I see things like Jesus does. There is NO situation in which Jesus would say "that's in Africa, so its not my problem". There will never be a suffering person that Jesus does not care about, meaning that as His followers, there is no suffering person that we should overlook. Jesus really hears every cry, sees each suffering person, and catches every tear. If the King of Glory's heart is broken by these things, mine should be too.

A Day at the Beach

Yesterday me, Amanda and Cara took 5 of the boys from our program to the beach in Entebbe (Lake Victoria). It was kinda to celebrate two of them being accepted into school, and also just to do something fun. We loaded them up into Cara's car and drove an hour or so to this awesome beach by the airport. On the property, they had these planes (not little ones, but huge airline planes) just sitting there for kids to play in. After we checked that out, we headed out to the sand. We rented the boys a ball and three intertubes, and let them hit the water- they LOVE swimming!! Going to the beach with 5 street kids in Uganda is very different from a day at a CA beach- let me tell you. Immediately after getting there, the boys started to dump sand all over themselves, but it was bright green from all the gross stuff living in the water. That kinda set the tone for the day. At different points, we found...
- Bwanica filling his mouth with disgusting sand and spitting it at other boys, then rinsing his mouth with horrible water
- Bwanica throwing shoes in the lake
- Bwanica in the restaurant with no shoes, and drinking tomato sauce out of the bottle (you'd be correct in guessing Bwanica wasn't on his best behavior, but it was so funny)
- Richard bringing us strange marine plants and a dead fish that he had on seaweed like a dog leash
- the boys carrying a crane they had caught by its legs (how they caught it, we don't know...)
- Ibra belly flopping off a boat into about 2ft of water (ouch)
The list goes on and on and on. I can write about it, but it doesn't capture how ridiculous it was; I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. The day totally exhausted the boys, as well as us aunties, but it was so worth it. To see the looks of pure joy on their faces, to see them having such a good time- those are also things that are hard to put into words. But trust me when I say, its amazing :)

Weekend Laughter

So I know that I JUST posted, but I wanted to let everyone know how much fun we have been having over here. Its been raining for the past few days (on and off, but mostly on). The boys in our house go a little crazy from being kept inside all the time, and they get very goofy. We have been spending a lot of time just making beaded bracelets, and playing marbles, and hanging out. Last night, bedtime was a little insane. Each night, I go in and say goodnight to all the boys in all the rooms. Last night, it was hard getting them to settle down. They were running all over the place, laughing and screaming. One of the boys took the hat I was wearing, and it took three other boys plus me to pry it away from him- he also bit me pretty hard in the process. In response, I poured half my water bottle on him, which turned into a small water fight in the yard (I should probably apologize to the other aunties and uncles for contributing to the chaos... oops). After that, I was finally on my way to bed when I found two of the older boys (Bashil and Drissa) out in the yard. They had put their Ugandan robes (these long, white, dress looking things) on their heads. They claimed to be FBI agents sent to Uganda by Obama- they really looked more like Arab nuns. It was so funny, and I was laughing so much I could hardly breath. Today, it was raining to hard to go to church, so instead we had a church service at home. Sadic played guitar and we all sang- it was super sweet and also nice to be at home with them all. No matter how much these kids annoy me at times, they also bring me so much joy. They fill me up with love every day, while also completely exhausting me in the process. Is this what parenthood feels like? If it is, then its so worth it!

In Love Again

So the past few weeks, I have been praying constantly that God would draw me near to Him. I wanted to feel His Spirit close to me, and to fall deeper in love with Jesus. Its finally happened (I think I may have said that in my last post). I feel God with me, in my work, in all I do. I see Him moving in my friendships, and in the lives of these precious boys. I have only one thought about all of this- how lucky am I?? I certainly do not deserve to be loved by Jesus. I am the one who pulls away from Him; He is my constant King, the same 'I Am' of Abraham and Moses. His love for me NEVER changes, but my heart wanders away from Him. So, in an attempt to bring me back, the God of the universe pursues and courts my love and affection every day. What kind of love is that? I am so thankful that He never gives up on me, and never stops trying to win my affection. Thank you Jesus!!!
 Tonight we had a party for Amanda's birthday, and we invited some of the street kids. As I sat in this very small, one room apartment with 20+ street boys, I realized how much I adore them- they are SOOO sweet and funny and deserve so much love. And as I was walking through the slums tonight, I remembered why I loved Uganda in the first place- I love watching Jesus move here. For the first time, I wondered if maybe I am not going to be ready to come home in August after all. This is a very dramatic change from the Caitlyn three days ago, who was contemplating coming home early. Oh man, what is God doing with me??? I won't know the answer to that for awhile, I am sure. What I do know is that I can finally feel Him right next to me, guiding my steps. And no matter where He leads me, I will follow. I will follow the Lamb wherever He goes :)

