Ebb and Flow of Chaos

So, for all my excitement at having Musa home, its been a roller coaster of a few days. Friday Musa came home, and it was a great day. Saturday, not so much. Not 24 hours into his being home, Musa started to convince Sabote to run away back to Kisenyi. He threw out offers of drugs, easy money, and chicken dinner (don’t know who was going to buy them that, but he was sure they could find someone) at Sabote. This was especially hard to watch because Sabote really didn’t want to go. He resisted for several hours, telling Musa “this is our home now, and I don’t want to go”. He even sat with me, not 30 min before they left, holding my hand and telling me “I love you and this home. I am not leaving”. Eventually Musa left on his own, but then proceeded to shout at Sabote through the gate for another hour. This was finally too much for Sabote, and he joined Musa in running away. That evening on the phone, I told Abby “well, Musa and Sabote are gone, but at least Waswa is doing really well” (Waswa has been struggling with tantrums when he is upset). That was our Saturday...

Early this morning (Sunday), like at 6AM, I heard the boys shouting and yelling. Who was out the gate wanting to come in? Sure enough, Sabote and Musa had spent one night on the streets, and decided it was not worth it at all. Sabote was in tears, apologizing and begging to come back in, and after hearing both boys apologize, we let them come home. After all the boys were back inside, they got ready for church. We decided to try the Anglican church across the street. A few min into the service, all the boys except Joseph fell asleep. They were dismissed for Sunday school, and most of them decided to go home and sleep instead. Not okay...

Shortly after church, I was in my room when I heard shouting from the living room. Alex had gotten in a fight with Waswa, and Waswa (sweet soul that he is) was very, very upset. When he cries over things like this, he is actually expressing deeper heart wounds; things which are still unknown to me. Watching Waswa sob over this pain, so deep inside, I realized my complete and total helplessness in the situation. And it broke my heart. Now, I attend Calvary Chapel in Kampala, and I was wanting to catch the last sermon of the morning. When the fight broke out, I was preparing to leave. Now, crying under my sunglasses, I asked Sam what we should do about it all. He told me that we had done what we could, and that going to my own church would be good for me. On the way out the gate, I found Waswa sobbing still, and invited him to go with me. Waswa has been doing really well this week. He is not picking fights, and he has offered to do the dishes at every meal as well as thank Harriet. He has also been great at participating in devotions each night. I wanted to reward his good behavior, and so he came with me. On the boda into town, he leaned his head back to tell me “mom, I love you”.

In church, I cried most of the service. I cried for all the hurts I cannot heal. I cried for the feeling of complete powerlessness. I cried for the endless battles that it has taken and will take to love and raise these boys. I cried for the challenge, and the calling, and the task. There was a verse in one of the songs that said ‘His path is narrow, but His burden light’. Can I be honest? I don’t feel like this burden is very light. Worth it, yes 100%. But light? I feel like the call is hard, and I chose to answer it because I love Jesus and these boys. But sometimes, it is so much. And I know He is with me always, and I trust that my faith will produce good works, and that He will bless my efforts. But I am not enough for this, and today as Waswa was screaming and crying, I was the one holding him. One of those empty moments, where I wish the arms of my Father were real around me, His voice audible with advice or encouragement. His promise to overcome these hardships clear in my ears as well as my heart.

At the close of service, the band played ‘Revelation Song’, which is my favorite worship song. The main chorus goes Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God, Almighty/ Who was and is, and is to come/ With all Creation I sing, praise to the King of Kings/ You are my everything/ and I will adore you.

I will adore You when it hurts
I will adore You when I cannot see further than my own weakness.
I will adore You when I cannot feel You.
I will adore You when I feel I am drowning in this calling.
I will adore You when things are good, and I see Your fingerprints on everything.
I will adore You when You bless these boys, and the work of my hands.
I will adore You in the joy, and the sorrow.
I will adore You. I will adore You. I will adore You.


Loving Christ is a daily choice. Loving these boys is an hourly one. I will choose this until God fulfills His promises to me (that I can do this work, through Him who gives me strength). And when He does, I will have new strength to choose Him again.

