On Skiing and Faith

If you know me, you’ll know that I love skiing. LOVE it. I love the feel of freezing air burning in my lungs. I love the icy wind on my nose, sitting on the lift, watching other people zooming down the perfectly groomed hill. I love the sheer exhilaration of racing wide open, coming around a corner and feeling the blades find the groove perfectly. Bending down, leaning into the mountain. Legs burning, heart pounding, I give every turn all I have. Over the years, I have spent countless blissful hours on the slopes with my dad. He is the best skier I know, and has taught me everything about the sport. I have worked on advancing many tiny details, that when put together, make me a “good skier”. But over all these years, there is one lesson that was harder to learn that the rest. Its something I see beginners struggle with over and over again. One of those things that easily shows skill level on the mountain.

See, when you find your feet racing out from under you on a mountain of snow, your instinct is to lean away from it. To lean back in your boots, because its scary. You don’t understand how to control movement yet, and so leaning forward and downhill seems like the worst idea. But in reality, its exactly what you need to do. Leaning back gives a false sensation of security. It makes you feel like you’re more in control, but leaning back is actually what is making you out of control. In order to master turning, you have to lean forward. Bend those knees, and lean down (my dad teaches this skill by making new skiers hold their poles with their knees bent). At first, its terrifying. It feels all wrong, but its right. And after a little practice, you quickly see that the further forward you bend, the more control you have.

In skimboarding, you throw your board over that perfect glassy inch of water left on the sand, following the wave back into the sea. When you jump on the board, you have to time it so that both feet land at the same time. You cannot hesitate, even though putting one foot on first seems better. If you don’t land with both feet, then one foot shoots in front of you with the board, and you end up on your butt in the sand (with a possibly hurt tailbone). When you’re swimming in the ocean, people get hurt in waves because they try and jump over them. When a wave is too big though, you have to dive under it. If you dive through/ under the wave, you’ll come out on the other side just fine. If you try and fight it, you’ll end up on the beach with sand up your nose. In all of these things, you have to commit. Bend forward, jump with both feet, dive.

Faith is like this. When God calls you to something, you cannot half commit, or it hurts. You have to go all the way. Jesus didn’t say “give half of what you have” he said “give all you have”. The call is not for the faint of heart, and it cannot be done without abandon. When things get hard, its often people’s instinct to turn away from God. But this is like skiing. When its hard, don’t lean back, lean in. Only by committing 100% will you make it. Don’t let that wave pummel you, dive!

Right now, its the holiday season. I won’t lie, I miss my family. I miss them a lot. But Uganda isn’t a “when it works for me” type of calling. Its a 100% kind of calling, and so that is what I have to give it. Sure, I can miss my family. I can be sad I am not with them, but I cannot dwell on it. Right now, I have to lean into my calling, and into Jesus. I have to give this my all, pouring more of myself out so I have more room for Jesus. Only by serving Him with everything I have will fill me up. So I am focusing on the good and beautiful things God has given me here, and thanking Him for all the blessing I have. These afflictions are eclipsed by glory, His glory. And that is a good thing :)

Alicia

You can read more about Alicia's life here

First, sorry to everyone that it has been SO LONG since I updated. I will try my best to be more consistent.

Its with a heavy heart that I write this post. On Nov 5th, I received news that a beautiful friend had ended her race here on Earth. Alicia Halpenny was a fellow missionary here in Uganda. I had the great privilege of serving along side her on several occasions, mentoring her in her first weeks in Uganda, and just enjoying her friendship. We were also linked by the men we each loved, who are best friends.

Alicia was incredible. She has Cystic Fibrosis, and was in constant pain for every breath that she took. This did not stop her at all from following God’s call to Uganda, or from bending down on her knees to serve Him and His orphans. She loved little children, and (being a nurse) had a heart for healing them. She loved people, and gave you all her focus while she was with you. She loved Jesus, and gave her life in service to Him. Alicia got really sick here in Uganda in October, and decided to go back to America for a little while so she could get better so that she could return to Uganda and continue serving Jesus. I was expecting to see her smiling face again in January, and it still feels like a blow that, this side of eternity, I never will.   There is so much I could say about her life, her perseverance, her faith, her laughter. But as much as her life impacted so many (so many!), her faith and love of Jesus has continued even in her death. Her legacy wasn’t just for remembrance of a life well lived, its a challenge, and it has challenged me in ways deeper than I thought were possible.

I first must admit that I am so far from perfect. I think that sometimes, people assume that because I am a missionary, my faith must be something special. That because I followed Jesus to Uganda, it makes me noble. That isn’t true. This work gets hard. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes my headaches are so painful I don’t want to get up anymore, or I feel like I don’t have anymore love to give out. There are days I want to quit. There are days I want to go back to America. I am selfish. I am weak. And in the past few months, I lost sight of my Father.

Its like if you see the most beautiful painting in the world , and you are captivated by it. Captivated by it, and in love with its beauty, and in awe of the artist. And somehow, someway, you are blessed enough to take that picture home, and you hang it in your living room. And for the first few months, maybe years, you admire it. But then it just becomes part of the room, and you forget what it felt like when you first saw it. When people come to your home, they say “wow, that is so beautiful! how amazing!” and you agree, but secretly inside you cannot remember that feeling of awe anymore. I am so ashamed to say that my life, my calling to Uganda, and my faith had become like that. I was SO honored, so blessed, so unworthy to be anointed to do this work. I was so passionately in love with my King that service to Him was like my breath, easy and essential. It was all consuming, all I wanted, and all I needed. And then I got lost, and the beauty faded.

