The Jump

 I am standing in the dark, which is pressing me from all sides. In my hand, I hold a single candle, and its light is just enough to illuminate my immediate surroundings. The dark presses in, and I am afraid, but the light in my candle is strong, although gentile. The light will not go out, and it gives me endless comfort. Step by step, I venture into the unknown, trusting that my little light will illuminate my next steps when it comes time to take them.

Yesterday at church, I was praying during worship. All I kept asking is "what am I holding onto Lord that is keeping me from you?" Its an easy thing to do, but it takes its toll. God however, is beautiful. He answered me simply- its my future. It hit me like a ton of bricks, how worthless all that I desire is without Jesus. NOTHING is worth separation from Christ. There is so much unknown right now, but I am daily giving it all back. Today is my last full day in Uganda, and I know I will be back. This place is so ingrained in my heart, these boys are just waiting to receive my love. My kids are brave, and smart, and kind, and funny, and compassionate. They are the most inspiring and thoughtful children I have ever known. As I think about the holiday season, I realize what it means to give hope and love all over again. Jesus came to offer just that to those who were looked over by everyone else, and my aim is to love like He did.
I know God well enough to know that no matter where He leads me, it will be in His timing. He will do it in a way that lets Him take all the glory, and gives me peace and joy. There is no thought He does not know, no heartache or fear He does not understand, and no place I can hide from His ever loving presence. And as I take the jump that will be the next few months of my life, under the fear is the trust and excitement; I cannot wait to look back at this blog and think "how amazing is my Lord?" all over again!

Just a Glimps

So during my stay in Uganda, I have been able to witness something wonderful. There is a couple staying with me in the apartment who is adopting from Sanyu Babies Home. They are a wonderful couple, who have been living by faith this past year, trusting that God's will is best for them and the child they hoped to adopt. I have got to see the beautiful end to a long journey; Jackson, their little boy, is finally home with his parents!
The message this little boy has received is LOVE.  It is all around him as he settles into his family. All day, every day, are praises of love. If he is sad, upset, frightened, or if he has made a mistake. When he is being silly, cuddly, or sweet... they are constantly telling him how much he is loved. The love they are pouring into him is working wonders too; I have seen such a transformation in just a few days. The shy and uncertain baby who first came to stay here is now a thriving young toddler who is safe in his parents love. Equally joyful to watch is Sally and Tim's delight is they interact and experience their son. To see how perfectly God has matched them, that they really are the best He could give to each of them, is amazing.
Its been a beautiful illustration of what God thinks of us. Of before we accept salvation, how much He longed for us to join His family. How much we need our Father. Of how God transforms our hearts daily by the power of His abounding love for each of us. How unending and limitless that love is! And (and this is the part that we cannot see well with human eyes) how much He truly cherishes and delights in each moment He gets to spend with His children.
I see this illustration in every Godly act of love we give here on earth. Whether it me and my street kids, or a groom and his new bride, God is trying to show us how much He loves us. I am sure that as much as Jackson's adoption was about giving him and his parents the family they dreamed of, is is equally about showing others how it mirrors Gods own acts of love. What a beautiful Lord!!!

Brothers in Christ

The other day, as me, Abby, David and Abdul were driving home from Bombo (the village where the boy's new home is), some men on a boda started yelling at me. I was inside the taxi, and they were shouting obscene things through the window. David and Abdul are two of the kindest, most calm guys I know, but when they heard the things those men were saying to me, they got mad. They yelled back at the guys, and ended up throwing water through the window at them. I was super embarrassed, but I also felt really protected. This is not an uncommon feeling for me; often I am walking and one of the uncles has to come to my defense. I suppose I would feel more uncomfortable here without them, but they really do care about me, and really will protect me.

When I was younger, I wanted an older brother so badly. I wanted someone to look up to, and to protect me, and come to my defense. I wanted someone to laugh with, and who I could trust and confide in. Now I look around in my life, and I see not one brother, but many. Yesterday, me and Abby were talking about how much these guys have had to overcome. Here in Uganda, its a patriarchal society. Women have no say, and most of the men here treat me with disrespect because they have never been taught different. The uncles we work with have not been taught by their fathers either. They were taught by their Heavenly Father. These men have learned to overcome everything their culture has taught them about women, and have come to see us as God created us. They treat me with respect, honor and love. I am amazed at how much God has worked in their hearts to help them rise above the things this world wanted to teach them. Its just one more way I see God moving hearts over here, and I am so thankful He does!

Little Faith

The past few days have been so full of joy for me, and also so full of worry. On Friday, we (me, Abby, David, Abdul, and a few friends) went to the boys home on the new land. Its such a beautiful place, and so full of hope and love for those boys. We were not just celebrating those houses, but the journey God has taken all of us on. From bringing those boys off the streets, to the healing they have had, to the safety and permanence of these new homes. In all of those works, I see God. I know it was God that moved, and God that made things happen. When I see the land, and the homes, I know it is a place where God dwells. He is there, He made it happen, and they (including the boys in them) are His. He has been so faithful in all of it, and I can see His fingerprints on everything.
So if I know that I serve a faithful God, a King more loyal and abundant than I can ever imagine, why am I so afraid? Because I am afraid; I am terrified that God will not let me come back here for some reason. I am sick with worry that God gave me this love, only to make me watch from afar. I am so sure (more sure than I have ever been about anything) that God has called me to Uganda, to make it my home. But this fear that God will take that away is consuming me. I have been learning a lot about myself and my faith the past few days, and rediscovering again what it means to love Jesus. Do I truly love Jesus? Would I still serve Him with my whole heart if He told me I was not coming back to Uganda? Would I still trust His plan for me, even if things don't work out? I have been praying that God would lead me out of this place of fear, because I do not want to be here. I want to know that God will work it all out, and I want to love JESUS enough to follow HIM anywhere (even where I do not want to go...). 
Jesus gave me this love, the passion for my boys. He brought me to Uganda, and has opened every door that I have come to. He has NEVER let me down, and He never will. That is the God I follow, and the God I will continue to follow, even if every plan I have falls apart. The truth is that I do not serve a God of "what if"
"what if I cannot come back to Uganda?"
"what if I don't find a sender?"
"what if I have to watch my boys from afar, and trust that God can take care of them without me?"

