MIGRAINE: DAY 12

Okay so always, my headaches have been a bummer. For those of you reading this that don’t know, I have a nerve condition called Occipital Neuralgia, which causes me to have a moderate headache 80% of the time, and a horrible migraine the other 20%. Since I was 16, this “thorn in my side” has followed me, but I deal. What else can I do right? I told God a long time ago that if His plan was not to heal me (which, so far, it has not been) then I would do my best to honor Him with my life anyways. If I am going to have a headache, I may as well persevere in serving the Lord, instead of letting Satan waste my days with pain.

But now I am (roughly) going on 2 weeks of this particular migraine. I don’t know why it started, or what caused it. I just woke up one morning with a throbbing head, and it hasn’t broken since then. And yes, I mean the whole 9 yards: sensitivity to light and sound-sick to my stomach-cannot sleep-exhausted from the pain- kind of migraine. For the first few days, I just slept, praying the headache would break and I would feel better. On day 5, when that hadn’t happened, I got out of bed. Since then, my days have been a blur of discomfort and exhaustion (physical and emotional). I need God to intervene here... I need a break.

This feels different because for the first time I am responsible for other people as well. That makes resting harder, because I am a mom. My headache makes me tired, and irritable, and I am having trouble giving my kids the love and attention they need from me. And I feel super guilty, and sad, and frustrated for needing so much rest. I don’t blame God for this at all, and am not angry at Him for allowing me to walk in this place. But I do need Him, and pretty desperately. I need this pain to go away, and I need prayer. If you can find it in your day to say a little prayer for me, for my headache and my energy, please do. That God will take this pain away, and that  until He does, He will give me the grace I need to parent these children in a way that honors Him.

I have walked in this place many, many times before. Its not new, but its still not easy. But God never leaves my side, and He will always be my strength, especially when I have none.

The Big Brick Wall

So I wasn't wanting to post today, but a wise mentor suggested I let all of you in on how I am feeling at this particular moment, because sometimes the truth is what needs to be told. And we need prayer, because we cannot move forward without it. This week I have felt pretty discouraged. Partially this is because I have had a horrible migraine for the past 5 days, and am just physically exhausted from being in so much pain. Also because of this, I am emotionally worn down. I feel like we (Joseph's House) has come to a stuck place with our kids. A place where we need a Divine breakthrough, because I feel like I am beating my fists against a massive brick wall that cannot be broken.

Today, I woke up at 7AM to hysterical screaming from the living room. This was being caused by two of our boys * Michael and *Brian (*I am changing their names for privacy). These two boys have been fighting ALL THE TIME recently, and today was the last straw. Michael had injured Brian so badly we had to take him to the clinic (think Mike Tyson...).  Michael was then so upset because he had a punishment for fighting that he proceeded to threaten to break down all the windows and hurt everyone in the house for the next two hours. He eventually cried himself to sleep, and things became somewhat peaceful again, but by this time it was 10AM, and the morning had been so upset that we had significant trouble getting the other boys to settle down and get back to their homeschooling. Just another normal day right?

See, it feels like these kind of days are increasing recently instead of decreasing. Like these fights are getting more frequent. We are having other problems with another two boys who are mostly refusing to go to school. They make it through a little while, then quit about mid-morning. I feel really stuck as to what discipline can make them choose to study, because no matter what we do, the effects are not long lasting. This heart change (wanting to try, and to study) is not happening, and it needs to. And its days like today that make me feel like I am loosing this war. Like on the surface, we are making improvements, and we are. Some of our boys are doing amazing, seriously miraculously well. And I see God changing their hearts, and their lives. And I am so thankful! Little things like the fact that Brian has started making his bed every morning without being asked (small as that seems) is huge. He was on the streets for 7 years, and teaching him this simple responsibility is an incredible accomplishment. But on other, bigger things, there are days I feel like we have made no progress at all, and it breaks me down.

And so I am beating against this wall, and its so stupid. My fists cannot win against this wave of evil, against the corruption that has broken these children. All my love and wisdom and discipline will never be enough. This battle, the fight to heal these boys and give them back their childhoods, is a fight beyond me. Its a spiritual battle that God is fighting harder than I can even imagine. He is on our side, fighting for His children. He will break down this brick wall, and bring us all past it. And so its to Him that I cling, His promise to take care of me and these boys.

I will say to the Lord "You are my place of safety and my protection. You are my God, and I trust you"- Psalm 91:2