Alicia’s death brought reality crashing down around me. Here I witnessed a servant who, at 23, literally gave her all for our Lord. And He was good to her, and her faith was a testament to His glory. And her death was a testimony to the cost of calling ourselves His servants. Nothing else matters but Him. Nothing but His glory, and that is the call. To bring Him glory while taking care of His sheep. At Alicia’s memorial (which was streamed live to Uganda) many people gave their lives over to Christ. I know that right now, she is with our Father. There is no more pain, and she is crowned in glory as His good and faithful servant.

                                     “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. 
                               Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. 
                                       Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, 
                          and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior”
                                                                                                - Oceans by Hillsong United

I love that song, Oceans. Its the first thing that I thought of when I heard she had been called home. I hate that her death is what it took to bring my faith and calling back into focus. But I am so grateful that death on the cross is our final hope, and the ultimate price. If I could say one more thing to Alicia, I would want her to know that even in death she brought glory to our King. Someday, I will tell her that. For today, I will focus on the only thing that matters. If it was all stripped away. If this calling costs me a life of pain from my migraines, if it cost me my family, if it costs me my friends in America, if it costs me my finances, if it costs me my very life... will I still consider it an honor to serve my King, and to have paid whatever price I had to so I could to do it? If it cost me everything, would Jesus be enough?


Yes.

MIGRAINE: DAY 12

Okay so always, my headaches have been a bummer. For those of you reading this that don’t know, I have a nerve condition called Occipital Neuralgia, which causes me to have a moderate headache 80% of the time, and a horrible migraine the other 20%. Since I was 16, this “thorn in my side” has followed me, but I deal. What else can I do right? I told God a long time ago that if His plan was not to heal me (which, so far, it has not been) then I would do my best to honor Him with my life anyways. If I am going to have a headache, I may as well persevere in serving the Lord, instead of letting Satan waste my days with pain.

But now I am (roughly) going on 2 weeks of this particular migraine. I don’t know why it started, or what caused it. I just woke up one morning with a throbbing head, and it hasn’t broken since then. And yes, I mean the whole 9 yards: sensitivity to light and sound-sick to my stomach-cannot sleep-exhausted from the pain- kind of migraine. For the first few days, I just slept, praying the headache would break and I would feel better. On day 5, when that hadn’t happened, I got out of bed. Since then, my days have been a blur of discomfort and exhaustion (physical and emotional). I need God to intervene here... I need a break.

This feels different because for the first time I am responsible for other people as well. That makes resting harder, because I am a mom. My headache makes me tired, and irritable, and I am having trouble giving my kids the love and attention they need from me. And I feel super guilty, and sad, and frustrated for needing so much rest. I don’t blame God for this at all, and am not angry at Him for allowing me to walk in this place. But I do need Him, and pretty desperately. I need this pain to go away, and I need prayer. If you can find it in your day to say a little prayer for me, for my headache and my energy, please do. That God will take this pain away, and that  until He does, He will give me the grace I need to parent these children in a way that honors Him.

I have walked in this place many, many times before. Its not new, but its still not easy. But God never leaves my side, and He will always be my strength, especially when I have none.

The Big Brick Wall

So I wasn't wanting to post today, but a wise mentor suggested I let all of you in on how I am feeling at this particular moment, because sometimes the truth is what needs to be told. And we need prayer, because we cannot move forward without it. This week I have felt pretty discouraged. Partially this is because I have had a horrible migraine for the past 5 days, and am just physically exhausted from being in so much pain. Also because of this, I am emotionally worn down. I feel like we (Joseph's House) has come to a stuck place with our kids. A place where we need a Divine breakthrough, because I feel like I am beating my fists against a massive brick wall that cannot be broken.

Today, I woke up at 7AM to hysterical screaming from the living room. This was being caused by two of our boys * Michael and *Brian (*I am changing their names for privacy). These two boys have been fighting ALL THE TIME recently, and today was the last straw. Michael had injured Brian so badly we had to take him to the clinic (think Mike Tyson...).  Michael was then so upset because he had a punishment for fighting that he proceeded to threaten to break down all the windows and hurt everyone in the house for the next two hours. He eventually cried himself to sleep, and things became somewhat peaceful again, but by this time it was 10AM, and the morning had been so upset that we had significant trouble getting the other boys to settle down and get back to their homeschooling. Just another normal day right?

See, it feels like these kind of days are increasing recently instead of decreasing. Like these fights are getting more frequent. We are having other problems with another two boys who are mostly refusing to go to school. They make it through a little while, then quit about mid-morning. I feel really stuck as to what discipline can make them choose to study, because no matter what we do, the effects are not long lasting. This heart change (wanting to try, and to study) is not happening, and it needs to. And its days like today that make me feel like I am loosing this war. Like on the surface, we are making improvements, and we are. Some of our boys are doing amazing, seriously miraculously well. And I see God changing their hearts, and their lives. And I am so thankful! Little things like the fact that Brian has started making his bed every morning without being asked (small as that seems) is huge. He was on the streets for 7 years, and teaching him this simple responsibility is an incredible accomplishment. But on other, bigger things, there are days I feel like we have made no progress at all, and it breaks me down.