Beautiful paradox.

A Growing Group: Welcome Musa

So I had wanted to bring a really wonderful boy named Musa into our home. It was a decision I made shortly after I returned to Uganda. The reason I began to really look at Musa was because he and Sabote are like brothers. They have been surviving on the streets together for many many years, and if Sabote came home and Musa was left, it would cause both of them more trauma. I also really love Musa; he is super sweet, but really funny. He is just like the rest of the boys in Kisenyi (doing lots of drugs, fighting, dirty and picking scrap). He is also really tall for his age, and for that reason we think he may actually be Sudanese or Kenyan.

The reason Musa didn’t come home on Monday was because he has been missing for a few weeks (around a month actually). The rumor from all the other kids was that he had been picked up by his father, and taken to his father’s home in Jinja. All the boys thought this was the case, and so I also believed that Musa had been reunited with his family and was safe in his own home. If a boy can be resettled, he does not belong in our API homes, and so Musa was off the list. Yesterday afternoon I got a call from Amy, telling me that Musa was in the clinic in Kivulu. Turns out he had not been in Jinja with his family, but instead had been arrested and taken to the remand homes here for street kids. Early yesterday, he was able to return to Kampala, and immediately began looking for Sabote. When he heard that Sabote had been taken into a home, he came to the clinic looking for me, wanting to know when (yes when, not if) he was coming home too :)

I was super excited to see Musa, and know for sure that he is supposed to be in our home. Yesterday after I met him, we got lunch, and then Eddy took him to buy new clothes. I returned home to wait. When Musa walked through the gate, Sabote was sleeping. All the other boys started shouting “Musa you’ve come home!” and Sabote woke up with a jolt and came running to hug and greet his best friend. They were both all smiles as Sabote showed Musa around the house, all the toys and clothes. As I said, Musa is already super tall. His “stunted street growth” is well above the normal child. He is also probably around 14, and therefore has been thoroughly enjoying all the food he is getting. He is currently napping while the other boys watch a movie. He is very happy to be here, and is doing remarkably well. He is happy, and contented, and well behaved.  With Musa here, our family is one step closer to being completed.

The Start of Things

First and foremost, I promise pictures are coming very soon!

Okay so I had hoped that when I wrote my first blog post after we opened, I would be sitting with my kids, watching them play. I am pleased to report that as I write this, that is exactly what I am doing. I am sitting on our sunny porch, at our peaceful house, watching all my kids play Leggos together. I am listening to them chatter with each other, and make silly comments to me. They are playing and laughing and joking, and I am in awe that God got us here.

On Monday morning, we gathered our four boys (Joseph, Alex, Sabote and Waswa) at the clinic in Kivulu. They came running through the gate, not totally knowing what was happening, but very excited because we had told them we had a “very, very special program” that day. Me, Sam and Eddy (my house uncles) gathered them outside, and told them we loved them. We told them we know they have suffered a lot, and that we wanted them off the streets and so did Jesus. We told them that we had a home we wanted them to come to, and asked if they wanted to come. All of them were really excited, and wanted to come, except for Sabote. He was really afraid, and I honestly didn’t think he would come. I could feel my heart breaking as he sat with me, holding my hand, but telling me he couldn’t trust that our home would be good. He has been hurt in homes before, and he was afraid it would be a bad home but that he would be forced to stay there if we were abusing him. After talking to him about it for a long time, he agreed to come to the house “just to see it” and then if he disliked it, we promised him he could return to Kisenyi. It was a tense morning for me, because I truly didn’t think he would stay but I really wanted him to. Thanks to the prayers of many people, he is still here now, currently sitting in the living room watching a movie.