Passion Fruit and Crickets

Passion fruit and deep fried crickets- that is what me and my (African) roommate Maureen are snacking on tonight as we watch Dr. Quinn and talk about boys :) This is a typical night in our room, and I love it. There has been a lot going on here in the past few days, but I will try and update everyone on what God has been doing. So first of all, due to some unforeseen complications, I will be taking the fall off from school. At first, I was shocked and upset that I wasn't going back, but then I realized that it is God's plan. He wants me to take this time off, and I don't know what He will do with the time, but I know it will be okay. Now I have such amazing peace over this decision, I am so thankful God knows what I need more than I do. Secondly, things in Uganda have been very different than I thought they would be. When I came last summer, everything was seen through rose colored glass. All the boys were on their best behavior, and I somehow forgot that they were so broken. Now I see it all the time, every day. They are very broken, and they have a LONG way to go before they will be fully healed- its a job only God can accomplish. I love the street kids, I love seeing them light up every day when they see me. Its a little different with the boys in the house, and I will continue to rely on Jesus to break my heart for them (they have had a hard time since Abby and David got married, and have been less than nice on multiple occasions). I am beginning to remember the main thing I learned last summer, which is that God will use my ministry to fill me up. I do not have to wait for Him to fill me up and then go out- I will keep waiting forever. Today, He used the street boys to fill me up. They love Him, and I love Him, and He loves us all. I don't know if Uganda is the place God has called me (and as the weeks go by, I am thinking more and more it is not...) but I do know that He will not waste my time here. He has a plan, and that plan is as much for me as it is for these kids. No matter what, I will cling to and trust in my King. He is my Father who loves me, who created me with love and patience, and He is so good to me.

Equatorial Thunderstorm

Oh my word. Its raining, like, RAINING. Like, only on the equator in the jungle sort of raining. There is thunder that shakes the windows, and beautiful lightning. And its humid, and wet, and super muddy. Then to add to the fun, I looked out my window into this big tree in our yard only to see a little monkey hiding from the rain! If pit latrines and bathing out of a bucket didn't do the trick, I now know I am in Africa. Right now, the boys are all hyper because they are stuck inside. Sometimes living with them I feel like Wendy in Peter Pan- all these formerly lost boys. They challenge me each day; they are wild and loud and they fight with each other, and I want to pull out my hair. But then they smile at me, tell me they love me, and give me a hug, and every frustrating moment is so worth it. I got a huge prayer answered today. A few days ago (right around when I got sick) two of the boys that I am particularly close with decided they didn't want anything to do with me. The psychologist in me knows that they are afraid to trust/love me because they do not want me to hurt them (they have been hurt enough). But my heart was still broken; I just kept loving them and it hurt that they did not return it at all. Today however, they have each decided to get over it. We all played together, and they are giving me hugs and wanting to spend time with me. Its been a lesson in 1) what being a parent must look like and 2) the devotion God has to me. How many times do I turn away from Him, even when His love is always strong? How much must that hurt my Father? These kids are such a challenge and a blessing. Also, just to let everyone know, I am feeling much better today. Hopefully by Monday I will be ready for street programs again :) This place is really starting to fee like home to me. Thanks for all your prayers!! They are working!!

Sick

Blaa, I have the flu. I don't have much of anything to report on except to complain about how yucky I feel. I've been sick for 3 days now, and I think today I may need to brave the doctor. Its winter here, so this flu has been going around. I also wanted to say to everyone who has emailed me, thank you so much! Knowing I have a support network at home has encouraged me so much. The boys here are warming up to me a lot. This means that they are letting me in deeper, and trusting me more. It also means that that they are no longer on their best behavior, so that has been a little challenging. Being a mom to 15 boys under 17 is exhausting, and the attention I give them is never enough. But I love them, and the love comes from God. Hopefully I will be feeling better very soon so that I can have more energy :)Thanks for all the prayers!

Hands Lifted High

So two nights ago, we (me, Amanda, Gina and one of the aunties Cara) went to Grace Home. It is a boys home that was opened through Grace Fellowship Church for 50 of the street kids. That sounds good, but honestly it is not a nice home. The uncles there are under staffed and overworked; they steal from the boys and beat them. These kids get food for A.P.I because for awhile they were not getting fed. The only difference from the streets is that they have a daily meal, a bed, and a place to wash. We visited for a party, just to let the boys there do something fun. At one point, before we had a special meal for them, we did worship and a devotion. During the worship, all the boys gathered in a circle, and the Uncles picked one boy to lead the others in song. The boy they picked was probably 8, but very very small for his age. He stood in the middle, and in his little voice, with his hands raised high in praise, sang worship to our Father. Soon all of the boys were worshiping with their whole heart; hands lifted high, or on their knees. These kids have seen the worst that life has to offer. Most of them are under 13, and they have already been kicked out of their homes, beaten, sexually abused, and spit on by society. They have been told that they are unwanted, and unworthy. The love that Jesus offers them is truly the best news they could be given, and in it they place their hope. They are by no means perfect, and many of them are bad (they steal, hit, lie and cheat). But through it all, they know that their God has made them for His kingdom, and that by His sacrifice, they will be accepted without question. To see that faith, in such small kids who have been dealt such a poor hand in life, is absolutely incredible. It is a human but pure form of what our relationship with Jesus should look like; He loves us even though we are broken, and in return we offer Him all our praise.