And so I am beating against this wall, and its so stupid. My fists cannot win against this wave of evil, against the corruption that has broken these children. All my love and wisdom and discipline will never be enough. This battle, the fight to heal these boys and give them back their childhoods, is a fight beyond me. Its a spiritual battle that God is fighting harder than I can even imagine. He is on our side, fighting for His children. He will break down this brick wall, and bring us all past it. And so its to Him that I cling, His promise to take care of me and these boys.

I will say to the Lord "You are my place of safety and my protection. You are my God, and I trust you"- Psalm 91:2

Lessons in Love

There was a time when I thought I knew a lot about love. Believed I knew what it felt like to love someone in a selfless way, or even to be in love. The thing I have been learning though, over the past few months, is that love is always expanding, never staying in one place. This, I think, is because God’s love is so infinite and big that no matter how much we think we understand, in our humanness, we only see/feel/ know a fraction of His all encompassing love. And so the more we experience God, and His Divine love, the more our understanding of love itself grows. There will never be a time when I know all things about love, because God is love. Its a mystery, and my understanding of it will always be pushed, stretched, even broken and then rebuilt. This is the verse that is currently shaping my understanding of love...

      “  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,                                      endures all things.” 1 Cor 13:7

What is this verse ultimately saying about love? What so many millions of poems and love songs, movies and art have been proclaiming for thousands of years! Love is NOT overrated. It is both simple, and extremely complex. It is at the core of our being, our creation. It is the thing we are made to experience, and the most powerful aspect of human interactions. Love is profound. Love is grand. Love IS divine.

Love tells me that I am to “bear all things”. When my kids are pushing me to the brink of exhaustion and back, I will bear it. When they are breaking my heart with running away, I will bear it. No matter what God calls me to do, what this ministry goes through, what battles are waged against us, I will bear it.

Love claims I will “believe all things”. When everyone tells me a certain child will never change, love believes he can. When this work tests my faith, draws me out on a wire far above where I was comfortable standing, love shouts “believe in God’s ultimate power!”. Believe in the power of love... God’s love, and my own. Believe that love can heal whatever looks too far broken. Believe that love can bring together what seems impossible. Believe in the power of our God.

Love demands that I hope all things- never loose hope. Never loose sight of what I am doing here, the vision that God has called me towards. Never loose hope in His great plans, or hope in His ultimate victory. Never loose hope that He is working, no matter what circumstances I am facing, or how hard the situation appears.

Finally friends, love endures all things.

en·dur·ance 
/enˈd(y)o͝orəns/

NOUN

1. The fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way.
2. The capacity of something to last or to withstand wear and tear.

This, for me, is by far the most powerful claim that love makes. It endures all things! That word, endures, is so strong. Its the power to “withstand wear and tear”. Its the power to stay strong and not give way. This claim love makes, to endure all things (not some but all things, mind you) its powerful. Hello, what does this say about love? What we should know always but sometimes forget.. love is STRONG. Stronger than our understanding. Stronger than our own faith or bodies. Love is another great paradox. It makes us weaker than anything else, breaks our hearts and tests our faith, then turns around to endures more than anything else. It can do so because its so strong, and in our weakness, we become stronger.

Amen

Wow... its been a long time! Sorry everyone; sometimes life just gets in the way of blogging. This has been a roller coaster of a summer (I still cannot believe its July. It still feels like May!!).

First, its our “team season” which means  that we have been hosting a lot of great groups from America. These groups are the backbone of our ministry as far as giving goes. They are the ones that spread word of what we are doing after they get back to the USA. The team that is here at the moment has been a special blessing (both to the ministry and to me personally). They are SO flexible and have been serving with us in any way they can. They are also just super fun to be around, and a few of them have become good friends. I am really thankful that God is using them in such big ways to bless us this month (thanks team!).

Second, more importantly, we have two new additions to our family! I don’t know where I last left off, but (really sadly) Joseph and Waswa ran away about a month ago. After a lot of heartbreak and prayer, I came to the decision that they were just not ready to be in Joseph’s House. You can continue to pray for them, as they are still very precious in my heart and I refuse to give up on them. After they left, we spent about a month with just three boys (Alex, Sabote and Enoch). That time was spent really settling those boys- making sure they were completely stable and secure in the home. Last week, I decided that they were finally ready to bring other boys home.

On Saturday last week, we brought home Joshua and Robert. These two boys are best friends and have been in our programs for the past two years. They are both super sweet, but wild. But they are good kids who have hearts that want to please. I had been praying hard about who to bring home next, and I really felt like out of all the kids I knew, these two fit the criteria for J House the best. They had been rejected from other homes. They had been on the streets a long time. They are misunderstood, wild, and totally irresistible. I felt God place them on my heart, but wanted to watch them carefully to make sure I had listened for His word correctly. Finally, I felt God telling me it was time.

Like always, when the moment came to bring them home, I felt worried. What if they disrupted the stability of our house? What if they run away? What if they cause fighting or hurt the other boys? What if we (or I) just cannot handle them?? I am supposed to be their mother, and that love has to be bigger than all things. It has to come from God, because I am not perfect and neither is my love. But God’s love is perfect, and so it is only through Him that I can do this. Still, there is always that moment when I worry that God is not with me in this- maybe I am alone. Fortunately, God knows my heart. He knows my worries, and He knows who belongs in our home. It became obvious almost instantly after getting Robert and Joshua home that they were meant to be part of our family. Turns out that Enoch and Joshua are really good friends, and that Joshua is a great influence on Enoch (having Joshua around has really helped Enoch’s behavior). Robert is friends with everyone, and has been an all around joy to have. But beyond that, they are truly amazing boys.