So the boys went and got new clothes (really sweet sneakers and jeans), and then lunch. After they were stuffed full, we took bodas to the house. They came racing in, looking at their new rooms, and checking our their clothes and beds. They also had a blast looking over the bookshelf, and checking out their new toys (by the way, the Leggos/ blocks are a HUGE hit- they love them). They also got to Skype with my  mom, who is coming to visit in two weeks, which was super exciting because they were all wanting to meet their new Jajja (grandma). They had fun playing and exploring, and by the evening they were exhausted (Sabote and Waswa promptly fell asleep when they settled down). They had enough energy to eat dinner again, and everyone wanted to bathe again, but then it was bedtime. By the end of the day, I was exhausted beyond words, but so thankful. I couldn’t believe that everyone had stayed, even Sabote.

The rest of this week is flying by. Tomorrow, Amy is taking them swimming in the afternoon, which is very exciting for the boys. I have so much to report on, but there is no “organized” way to share all the thoughts racing around in my mind. So instead I am just going to share a short list of things I want everyone to know about :)

UPDATES
* We had a welcome home party for the boys yesterday. We invited ALL of the staff who has ever worked with them, and it ended up being over 20 people! They played games, had great food and cake, danced and listened to fun music that Uncle Abdul brought. Everyone got to see the house, and it meant a lot to the boys that they were not forgotten. People encouraged them, and prayed for them. I think it made all the boys realize that this was the beginning, not the end. Everyone is still invested in them, and they have so much love and support. It was a really encouraging time :)

* While watching movies this week, I have been able to see a lot of dancing. Every time a song comes on, Waswa jumps up and starts dancing to the music in the movie. He is not a wonderful dancer, but he loves it! Today, watching him dance to Garfield was pretty hilarious.

* When we first got home, Alex was playing cards with me. He started talking about what he wanted to be when he grows up. He first told me “I shouldn’t tell you... you wont like it”. After some prompting, he finally admitted that he has always wanted to be the commander of a rebel army (as in a rebel war lord). After a few hours though, he had discovered the amazing joy of building with the Leggos. In the evening of the first night, after showing me the new helicopter he built, he said “I think now I want to be an engineer, not a rebel. Building is really fun!”. Just wanted to share that God is using toys to change hearts, even within the first few hours. God is amazing.

* Joseph, our youngest little guy who is around 10, is the sweetest thing ever. He is just a little kid, in every way. Yes, he has loads of trauma and did a lot of drugs on the streets, but he is a sweet little boy. He has been enjoying the toys and football in the yard. He loves trying on his new clothes again and again, and looks adorable in the little “Hang Loose, Maui” shirt I got him. He loves dancing too, and is a really good dancer. He loves playing with the little animal toys that the boys got. The boys call him the Prince of Slums, because apparently Joseph is from the royal family here. His last name is the same as the King of Buganda. Personally, for some reason, I find this really sad. I mean, he is actually part of the royal family here! I don’t know how distant that is, though I am sure its pretty distant, but still. Part of my heart just breaks knowing that his own family sits on the throne of Uganda, while Joseph was (as the boys say) Prince of Kisenyi. But all I keep thinking as I watch him playing is “its their loss”. How could you throw this child out? He is SO precious. How could you not want him? He is a prince, he shares the inheritance of the Kingdom of God. He belongs home with me, and its their loss.

*Please continue to pray for Enoch. We could not find him, and I am starting to loose hope to be honest. I don’t know where to go next, or what do to. He is lost, and only God can find him. At this point, my prayer is that God would be with Enoch, and bring him home (in whatever way that happens to look like, because I don’t want Enoch to be suffering and alone).

*I just wanted to share what it feels like to be called mom for the first time. Um, amazing, and overwhelming, but so joyful. On the first evening, the boys were already calling me momma Cait. By today, they are referring to me as their “mama wange” which is a more direct term of mom (you have to understand the Luganda, but its the difference between calling me a mom, to calling me their mom). Even Alex is calling me mom. He tried it out in play several dozen times on the first day, shouting “mom!” in play, just to see if I would answer to him. When I did, he finally settled into just calling me mom (though not in front of anyone else, because at the party he called me auntie Cait again :)

Lastly, if you are wondering, I am slightly overwhelmed right now. It finally hit me, AFTER we brought them home, that this was a forever change. These are my kids now, and this is what I chose to do with my life. I had a few moments/ days of feeling like I couldn’t do it. Like I wasn’t wise or strong enough (and I am not, but through God I can do this). I am settling into myself, the longer we have the boys home. I am learning to trust my parenting, though the idea of being responsible for 4 children is terrifying still. And I am exhausted! Like bringing home a baby, my whole schedule is shifted and they need 100% of my attention, almost 24/7. Me and Sam definitely need some rest (yes that is a prayer request)! But on a whole, I am doing well. Yes, its a lot, but it wont always be as hard as this first week. And I love them so much that even when I think I am at my breaking point, I would never choose anything other than these boys and this life. They are my little boys, and I adore them with all I am.

