Breaking Again and Again

On Wednesday we did a night outreach. Me, Abby, David, Amy and two visitors went out at night to see our kids. We found them in Wandegyre, hopping around in the traffic. Its dark, and cars are going super fast, and here are my kids jumping up and down on the center divide. They are there hoping someone has a window rolled down, so they can beg for money.

We called them over, and talked with them for awhile, then they showed us where they sleep. They lead us down a super narrow and long alley, past all the shops and crowds. We ended up in a very shady party of the alley where there were no lights at all. There was a container (shipping container) that someone had abandoned. The boys had laid down cardboard there, and were sleeping inside it. I won’t lie, it smelled like a dog kennel and I saw a rat. But the worst part is that right across the way, in this very narrow alley, is where all the prostitutes sell. Already, they were out and had customers. They probably use the containers to do business, and certainly the boys are exposed to it every night. We gave them food and prayed with them. Then we said goodnight, and I went back to my safe and comfortable house. I slept in my safe and warm bed- but all night I thought of my boys sleeping on the cold metal ground.

My heart was broken all over again.

This heartbreak is unending. I see these things every day, and you’d think I would “get use to them” but I don’t. You would think I would understand that its “just the way things are” but I don’t. Its not right. Anger rises up in me- this is injustice. It feels like I am betraying them because I have such good things. And while I know I need to take care of myself so I can take care of them, it still feels wrong not to give more of myself (even if there is not much else I can give). My heart breaks again and again, every day. This must be how God feels- its miserable but its also right. If I didn’t feel this pain, I wouldn’t be suitable for this job anymore. Being shocked at the cruelties I see is part of what I do. It keeps my heart close to these boys, keeps my mind focused on what I am doing.

Today, I had an intense conversation with one of my boys. He was telling me about some really terrible things that happened to him, and how sad and hurt he was by them. He didn’t understand why these bad things happened to him, and he was angry. And watching him struggle with pain far greater than I have ever known, I felt my own heart tearing. It was like emotional pain was overflowing from his heart, and as I watched his tears, I felt my own start to fall. He looked up at me, and said “Auntie Kate, you shouldn’t cry for me. This is my pain, so don’t cry”. But he was wrong, and I told him so. I told him that he was my family, and the bible says we share things with those we love. We share joy and sorrows, and so his pain is my pain. And while I cannot fix or change anything, I can at least share his sorrows and help him carry this grief.

Some days I think I will shatter, but God is my glue. He holds me together, so I can break anew each day. While that seems backwards, I think its exactly how things are supposed to be. I see people every day who stopped caring. Their hearts became hard and jaded. They tricked themselves into thinking that the problems of the hurting are for someone else to deal with.

So I am grateful for my heartbreak, because it means I have a heart. 

Live Hard

I was talking with someone the other day, about how I could never go back from this place. I have seen to much, known to much to ever forget. The faces of the hurting and the broken are fixed in my mind, their names written on my heart. I made this choice, to come and live here and serve these children. I made it because I wanted to, because I was called to, and in that time I have never doubted the choice I made. No matter how hard things get, its my calling. But now it goes beyond that, because there is no turning back from here. Like I said, I cannot forget. And once things are known, it changes you. It breaks a part of you, and holds on to your heart.

At the same time, my life is so much richer now. I was telling the person I was talking with that I love Uganda, I love these people so much because they live so hard. In every way, life here is FULL! People wear the brightest colors, and listen to the loudest music. The lyrics are fun and all music here sounds joyful, even if its about something sad. All day I am breathing in the scents of the city, and they are bold. Sometimes so sweet, and sometimes extremely foul, they are always there. And the people here go all or nothing with life. When they love, they love. They care for each other and build one another up. When they hurt they hurt. They grieve openly, sobbing and wailing. They shout their pain for everyone to hear.

I feel like life is happening all around me, and its full and bright and beautiful.