Robert is so happy all the time. He brings a lighthearted joy to our home that is uniquely his. He is a very giving friend, and though he has trouble concentrating, he really does listen well. He is also very smart, and has been an encouragement to the other boys in their school work. He is always helping them with their homework, showing them correct spellings and helping them answer math problems. He LOVES being read to, and has been bringing us closer as a group by insisting on “family reading” each night after devotions (this consists of me reading a story to the boys with Sam or Eddy translating).

Joshua is incredible too. I don’t know how we missed it at the programs, really I don’t. To be honest, when I first met Joshua I had insisted in my heart that he should NEVER be in one of our homes. He had poor boundaries and was really wild, and I felt very strongly that he would be a bad influence on the kids. Even when starting Joseph’s House I didn’t consider him. But God saw Joshua in ways I didn’t, and He opened my eyes. Joshua is the sweetest boy in our house (maybe besides Sabote). He helps set the table and clean the dishes every night (even when its not his turn). He leads in devotions. He kneels for me when I get home in the evenings (this is a cultural sign of respect, and is considered good manners. He is my only boy to do this consistently and without being asked). He never fights, always respects, always listens. Yes, he gets a little carried away with playing or being silly sometimes, but if you really tell him to do something, it is his hearts desire to please you.

On top of all that, the boys together are just fun to be with. Like I said, they both bring a certain joy to the house. They have brought the other boys tighter as a group, not torn them or divided them. They have a positive influence on the other boys. I am so thankful that God revealed His heart for these boys to me. I am so blessed that He has entrusted them (really all my boys) to my care. I do not deserve to be the mother of such wonderful kids.

When doing this work, you experience God’s extremes. His deep and grieving heartbreak for the broken things. His power and majesty through healing and miracles. His overwhelming and totally engulfing love for His children. I am thankful for this work. For the burden of heartbreak for God’s children. For the power of His love, which He has opened my eyes to see. And for Him, because above all things, God is beautiful, and everything beautiful reflects God.

For You be the Kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and   ever. Amen.

5 Weeks

Five weeks ago, I had a dream but no children. Five weeks ago, I thought I knew what being a parent looked like. Five weeks ago, I was hopeful that things would work out, but not sure what any of this would look like. Five weeks ago today, my life flipped upside down, and changed forever. Its been five long, hard, and extremely rewarding weeks since we opened Joseph's House. I would first like to say that this is SO much harder than I thought it would be. I don’t think it hit me until I had them home, but essentially I just adopted 5 extremely special needs boys. Like, the stories you hear about people who adopted from Russia and found out their kids had all kinds of neglect related special needs? Well that is basically all of my children, only I knew that when I brought them. Raising them takes every ounce of creative energy I have. It takes all my wisdom and patience, and to be honest I am exhausted. But I see so many incredible changes already, and its only been five weeks!

Sabote would not stop fighting when he got here. All he did was sleep and fight, sleep and fight. He still fights, but not nearly as much. He loves school, and studies really hard every day. His English is still really broken, but we are finding out that he has much better cognitive skills than we expected. And he is kind, really truly kindhearted. Behind all that fighting is a boy who cried for Waswa when he ran away, and tied Enoch’s shoes for him after swimming, because Enoch was to sick. Is a boy who has natural instincts to protect first, to protect me. A few days ago, I was sick, and Sabote sat outside my room with a stick, swatting at anyone who tried to knock on my door (he wanted me to sleep). Sabote has a beautiful heart, and every day that he is here I get to see more of it.

Joseph is our peacemaker. He never fights, and keeps his cool when everyone else is in chaos. He is so sweet, and a really good friend. Whenever someone is upset, its always Joseph who tries to comfort him. This is especially true of Waswa, who has problems with almost everyone else. But Joseph never fights with Waswa, and he is always the first to trie and give words of comfort. The last time Waswa had a meltdown, Joseph ran outside saying “where is my Waswa? I have to comfort my Waswa!”. Joseph is also my silly one :) He is super ticklish and giggly, and genuinely loves to play. And yes, he can be defiant. And he is the one having the hardest time leaving drugs behind. Last time he ran away to Kisenyi for drugs, I went with Sam to get him. We were looking in all the little alleys and hiding holes the boys stay in, and I spotted him. He was in this alley, with a bunch of other boys, holding his chenge. He looked so sad, and broken, all dirty like that. And when I saw him, my heart flooded with love. All I could see was him (I seriously don’t remember what other boys he was with, though I remember I knew them from programs) and I thought “that one belongs at home”. And he does! He is stilling next to me right now, watching “Space Buddies”, and watching me type. I know he belongs here, and am so glad that God reveled Joseph to me!

