Tears in the Sunshine

 Yesterday was the begining of goodbye. First, I dropped Eddy and one of the other street kids (Ibra, whom I ADORE) off at Alpha and Omega boarding school. Saying goodbye to them was really hard, because it was the last time I will see them until December. Me and Eddy both cried, which only made it worse. I felt like a parent saying goodbye as their child leaves for college. Then I got home and had missed the goodbye of the three boys in our home (Sadic, Peter and William) who are in P7. They had also left for boarding, and I am not sure I will get a chance to see them before I go.



Eddy, Me and Ibra (sorry the pic is funny)



Me and little Bashil have been in a sort of battle for the past few weeks. He is constantly trying to prove I love him, and I am constantly not meeting his ridiculouse expectations. Last night when I got home. he was in a really weird mood. He kept saying he loved me, but that I was a terrible person. He said I was not a Christian, that I did not really love the boys, that I had secret bad behavior and words. The list went on and on, and when he refused to leave my room, even by force, I started to cry. He finally left me to sit and clean up my overturned rice (which had gotten stepped on in our struggle) in the dark room (no electricity). Other boys ( Emma and Monday) came in, and helped me clean my floor, and comforted me as I wept from the stress of that day. I cried even harder at the contrast of their kindness in light of what had just happened. Jesus used two preteen boys to show His love for me last night.

After I calmed down, I went in and had a talk at devotions. I told the boys that I loved them so much, and that the Holy Spirit had given me love for them, so nothing they did could ever make me stop. I also told them that I was really dissapointed in the way they had treated me this summer, and that if they continued to treat other aunties like this (which they have done in the past) people would not want to come visit them. Mostly I told them I loved them, and I thought it went fairly well.

Thismorning I woke up to terrible news. Little Bashil and another boy had run away. They said it was for different reasons, but I know it was because of what I said last night. I feel super guilty, like its all my fault, and have spent the time since I heard this news in tears. Abby spoke truth when she said that we dicipline them like a normal family would, but these kids are just runners. She also made the point that I said what I said because I love them, because I want them to grow into goldy men. I still feel aweful, like its all my fault.

Jesus thinks what Abby thinks, because when I was doing my devotion today, I came across this passage in Hebrews. "let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from the guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water" 10:22

For me, today, this verse applies to the way I love the kids. I have faith that God will give me the heart to perservere. And I can be washed clean of my guilt because I acted in Spirit filled love. I have faith in God, meaning I am SURE of God. I know that God has everything in His mighty hands, and I am SURE He will take care of it. The next few days are going to be really hard, and I am not looking forward to them at all. I have no doubt that this is going to be the hardest part of my whole trip (even with the certainty I will be back). I have so much anxiety about leaving the boys, especially when my leaving makes something like this happen. So I will have faith in my King; being sure He will fufill what I hope for and certain His is in control of what I cannot see (or forsee).