Thank you for praying with us, so that God could get us to this point. So many miracles, and praises and joys. God is SO faithful, and the work of His hands is glorious. This is just the beginning too, the start of something new. The first steps of a new journey for these boys, a time of leaving old things behind and starting again.

3 Days to Go!!!

So this is probably going to be my last post before we open Joseph’s House since we open in just 3 days. I promise to take lots of pictures and give a long post about how that goes :) Its going to be a day I remember forever- a day I’ve been looking forward to most of my life. Because of this, I am having trouble sleeping. I lay awake and pray for my kids and think about what Monday will be like, and how its going to completely flip my world upside down in the best way imaginable. Tonight as I lay awake, I am writing to you all.

This week has been a time of great preparations. We got our house keys on Saturday, but couldn’t start moving things in until yesterday. But I am determined to open by the 22nd, and so we had to start buying things a.s.a.p! Yesterday we bought the beds and mattresses. Today we (me, Eddy and Sam) bought EVERYTHING we needed to open the home... yes everything. It took forever, shopping for an entire house in an African market, but we got it done. After hours of buying, we moved it all to the house, and set to work preparing for the kids to come. I washed the whole house (walls, floors, windows, veranda). We set up our store room with food and cups and plates. We put the mattresses and sheets on the beds, then added the mosquito nets.

My super favorite part of the day was putting together the boys cases (trunks with all their things in it). I took great care giving each boy the clothing that fit his individual spirit and personality. They also got new shoes, toothbrushes/paste, jelly (like lotion), combs, towels, and some other things that I am forgetting right now (it is 1AM and its been a long day). I put all of these things in their cases with love, imagining them coming home in a few short days and opening them for the first time. They will also be coming home to sofas, a TV, bookcase with plenty of books, coloring books, leggos, blocks, as well as “care packages” on their beds (including letters from me and Abby, and candy). When my mom comes in two weeks, they will also all be getting teddy bears and a lot of other fun things. They will be coming home to a lot of wonderful things, all of which were all picked with the hopes of giving 5 boys a childhood that they have never had.

At one point Eddy, Amy (who helped after we started unpacking at the house) and Sam had all gone to get more supplies, so I was alone at the house. Our home is beautiful by the way. Its big so there is plenty of space, but small enough to feel like a home. We have a big compound (fenced yard) with lots of trees and grass. Our neighborhood is peaceful and quiet, and very Ugandan... I've missed living in a Ugandan neighborhood and am already enjoying listening to the slow bustle of African life outside our gate. Its outside town enough to be really green, like I said its a slow and peaceful suburb. Its an incredible feeling to be completely aware of God’s presence in a place, and I know God dwells in Joseph’s House. His love and joy surround it. So while I was alone, I was sitting in our large grassy yard enjoying the total peace of the place. I was just praying and praising the Father for giving us such a wonderful home, and so many blessings. To be starting the home, and able to do it in such a short time. I know God wants these kids off the streets with the same urgency that I do. Anyways, as I was sitting in the grass, I was looking around and imagining how different it will look & sound in just a few days. Yes peaceful, but not quiet. Yes joyful, but with trials. But full of life! I can see my kids playing in the yard, or on the veranda. I can see us sitting at the table eating dinner, or doing devotions in the living room. I can imagine reading to them under the shade of the palms in our yard. Its so close, and there is still so much to do, but it will be amazing.