Enoch is my challenge, but he is so cute it makes up for it. Oh goodness, that boy is cute!  But he has been through more than his share of hardship in his life, and is broken because of it. He constantly wants attention, but cannot handle it when he has it. He is still trying to decide if he can trust being here, and therefore is trying to manipulate and push our staff to their limits. But its okay, we were ready for this. On the other hand, Enoch is used to being in the Bombo homes, so he is used to the house schedule and the way we run things. And he makes me laugh, much as I try and be serious with him. Last night, he was awake when he was supposed to be in bed, and he was talking to me through my door. I told him to go to bed, but instead (in a super deep and gravely voice that I didn’t know he was capable of making) he said “no, aunt Cait this is not Enoch, this is a kidnapper! But, I cannot break your lock, so you just be afraid inside your room!!!”. Honestly, you have to know Enoch to see why this is to funny, but he is this tiny little guy. Hearing him make this “scary” voice was just too funny! I did pull it together, and sent him to bed, but its that kind of defiance (when he thinks he is so sneaky) that I adore. I know God is going to heal Enoch, and that His plan for Enoch is to be here, in the API homes, safe and loved.

Waswa is doing really well too. Oh Waswa, precious kid! He has a lot of challenges, everything from school work to paying attention in devotions. He is easily aggravated, and has daily “meltdowns” which can last 5 min or 3 hours, depending on his overall mood. Still, at the beginning, these meltdowns always lasted hours and hours, and they happened every day. Now, they don’t happen every day, and when they do we can almost always correct things before they get out of control. We are getting better at predicting his behavior, and I am learning how to help him through the tough times. Though he doesn’t like it, he needs physical tough when he is super upset. I have bruises from the last time he was upset, but it was totally worth it because it helped him calm down. Waswa is a beautiful, creative and happy child. Yes, he has tough moments, but God is already healing his heart. I know that, over time, Waswa will settle. He is the perfect example of what Joseph’s House is all about. There is no way, with all his struggles, Waswa would ever have been loved or stay in any other home. With all his years on the streets, nobody ever even approached him to be in another home. Everyone saw him, and his behavior, and stayed away. What a shame, because they were missing the beautiful boy that he is!

Alex is the most amazing transformation. I hoped he would be, but to be honest I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure bringing him home was a good idea, not until the day I actually did it. I was afraid he would just use it to misbehave more, and I would be wasting a spot on a boy who didn’t really want it. I praise God that I listened to Him, and not my own fears, because what a mistake that would have been! Alex is a natural leader, but that can be a really good thing. He loves helping the other boys, talking with them, helping them make “good choices”. He is so so helpful, and really wants to please. I have always believed with Alex the old saying about children that ‘children want to be good, you just have to provide a way for them to do it’. Alex loves being good, he loves helping and has a protective and nurturing heart. All those years on the streets caused a lot of damage, there is no doubt about that. But that childlike wonder and kindness is not gone from him, and its being repaired every day. Right now, Alex is outside building a rabbit hutch. He wanted to be the one to build it, and I let him because he has a genuine love of creating things (a few days ago, he made me a clay heart out of mud in the backyard). He loves taking care of things, and people. And he calls me mom :) He is precious beyond words, and though it will take a lot of time and work, I believe there is a heart of gold under all that damage. I know God is going to use him to do great (and good) things!

There is something new every day with my boys. Its a battle, an ongoing one with the enemy. The evil one loves to tempt them, draw them back to the street life, because its comfortable and known. The unknown is a future in this home, and that is scary for the boys- I understand that. So every day I fight to win back a small part of their hearts. Little by little, we find the broken parts and give them up to Jesus, who puts them back together. Right now the parts that are broken still outnumber what is healed, and that broken part often wins out. But it wont always be like that; someday, the healed and new parts will be more, and the boys will struggle less and less with the damage that they suffered. There will always be a part of these boys (like all of us) that struggles, and we will never know this side of Heaven how far they truly come. But I am confident that God will complete a great work in them, and so for now, I will fight for them. Struggle with them every day, to win back those tiny little pieces.

Photos

If you have Facebook, you've already seen them. But I wanted to share pictures from the first few weeks of our house, as well as from my mom's visit (which was amazing). Hope you enjoy :)

Click here to view the album!

Enoch Prayers Answered :)

So I posted awhile ago about Enoch, who is one of our precious boys. You an read about Enoch and our prayers for him here , but long story short I knew he was supposed to be in our home, but couldn’t find him. I was so afraid that something really bad had happened to him, because we could NOT find him. We looked, and searched, and asked and came up empty. The 5th spot in my home was “saved” for him, in the hope that he would be found. But after a month and a half of desperately looking, things weren’t looking good.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in my room at about 9pm when Enoch’s face flashed in my mind. I got chills all over, and knew immediately that I should pray for him. I called Abby, and together we prayed for Enoch. We prayed that God would deliver him, and bring him home, and keep him safe. After that prayer, we looked again (or redoubled our efforts) to find Enoch. When we again had no results, to be honest, I gave up. I concluded that God wanted us to pray for Enoch in that moment, not so much to save him as to commit his spirit to the Lord. I decided, full of heartbreak, that my 5th spot was for another boy. I began to pray over a few kids I thought could maybe fill the spot, but had no peace.

Then, on Friday at programs, one of the boys said he knew where Enoch was staying. Now, every time we looked, the boys claimed to know where Enoch was. So I didn’t have much hope, but “leave no stone unturned” right? So one of our uncles went with this boy, and tried confirm the story. At the time, I was at dinner with friends and my mom. I was having a great time, and when Ronald called me, I assumed he was calling to confirm that Enoch was (again) not found. Instead I picked up my phone and heard an excited voice saying “Cait, I have him!” Still not fully believing, I asked the uncle to confirm a few things that only Enoch would know. After he did, I felt a flood of hope and joy fill my heart. I asked to speak to Enoch, and he got on the phone and I heard one of the most beautiful little voices say “hello auntie Cait, how are you?”. I still tear up thinking about it.