I serve the God of "I AM"
" I AM the King who gave you this love"
"I AM the Lord who you can trust with everything"
"I AM the Redeemer who can make all things possible"
"I AM the one who loves these boys the most"
"I AM the one who came before Uganda, and will be with you long after Uganda has faded from your heart"

That is the God I choose to serve. A wise and wonderful friend gave me some sound advice when I told her of my fears. She said that if God wants me back in Uganda, He will get me here. That is true, and even though the idea makes it hard for me to breath as I consider it, I am surrendering everything I have, I am, and I hold dear to Jesus. If He brings me back here, its His plan. If He doesn't, I will trust in Him anyways, and hold onto Him while He leads me in a new direction.

Lead Me, and I will Follow

Okay, so I keep coming back to this verse in John. Jesus is relentless in His question- "do you love me?" Do I love you Lord? Yes! I want to shout and scream and show everyone that I love my God above all else. But I can't, not so that people really believe me. I have to show it with my life- my life as a living sacrifice. The part of this story at the end of John that I am stuck on right now is when God says

"When your were younger, you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but now you are older you will stretch out your hands and someone else will dress you and lead you, even where you do not want to go" 21:18
What does that mean for my life? When I lift my hands in praise to God, its also in surrender. I am acknowledging that I am nothing, I have nothing without Him.

Becoming a parent at 21 is something I never believed I would do, and yet I have more info on how to raise a teenager than most girls my age. And even though I love my kids like they are my own, I have
NO idea what I am doing. The other day, my Eddie (who is 14 now) decided he was going to go home to see his brother. He asked me "can I go?". I wanted to say no, because his brother has a lot of shady girls around and smokes pot all the time, but I didn't. Instead, I let Eddie choose- I told him to make good choices, and prayed that he would not break the trust he has been earning so much of recently. Two days later, he called me saying "mom, can I come home?". When I asked him why, he told me that he was uncomfortable with his brother, and he felt tempted. I was so grateful that he wanted to make the right choice, and told him yes, I wanted him home. Did I make the right choice that time? Maybe. Will I mess up again? Totally. Why did nobody tell me parenting was so hard!
  When I was younger, I thought I knew what was best. I did what I wanted, and made my own plans. Now I am older, I let go of my life. I accept and trust that my Father knows best for me. He will lead me where I can do the most good for Him, and He will provide for me when I follow (to places that are far beyond my comfort or ability). There is something wonderful about having to trust completely in my King.

Peace

So I am back and its been amazing so far. It honestly feels like I never left... and I love that. I got here, and the boys from our home came to get me from the airport. The next day, I went to the ladies program and helped Abby buy jewelry, and I went to street program too. It was so amazing seeing the boys there, who all remember me and were really happy I was back. They came in their filthy clothes, and I couldn't help thinking how much I love them, and how their grubby clothes just add to their charm. The boys at our home are doing so well, and they have been a joy. I have been going by in the afternoons to see them, and we mostly just play games or sit and talk. They are extra snugly too, because they have not been feeling well, so I got lots of hugs and cuddles :)

One of the most difficult things has been seeing some of the boys that were in our home, now living on the streets. Godfry ran away, and has been in street programs. He was so excited to see me, and was doing alright, but it breaks my heart to know where they are now, and that I cannot do anything for them. The other boy that I have seen is Davis- he is, I have to say, the only boy I know who does really well for himself on the streets. He is a very clever kid, and knows everyone worth knowing in the slums. He is also good with money... and Davis is above all else, exceptionally charming. Yesterday, when he came to programs, he was all charm and smiles. He looked so smart (or well dressed) and kept saying he was doing so well for himself. He told me the story of how he ran away, and it was clear to me that he is so full of anger, but there is no reason for it. He has nobody to blame for his troubles but himself. Under all that rage and charm however, was the broken kid I love. Before he left, I grabbed his head and made him look at me ( he was avoiding eye contact because he did not want me to see his hurting). I told him I loved him so much, no matter what. For just a second, he cracked. He told me he loved me too, and that he missed me so much. UGGHHHHH can you say heartbreak? Gosh, this 16 year old boy has the ability to shatter my heart like no guy ever could. That is the danger of working with street kids I guess, they are just so darn lovable, and also often so hard to help.

On Friday, at the ladies program, Abby shared a bible study from 1 Kings. Its the story of Elijah, when he goes onto the mountain to hear from God, and God comes in the whisper. But she focused a lot on the part that came before that... on the part when he is getting ready to go. When God tells him to go, Elijah burns all of his possessions for farming, and kills his livestock. Why? Because he knew that he had heard from God, and that he had to just GO and not think about it to much. He did not even give himself the opportunity to turn around. That is how I feel a lot these days... like God's voice has been so clear. That I know my direction, and there is no turning back from here. And the best part is that I am so ready, and my soul has so much peace.