The past few days have been so full of joy for me, and also so full of worry. On Friday, we (me, Abby, David, Abdul, and a few friends) went to the boys home on the new land. Its such a beautiful place, and so full of hope and love for those boys. We were not just celebrating those houses, but the journey God has taken all of us on. From bringing those boys off the streets, to the healing they have had, to the safety and permanence of these new homes. In all of those works, I see God. I know it was God that moved, and God that made things happen. When I see the land, and the homes, I know it is a place where God dwells. He is there, He made it happen, and they (including the boys in them) are His. He has been so faithful in all of it, and I can see His fingerprints on everything.
So if I know that I serve a faithful God, a King more loyal and abundant than I can ever imagine, why am I so afraid? Because I am afraid; I am terrified that God will not let me come back here for some reason. I am sick with worry that God gave me this love, only to make me watch from afar. I am so sure (more sure than I have ever been about anything) that God has called me to Uganda, to make it my home. But this fear that God will take that away is consuming me. I have been learning a lot about myself and my faith the past few days, and rediscovering again what it means to love Jesus. Do I truly love Jesus? Would I still serve Him with my whole heart if He told me I was not coming back to Uganda? Would I still trust His plan for me, even if things don't work out? I have been praying that God would lead me out of this place of fear, because I do not want to be here. I want to know that God will work it all out, and I want to love JESUS enough to follow HIM anywhere (even where I do not want to go...).
Jesus gave me this love, the passion for my boys. He brought me to Uganda, and has opened every door that I have come to. He has NEVER let me down, and He never will. That is the God I follow, and the God I will continue to follow, even if every plan I have falls apart. The truth is that I do not serve a God of "what if"
"what if I cannot come back to Uganda?"
"what if I don't find a sender?"
"what if I have to watch my boys from afar, and trust that God can take care of them without me?"
I serve the God of "I AM"
" I AM the King who gave you this love"
"I AM the Lord who you can trust with everything"
"I AM the Redeemer who can make all things possible"
"I AM the one who loves these boys the most"
"I AM the one who came before Uganda, and will be with you long after Uganda has faded from your heart"
That is the God I choose to serve. A wise and wonderful friend gave me some sound advice when I told her of my fears. She said that if God wants me back in Uganda, He will get me here. That is true, and even though the idea makes it hard for me to breath as I consider it, I am surrendering everything I have, I am, and I hold dear to Jesus. If He brings me back here, its His plan. If He doesn't, I will trust in Him anyways, and hold onto Him while He leads me in a new direction.
So if I know that I serve a faithful God, a King more loyal and abundant than I can ever imagine, why am I so afraid? Because I am afraid; I am terrified that God will not let me come back here for some reason. I am sick with worry that God gave me this love, only to make me watch from afar. I am so sure (more sure than I have ever been about anything) that God has called me to Uganda, to make it my home. But this fear that God will take that away is consuming me. I have been learning a lot about myself and my faith the past few days, and rediscovering again what it means to love Jesus. Do I truly love Jesus? Would I still serve Him with my whole heart if He told me I was not coming back to Uganda? Would I still trust His plan for me, even if things don't work out? I have been praying that God would lead me out of this place of fear, because I do not want to be here. I want to know that God will work it all out, and I want to love JESUS enough to follow HIM anywhere (even where I do not want to go...).
Jesus gave me this love, the passion for my boys. He brought me to Uganda, and has opened every door that I have come to. He has NEVER let me down, and He never will. That is the God I follow, and the God I will continue to follow, even if every plan I have falls apart. The truth is that I do not serve a God of "what if"
"what if I cannot come back to Uganda?"
"what if I don't find a sender?"
"what if I have to watch my boys from afar, and trust that God can take care of them without me?"
I serve the God of "I AM"
" I AM the King who gave you this love"
"I AM the Lord who you can trust with everything"
"I AM the Redeemer who can make all things possible"
"I AM the one who loves these boys the most"
"I AM the one who came before Uganda, and will be with you long after Uganda has faded from your heart"
That is the God I choose to serve. A wise and wonderful friend gave me some sound advice when I told her of my fears. She said that if God wants me back in Uganda, He will get me here. That is true, and even though the idea makes it hard for me to breath as I consider it, I am surrendering everything I have, I am, and I hold dear to Jesus. If He brings me back here, its His plan. If He doesn't, I will trust in Him anyways, and hold onto Him while He leads me in a new direction.
Caitlyn- what you wrote is SO TRUE...and I know that you and I have talked about this before about our similar hearts for Africa and surrendering it all to Jesus.
ReplyDeleteHe also spoke to me a few years ago and said,
"Laeya, if I never bring you back to Kenya...if in fact I send you to live in the richest part of America...would you still love me JUST THE SAME??
...Would you still trust me JUST THE SAME??
...Would you still have joy in me JUST THE SAME??"
WOW. That's hard.
I pray, Caitlyn, that you would be able to say everyday along with Paul, "I have learned the secret of being content in ANY and EVERY situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ you STRENGTHENS me."
This is TRUTH. This is PEACE.
Love you Caitlyn! You are an inspiration to us all!
Immanuel- God is WITH US,
Laeya