I really, fully, truly believed he was gone. My human heart had all but given up hope. I could not find him, and so I wrongly believed that he was lost from God too. Having Enoch home has been wonderful, and hard too. He is one of our most challenging children (even in Joseph’s House). He is wonderful beyond words, but also very broken. It will take a lot of time and healing for God to fix all the brokenness these boys have, but He can do it.

This week we have had the “running flu” in our house. Running away, for these boys, catches like a flu. They see the other boys going, and remember life on the streets and drugs and they also want to go. When things are hard, they build up street life in their minds (yesterday one of the boys told me “when I am on the streets I eat chicken dinner every night” which is SO not true. That is a very special meal, and they are lucky to get any food at all). Anyways, this week, though Enoch has been home, virtually every boy has run away at some point. Praise Jesus, at the moment, they are all home. But its not easy, and I never know what tomorrow will bring. Each day is new and challenging, and its never the same. But one thing that bringing Enoch home reminded me is how MIGHTY and powerful God really is. He is big enough for all of this, all my problems and fears. They are really never to big for Him, and so I have nothing to worry about. Along those lines, just being His daughter, knowing I am invited and chosen to be in His presence every day, is enough for me. I am filled and loved and He really is enough. And even if He didn’t choose to love me back, He is so good and wonderful and powerful that it doesn’t matter. He is the Lord of Lords, and therefore I should give Him my all every second of every day. But how perfect is the Lord, because He does love us. He knew that we would need to be filled by His love if we were to serve Him faithfully, and so Jesus made it possible.

I think my point is that I have been humbled this week, and reminded that I am nothing compared to Him. And He has taken my fears away, by also reminding me that He is everything and so I can trust Him wholeheartedly.

Mom Visits/ Q&A

So this week has been extra special. My mom is in Uganda, and it has been a joy and blessing to show her my life here. I know its hard for her at times, and my life is anything but “normal” by any American standards. But its mine, and showing it to her means the world to me. That she can put faces and images to places and people I have talked about the past few years is incredible. And she can meet my kids, and see my home (it still freaks me out sometimes, that I have a children’s home!). My mom is the best mother I know, and I love her so much. I learned everything I know about being a good mom from her, and though I practice it in a VERY different context, I still use it every day. I am so blessed and happy to have her here (for Mothers Day!!), and I cannot say how much it means to me that she would brave the journey. That is truly love :)

On another note, we are putting together files for my kids (their API official files). Its just to keep records, and also to gather information about them. We had to ask a lot of hard, personal questions about their back stories. In addition, we collect “random” info to send to their sponsors in America as well as just to get to know them. I wanted to post some of my boys sweet/funny answers. I love my kids!

What is your favorite animal and why?

Joseph: A pig because it is so sweet (not sure if he is referring to the personality of a pig, or how it tastes. I am guessing the second...)

Sabote: An elephant because it looks good to me, and is pleasant.

Alex: A lion because it has a lot of strength. I want to have a lion heart.

Waswa: A cow. I like rearing cows because they are of importance since you get milk out of them.

How would you describe yourself?

Alex: I love people, especially those who take me for who I am. I also love adventure.

Waswa: I am respectful and compassionate, loving God’s people and His word.

What is special about Joseph’s House?

Alex: Because I have a big, loving and caring family.

Waswa: The home looks beautiful and special, and we can even help more street kids who are on the streets.

What have you learned about God recently?

Joseph: That when you pray, he answers prayers. I prayed to get a home to stay in and He gave me my request. I also prayed that I would go back to school and now we have a teacher who teaches us from home.

Alex: God is so good, loving and cares for those in need. He never forgets his own people since I have been on the streets for 7 years, even going in many homes until finally it seems I like He has got for me a perfect home where I fit.

Waswa: God does wonders because He has enabled me to come to a home, helping me out of the various temptations street kids encounter on the streets.

How can people pray for you?

Joseph: Pray that I study well, and that I will be good to the people in charge of me at home.

Sabote: That I keep studying well, and get a chance to build my own church and become a pastor when I grow up.

Alex: That I grow up in the fear of God. And that I get all the promises that He says He will give me (this is a theme we have been learning about in devotions each night, inspired by the story of Joseph in the Bible).

Waswa: That our house will be blessed, I always think a lot about where I have been, so pray for me that the devil will not pull me back to his tricks which leads to destruction.

Healing

So I had no intention of posting about this, but I wanted to get my thoughts out there.

Today, May 4th, was supposed to be my wedding day. For three months I dreamt of this day constantly. I imagined the guests, and my family in Uganda. I loved my dress, and pictured the way I would do my hair. Most of all, I was in love. I was thrilled and excited to begin my “forever after” with the man I believed God had planned for me.  I knew it would be work, but it was worth it. Our kids would stand be standing up with us, part of our wedding party. The day before I returned to Uganda, I was singing in my room, packing. My sister came in and said “you are definitely a bride; you’re glowing!” because I was so happy at the idea of being back with my fiancé. I thought we belonged together.