Jail, Football and Bodas

Hey all! So I am safe in Uganda. Its very different than I thought it would be- I am really on my own here. The first few days have been so crazy I haven't had time to post, so sorry about that! Africa is the same as always but I am finding that this trip is so much less sheltered than my last one. Taking a shower out of a bucket, buying my Ugandan cell phone, and using a hole as a toilet are all very new things for me. There are things that I am not fully used to yet, but I am getting there quickly. I should say first that riding the bodas is my new favorite thing- they are motorcycle taxis and you fit three people on them then dart through traffic and its crazy. I am getting so much better, I don't even need to hold on anymore (nobody freak out, I wont fall off :) So what have I been up to? Well its really to much to account for, I haven't stopped moving since I got off the plane (like, seriously), but here are some highlights. Friday me, Amanda and Gina (the women I am living with) went to the Hope House, which is a home where former prostitutes make jewelry. We bought jewelry from them, then me and Gina did bible study. Later, me and Amanda had to go to the police station because we found out that 6 of our street kids had been arrested. That was awful- we sat there with one of the uncles for a very long time and listened to the police take turns yelling at us. They told us we were using the children for profit (what??) and that we were harming society by having our street programs. They said many other things that I don't want to get into, because they make me so angry, but honestly I wanted to hit someone. Finally, David (Abby's husband) came and talked to them; they wanted money all along but didn't want us to know they were being corrupt. When he wouldn't pay, they let the kids go anyways. It was a perfect example of how society feels about our kids. So that was my first day.... My second was better. Me, Amanda, some of the uncles, and another Auntie took about 10 street kids and 4 boys from our house to the Uganda FIFA football game. It was very exciting for them but it was also hot and crowded, and VERY VERY loud. Here is the coolest thing though; one of the boys in our house that doesn't usually get special things (because he misbehaves a lo)t got to come. He is so wonderful, but he is very guarded and does not like volunteers, especially young women. Last summer, when I came he wouldn't look at me, let alone talk to me. But yesterday we hung out all day. He asked me to ride with him in the van on the way to the game, then he asked me if I would be his best friend. And later, he told me he loves me (that's a really really big deal, its huge!). I feel so encouraged to see how much God is healing him; I decided last night that if I can help this one child, my whole summer will be worth it. That being said, I could use your prayers. I don't feel super close to God at the moment- I see Him but I can't feel Him. I am also still very homesick (although its getting better) so if you're reading this and would like to encourage me by emailing me, its caitlynbollinger@gmail.com I know that God is doing big things, and I trust Him completely. Sorry this was so long- next time I'll write sooner!!

Almost Ready...

Hey guys! Okay so I am leaving for Uganda in just 4 days!!!! I cannot believe that this day has come so soon! I have been waiting for this trip literally since I stepped foot on the plane back to SF last year. This time is going to be so different, and God is both challenging me and growing me already. First off, I will be going for much longer. Last summer I served with API for just two weeks- enough time to fall in love with Uganda and its people, but not enough time to get settled. This summer, three whole months will definitely give me plenty of time to see what Gods plans for me concerning Uganda are. Also different will be the fact that I am not going with a team. I will be leading teams while I am there, but I am going to be really on my own for the first time in my life. My solid Christian community that has both blessed and sheltered me will be gone; I am going to be relying totally on Jesus to provide for me. And then there is the fact that Uganda is a totally foreign country, and everyday there I will be pushed out of my comfort zone. The big question people keep asking is am I ready. Well... yes and no. I will never be totally ready to leave everything I know and move across the world (how can I be ready if I have no expectations?). But at the same time I am. Recently, the main theme in my walk with Jesus is that He is totally faithful, and therefore I can totally trust Him. I keep reading Luke 5:4 "put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch". Jesus was asking the disciples to do something crazy for Him- He asked them to take a big risk. But their payoff was more fish than they ever could have imagined! Its not me that faithfully walks with Jesus, but Jesus that faithfully stands by me as I try my best to follow Him. I am His daughter and He loves me; He has prepared my way. True, I do not know what to expect. True, its kinda terrifying at times :) And true, its a BIG adventure. But Jesus will be with me every step of the way. So this is me letting down my nets in the deep water, and I cannot wait to see what I catch!!