So do I deal with things here that most Americans will never struggle with? Yes. Do I see heartbreak that kills me every day? Yes. Are there days when this seems so hard I cannot stand it? Yes. But would I trade it for anything? NO! I want to live strong, and hard and give all of me as long as I am here to give it. And while sometimes the task seems daunting, its okay. Because the shadows prove the sunshine, and this a beautiful but broken world. And for ever heartache I see, there is an abundance of joy and love that makes up for it 100X over. Sometimes its scary, to love people so much because there is so much to loose... but now I have known that kind of joy and love. I have known it, and its clear to me that this is the kind of life God wants us to experience. Full of hurt, and joy and love... once you have lived like this, nothing else will be enough. I want to live this one life I have all or nothing. I want to take advantage of what Christ did for me- He offers me life to the fullest. Life is now, and I am not just going to sit back and enjoy it. Life is not just going to happen to me... its to fragile for that. No, my life is not just going to happen to me- I am going to live it.

And I am going to live hard :)

You're Perfect

So I posted about it last time, but currently God has put a boy named Kasozi on my heart. He is a boy I've known for a long time, but its only recently that God called me to love him specifically. I would guess he is about 14 or 15, and he is really rough around the edges. He was resettled awhile ago, but ran away again. Sometime in his absence from our programs, he acquired a nasty scar across his nose; evidence he was having a hard time. He does so many drugs that he is high almost all the time and always has a dazed look on his face. And he fights a lot with the other boys. But unlike most boys, he doesn't just explode and go blindly swinging. When Kasozi fights, he aims to hurt, and he usually can. 

Still, one day he wandered into programs (I say wandered because that is what he does... he never seems to know how he got somewhere). He looked high and dirty as ever, but something in my heart changed toward him that day. I saw what God sees; a lost boy. As I observed him that day, my heart filled with love for him. He isn't just a troublemaker, he is so much more than that. He is a boy who has never had someone to be good for. Nobody has ever trusted him, or expected him to be the best he can be. But I do... I expect great things from this great boy. He still flights, and does drugs, but he also listens better. He comes to programs regularly, because he knows I expect him to be there. I expect him to behave, and so he is respectful during my lessons. I trust him, and so he is trustworthy. I wait for him to show up each day, and I greet him with a smile. He knows I love him, and so he is loyal. He is always near me, always watching out for me. I knew these qualities where in Kasozi, but he didn't. Sometimes a child just needs to know you believe in them. I believe in Kasozi :)

You can't even see his scar!

So for a solid week, I have been trying to take a picture of him. I have wanted to blog about him, but I wanted you readers to be able to see his beautiful face! But as much as I wanted this picture, Kasozi resisted. He refused to let me get a shot of him! It was driving me crazy, and so today at programs I asked Uncle Abdul to help me. Abdul called him over, and told him I wanted a picture. It was immediately obvious why he didn't want this picture taken- he kept covering his face and hiding the scar. It has become a pretty defining feature of his face, and so I never think about it. But for him, a street kid without access to a mirror often, it must look new and sad every time he sees it. The other boys picked up on his discomfort, and I felt so helpless as they made fun of him. It broke my heart, and made me so angry! I did finally get a photo, but he was so embarrassed it wasn't even worth it. After programs had ended, I decided to try again. I asked David to go and talk with him, and I explained Kasozi's discomfort. David went and talked with him, and eventually Kasozi came to me. He said it was okay to take a photo with him, and so I did. After I had showed it to him, I told him how much I love him and how he is exactly who God created him to be. I told him that I didn't see his scar when I looked at him; instead I see a brave and wonderful boy. I feel honored that he trusted me enough to allow me to take that simple picture, but I desperately want him to see what I see.

That he is beautiful. That he is good. That he is special. That he has talent. That he is strong. That he can do great things. That he is more than a street kid. That he is perfected in the blood of Christ. That he is God's masterpiece. But mostly, that he is loved. He is so loved! 