Today looks very different than I thought it would. There is no white dress. No guests or children or celebration. There is no groom waiting for me. As if a glass ball being dropped, these dreams have been shattered. But I am still here.

Right now I am sitting on the veranda of my house. The sun is sinking lower in the sky, and its beautiful. Instead of getting ready to depart with my new husband, I am waiting for my children to get home from playing football. We will have dinner together, do devotions, and then I will tuck them into bed one by one. This is a different kind of dream, but one I had prayed over just as faithfully. I am content. I am soaking in every moment of this new family, enjoying each day as it comes. Not yearning for the future, but peaceful in this life God has given me.

I do not understand why God has chosen the things He has for my life. And today, I cannot hope for tomorrow. I don’t think I am brave enough to love again, but someday maybe I will be. I don’t know His plans for me, but I know I love Him. I know that I have so many blessings, and I know that God is beautiful. I have amazing boys here, and they are home for good. I have friends and family that love me. I work with a wonderful ministry, and am sure of my calling. I am blessed.

Though my heart hurts, and is still broken, God is my comfort.
Though I will walk away with 'scars' of a kind, I will heal.
My cup is full, and overflowing.
I am grateful.

Ebb and Flow of Chaos

So, for all my excitement at having Musa home, its been a roller coaster of a few days. Friday Musa came home, and it was a great day. Saturday, not so much. Not 24 hours into his being home, Musa started to convince Sabote to run away back to Kisenyi. He threw out offers of drugs, easy money, and chicken dinner (don’t know who was going to buy them that, but he was sure they could find someone) at Sabote. This was especially hard to watch because Sabote really didn’t want to go. He resisted for several hours, telling Musa “this is our home now, and I don’t want to go”. He even sat with me, not 30 min before they left, holding my hand and telling me “I love you and this home. I am not leaving”. Eventually Musa left on his own, but then proceeded to shout at Sabote through the gate for another hour. This was finally too much for Sabote, and he joined Musa in running away. That evening on the phone, I told Abby “well, Musa and Sabote are gone, but at least Waswa is doing really well” (Waswa has been struggling with tantrums when he is upset). That was our Saturday...

Early this morning (Sunday), like at 6AM, I heard the boys shouting and yelling. Who was out the gate wanting to come in? Sure enough, Sabote and Musa had spent one night on the streets, and decided it was not worth it at all. Sabote was in tears, apologizing and begging to come back in, and after hearing both boys apologize, we let them come home. After all the boys were back inside, they got ready for church. We decided to try the Anglican church across the street. A few min into the service, all the boys except Joseph fell asleep. They were dismissed for Sunday school, and most of them decided to go home and sleep instead. Not okay...

Shortly after church, I was in my room when I heard shouting from the living room. Alex had gotten in a fight with Waswa, and Waswa (sweet soul that he is) was very, very upset. When he cries over things like this, he is actually expressing deeper heart wounds; things which are still unknown to me. Watching Waswa sob over this pain, so deep inside, I realized my complete and total helplessness in the situation. And it broke my heart. Now, I attend Calvary Chapel in Kampala, and I was wanting to catch the last sermon of the morning. When the fight broke out, I was preparing to leave. Now, crying under my sunglasses, I asked Sam what we should do about it all. He told me that we had done what we could, and that going to my own church would be good for me. On the way out the gate, I found Waswa sobbing still, and invited him to go with me. Waswa has been doing really well this week. He is not picking fights, and he has offered to do the dishes at every meal as well as thank Harriet. He has also been great at participating in devotions each night. I wanted to reward his good behavior, and so he came with me. On the boda into town, he leaned his head back to tell me “mom, I love you”.

In church, I cried most of the service. I cried for all the hurts I cannot heal. I cried for the feeling of complete powerlessness. I cried for the endless battles that it has taken and will take to love and raise these boys. I cried for the challenge, and the calling, and the task. There was a verse in one of the songs that said ‘His path is narrow, but His burden light’. Can I be honest? I don’t feel like this burden is very light. Worth it, yes 100%. But light? I feel like the call is hard, and I chose to answer it because I love Jesus and these boys. But sometimes, it is so much. And I know He is with me always, and I trust that my faith will produce good works, and that He will bless my efforts. But I am not enough for this, and today as Waswa was screaming and crying, I was the one holding him. One of those empty moments, where I wish the arms of my Father were real around me, His voice audible with advice or encouragement. His promise to overcome these hardships clear in my ears as well as my heart.

At the close of service, the band played ‘Revelation Song’, which is my favorite worship song. The main chorus goes Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God, Almighty/ Who was and is, and is to come/ With all Creation I sing, praise to the King of Kings/ You are my everything/ and I will adore you.

I will adore You when it hurts
I will adore You when I cannot see further than my own weakness.
I will adore You when I cannot feel You.
I will adore You when I feel I am drowning in this calling.
I will adore You when things are good, and I see Your fingerprints on everything.
I will adore You when You bless these boys, and the work of my hands.
I will adore You in the joy, and the sorrow.
I will adore You. I will adore You. I will adore You.


Loving Christ is a daily choice. Loving these boys is an hourly one. I will choose this until God fulfills His promises to me (that I can do this work, through Him who gives me strength). And when He does, I will have new strength to choose Him again.

Beautiful paradox.