Tomorrow, our cook Harriet (who was one of the ladies in our Hope House) and her two little kids will move into the garage, which is separate but attached to the house (for the record, in Uganda garages are mostly used as rooms because nobody actually has cars). Tomorrow we are also interviewing a teacher, who will home-school the boys, and is the only staff member we have yet to hire. On Saturday I am moving in to the house, and will do the final prep. On Sunday, I am taking time to fast, rest and pray. Pray over each boy, over Monday, and over the next few weeks which will be rocky. Sunday afternoon we will find each boy, and tell them to meet us at the clinic in Kivulu on Monday at noon.

Monday, I will be waiting at the clinic in the morning. When the boys are all there (hopefully they will get there by noon, but they are street kids) we will have them all bathe and put on new clothes. We will then sit them down and tell them about the home, and about why God wants them off the streets. I will tell them that they have been on the streets a long time, and that their Father never forgot about them. Because He loves them, we want them to come into our home. I will then go back to the house and wait for them, while Eddy and Sam (the two J-House uncles) will take the boys out to eat. I want them to eat a TON of food, so that after that day, they never need to be hungry again.

When the boys walk through the gate on Monday afternoon, I want them to have very full bellies. I want them to be in new clothes, and all clean. I want them to know they are HOME. This is forever, and they are safe. I want them to walk in the door, and feel peace at the beautiful place that God has given us. I want this dream to come true, and so does Jesus. If you have the time, we would really appreciate your prayers in these specific things over the next few days...

PRAYER REQUESTS

-That we would find Enoch, as he is still missing.

-That the sponsorship money would continue to come in. We have enough to open, but it would be good to have a bigger safety net and to bring in a 6th boy.

-That all of the boys would remain safe until Monday.

-That God would be preparing their hearts for then, so that they are all willing and ready to come home.

-That God would give me and our staff an abundance of wisdom and patience as we learn how to parent these traumatized children.

-That once the boys are home, God gives them steady hearts and stability so that they can stay there.


I know our Father is the ultimate provider, and through Him we can do all things. He hems us in, behind and before. I cannot wait to post my next update, and tell everyone about the beginning of this home that God has been preparing.

Prayers for Enoch

So when Joseph's House was first starting, there was a boy in our A.P.I. Forever homes that I felt like God was placing on my heart. For this particular boy, I was confused because he was already in our Forever homes, and he was doing okay there.

Enoch is pretty young, maybe 10 or 11. I first met him in Kisenyi in December two years ago. He was super sick with malaria, and I convinced him to come to programs to get treatment. I really love him, but at first he was WAY to wild to come into our homes. Over time though, God really changed his little heart, and he was able to come home. Since then, he has run away several times. He has a stubbornness about him due to extreme trauma, and can be really difficult at times. That being said, God has really been transforming him over the past year.

Because he was doing better, we (me and Abby) decided that he should stay in the Forever Homes. Our idea was that if he was doing well, placing him in Joseph's House would bring him down as far as any behavioral progress he makes. That being said, I decided that if he was on the streets when Joseph's House opened, and unable to come back to the Forever Homes, I would take him. I think God wanted me to know he would be in my house, but I also really wanted him to do well in Bombo, so I prayed that he would stay there. But while we were in America this winter, he ran away again. He has been on the streets again for awhile, and by all accounts is not doing so well. This was all the confirmation I needed, and we decided that Enoch would come into J House so he can get the individualized attention he needs. I really believe he can make it in our homes... the trouble right now is finding him.

A few weeks ago, Abby had a nightmare about Enoch, and this dream was what prompted us to decide for sure that he should come to Joseph's House (because he needs to get off the streets). Abby dreams a lot, and I thought she was just worried about Enoch and therefore dreaming about him. I however almost never remember my dreams, and so on Tuesday this week when I had a nightmare about Enoch, it really worried me. It was super vivid, and while I don't usually give credit to my dreams, this one felt like a divine warning. In it, Enoch was on the streets, small and dirty. He was surrounded by a group of men, and I couldn't see him because they were crowded around him. I could hear him calling though, and I got scared and ran toward him. I pushed my way through the circle of men, and saw him lying on the ground, somehow hurt. He was crying and obviously afraid. I picked him up, and he put his head on my shoulder. I then proceeded to carry my very scared little boy home, where I knew he would be safe.