Please pray with me, for Kasozi. That he would see what I see, which is the amazing child that God created.  That he could see himself through God's eyes, and know just how loved he really is.

Distant Calling

I again hear God calling me forward. This particular call is still distant, and cannot happen right now. Nonetheless I have heard it, and am really excited about it. If you're a consistent reader of my blog, you'll notice that I go through stages of talking about one boy a lot. I love all of my boys beyond words (honestly) but every once and awhile there will be one that God puts on my heart a little harder than the rest. Its not to say I love these kids more, but God definitely places them front and center for a time.

They are the toughest cases; the most hardened, wild and broken. They are the ones that seem almost hopeless, and therefore God places them directly in my sight. The love He gives me for these particular boys is so strong- I would die for any one of my kids, but this love is fierce. I don't know how to describe it without sounding like they are favorites, because they aren't. They are just my focus for a time. I find it remarkable how faithful God is with these children. I can pour into them for a period of time, nurturing them and giving them what hope I can offer. And I pray for them- all day every day. And God takes care of them! Read back through my posts and you'll see what I mean. Last year, it was Eddy who is now in my care and at boarding. Then it was David, who is now in our Forever Home for the little boys, safe and with a loving family. And then it was Kato, who is also now in our Forever Home :) And of course, Alex... how can we forget Alex. God has answered a huge prayer in that Alex has been taken into a Ugandan family. I have never heard of a family taking in a random street kid, but this family took Alex. We (our staff) has always said that Alex needed a family, not a home but a personal family. God worked a miracle in that this loving Christian family took him in! I honestly cannot believe how great God is sometimes. Currently it is a boy named Kasozi, who is just as broken and (literally) scared as the rest. And yet I see a light in him, a goodness, and I am determined to help him bring that light out.

One thing I have learned this past year is that God has created me different than most people I work with here (or actually, than anyone I've ever seen doing this kind of work long term). I am emotional and sensitive. I feel everything my boys do. I absorb every detail of their story and experience it with them. And while this is good in some areas, its also a distinct disadvantage. While God has blessed me with the ability to read these kids very well, and be very in-tune with them, I also wear out faster. I am learning to balance my deep emotions and connections with these boys with personal boundaries that can make this work possible for the rest of my life.

I think God puts these boys on my heart because I am able to focus all of my sensitivity toward their needs. I cannot get them out of my head, or heart. I think about them all the time I am not with them, and my world lights up when I see them at Street Programs. God knows I work well one-on-one. I love being able to give a lot of my time and energy to one boy, to lift him up and love him. To help heal some deep attachment issues, and build a bond of love that they can count on. I get to do this with all our Forever Home boys, but not with all street kids because they move around a lot. But when God places one of these particular boys on my heart, I will search for them when they are not at programs. And every single time, I find myself wanting to take them home with me. I want to see them every day, and help them feel safe and loved. I want to provide for them, and be there to encourage them daily. Now, God has clearly spoken to me that I am not going to start my own home here. I have no desire to, and for these kids a home isn't what they need. They need family, and time and singled out devotion...

So here is the call, faint as it may be. Someday, I am going to be married, and have my own house (like Abby and David). And while I will need to be a part of ministry still, going to street programs and out to Bombo for the weekends, I will add another area of ministry to my personal life. When God places these particular boys on my heart, I am going to take them home. It will be more like foster care. I will not adopt, but I will be there day in and day out to love them. I will help them with homework, and cook dinner. I will work on personal attachment skills, and build them up. I am 100% sure that God is going to bless me with a husband who is equally willing to accept these boys into our life. They can stay with us until they are ready to move on (although I am not sure what that will look like, it will probably be until they are 17 and old enough to go to vocational school). They are going to take a more personal and permanent place in my life.

Maybe its silly to be so excited about something so distant, but I am. It gives me so much joy and hope to know that someday, I will have the privilege of doing this ministry. I feel like God is creating the perfect opportunity for me to use my skills and spiritual gifts.


God is beautiful.