After having this dream, I started asking around for Enoch. It suddenly occurred to me that nobody (on our staff, or even the other boys) had seen him for awhile. Considering that the network of street kids is pretty tight (though it may seem hard), its actually relatively easy to track down a particular kid in Kampala if you are really looking for him. But for several days now, I have been looking- really looking- and there is no sign of him. The kids in Kisenyi say he is in Wandegyre. The boys in Wandegyre say he is hiding in Kisenyi. Some kids say he is in hiding, because he stole a pair of skates, and others say he was arrested for this same crime. Still other boys say he is in a home with a program called Tigers, but the boys in these Tigers homes say he ran away two weeks ago. The staff of these homes claim they have never seen him, but are on the lookout.

Bottom line, I cannot find him. And like any parent, I am starting to seriously worry. I know that one of the above stories is probably true, but still its odd that we haven't seen him (or that nobody has). Enoch should have heard by now that I am looking for him. He knows us, he trusts us, and it seems out of character that he would continue to hide. Maybe he ashamed for running away, but when he first ran away, we (as a staff) saw him regularly around town... My mind runs away with horrible scenarios, because there IS real danger for a little boy in a big city. Child sacrifice is still practiced in rural Uganda, and boys are soled and traded. There is deadly illness, and mob justice for thieves. I know God has Enoch in His hands, but I would appreciate prayers for him right now. Because even if Enoch is totally fine, and just in hiding, he is still a little kid. He is just a child who is lost and needs a family. He belongs to our A.P.I. family, and in only 9 days I would like to bring him home. But I cannot do that unless I find him.

Please pray that God reveals Enoch, so that our lost child can come home.

Only Agape

Agape Love : selfless love of one person for another (especially love that is spiritual in nature).


So many times I’ve written about my love for these kids. I have said its a piece of God’s own heart for them. That its not my own, and that any love I can offer (from my own heart) would not be enough. Today more than ever, I stand by that. I love these kids more and more each day. And as much as they bring joy, light and excitement into my life, they also bring challenges. 

I  cannot say how many days at programs I look around at all the kids causing problems (fighting, interrupting, misbehaving in general) and realize they are my J House boys. There are days when I think if my kids were not at programs, we wouldn't have any trouble at all. I have half a dozen hands grabbing at mine, and half a dozen voices shouting and asking and needing things from me. And Alex is swinging from the rafters of the church like a monkey, running around hitting kids, and saying “F You!” to everyone. Or  I find Waswa holding an armful of rocks and trying his best to hit whichever boy is disturbing him at the moment. Sometimes Sabote just wanders away in the middle of a conversation because he has simply lost interest, and he is always telling me over and over and over that he's hungry. A million little moments like this, all day, every day. The hardest parts of parenting, but 70% of the time (that 30% of pure joy eclipses all the hard stuff). And you know what? I am not enough. My patience is not enough. My words are not enough. My wisdom is not enough. My everything is not enough! No way can I do this alone, but it can be done. God chose me for it. He chose me, and I chose them, and none of it makes any sense but it all somehow works. In its own way it all fits together, and I know that this was the plan all along. There was never any other choice for me, or another direction I should/could have gone it. This is the master plan for my life, and I cannot imagine it different.

God’s love is so infinite and enduring. When my heart becomes irritable He brings me peace. When my wisdom fails, He gives me direction. When I myself am just poured out, and emotionally empty, He fills me up. His love is enough, not just for me. Its enough to pour out time and time again onto these children. Its a beautiful thing, and I stand in wonder at the unimaginable greatness of it all.

I ask myself, “what kind of love is this?”. What kind of love is so great and deep and wide. Imagining God’s love is like trying to understand eternity- its impossible. Its like trying to think of a color you’ve never seen; our human brain is not built to understand it. Its to great for us to comprehend. Only by blessing me with a small part of His own selfless love am I able to love my boys. Without Him, and His love for me, I am nothing.