A Growing Group: Welcome Musa

So I had wanted to bring a really wonderful boy named Musa into our home. It was a decision I made shortly after I returned to Uganda. The reason I began to really look at Musa was because he and Sabote are like brothers. They have been surviving on the streets together for many many years, and if Sabote came home and Musa was left, it would cause both of them more trauma. I also really love Musa; he is super sweet, but really funny. He is just like the rest of the boys in Kisenyi (doing lots of drugs, fighting, dirty and picking scrap). He is also really tall for his age, and for that reason we think he may actually be Sudanese or Kenyan.

The reason Musa didn’t come home on Monday was because he has been missing for a few weeks (around a month actually). The rumor from all the other kids was that he had been picked up by his father, and taken to his father’s home in Jinja. All the boys thought this was the case, and so I also believed that Musa had been reunited with his family and was safe in his own home. If a boy can be resettled, he does not belong in our API homes, and so Musa was off the list. Yesterday afternoon I got a call from Amy, telling me that Musa was in the clinic in Kivulu. Turns out he had not been in Jinja with his family, but instead had been arrested and taken to the remand homes here for street kids. Early yesterday, he was able to return to Kampala, and immediately began looking for Sabote. When he heard that Sabote had been taken into a home, he came to the clinic looking for me, wanting to know when (yes when, not if) he was coming home too :)

I was super excited to see Musa, and know for sure that he is supposed to be in our home. Yesterday after I met him, we got lunch, and then Eddy took him to buy new clothes. I returned home to wait. When Musa walked through the gate, Sabote was sleeping. All the other boys started shouting “Musa you’ve come home!” and Sabote woke up with a jolt and came running to hug and greet his best friend. They were both all smiles as Sabote showed Musa around the house, all the toys and clothes. As I said, Musa is already super tall. His “stunted street growth” is well above the normal child. He is also probably around 14, and therefore has been thoroughly enjoying all the food he is getting. He is currently napping while the other boys watch a movie. He is very happy to be here, and is doing remarkably well. He is happy, and contented, and well behaved.  With Musa here, our family is one step closer to being completed.

The Start of Things

First and foremost, I promise pictures are coming very soon!

Okay so I had hoped that when I wrote my first blog post after we opened, I would be sitting with my kids, watching them play. I am pleased to report that as I write this, that is exactly what I am doing. I am sitting on our sunny porch, at our peaceful house, watching all my kids play Leggos together. I am listening to them chatter with each other, and make silly comments to me. They are playing and laughing and joking, and I am in awe that God got us here.

On Monday morning, we gathered our four boys (Joseph, Alex, Sabote and Waswa) at the clinic in Kivulu. They came running through the gate, not totally knowing what was happening, but very excited because we had told them we had a “very, very special program” that day. Me, Sam and Eddy (my house uncles) gathered them outside, and told them we loved them. We told them we know they have suffered a lot, and that we wanted them off the streets and so did Jesus. We told them that we had a home we wanted them to come to, and asked if they wanted to come. All of them were really excited, and wanted to come, except for Sabote. He was really afraid, and I honestly didn’t think he would come. I could feel my heart breaking as he sat with me, holding my hand, but telling me he couldn’t trust that our home would be good. He has been hurt in homes before, and he was afraid it would be a bad home but that he would be forced to stay there if we were abusing him. After talking to him about it for a long time, he agreed to come to the house “just to see it” and then if he disliked it, we promised him he could return to Kisenyi. It was a tense morning for me, because I truly didn’t think he would stay but I really wanted him to. Thanks to the prayers of many people, he is still here now, currently sitting in the living room watching a movie.

So the boys went and got new clothes (really sweet sneakers and jeans), and then lunch. After they were stuffed full, we took bodas to the house. They came racing in, looking at their new rooms, and checking our their clothes and beds. They also had a blast looking over the bookshelf, and checking out their new toys (by the way, the Leggos/ blocks are a HUGE hit- they love them). They also got to Skype with my  mom, who is coming to visit in two weeks, which was super exciting because they were all wanting to meet their new Jajja (grandma). They had fun playing and exploring, and by the evening they were exhausted (Sabote and Waswa promptly fell asleep when they settled down). They had enough energy to eat dinner again, and everyone wanted to bathe again, but then it was bedtime. By the end of the day, I was exhausted beyond words, but so thankful. I couldn’t believe that everyone had stayed, even Sabote.

The rest of this week is flying by. Tomorrow, Amy is taking them swimming in the afternoon, which is very exciting for the boys. I have so much to report on, but there is no “organized” way to share all the thoughts racing around in my mind. So instead I am just going to share a short list of things I want everyone to know about :)

UPDATES
* We had a welcome home party for the boys yesterday. We invited ALL of the staff who has ever worked with them, and it ended up being over 20 people! They played games, had great food and cake, danced and listened to fun music that Uncle Abdul brought. Everyone got to see the house, and it meant a lot to the boys that they were not forgotten. People encouraged them, and prayed for them. I think it made all the boys realize that this was the beginning, not the end. Everyone is still invested in them, and they have so much love and support. It was a really encouraging time :)

* While watching movies this week, I have been able to see a lot of dancing. Every time a song comes on, Waswa jumps up and starts dancing to the music in the movie. He is not a wonderful dancer, but he loves it! Today, watching him dance to Garfield was pretty hilarious.

* When we first got home, Alex was playing cards with me. He started talking about what he wanted to be when he grows up. He first told me “I shouldn’t tell you... you wont like it”. After some prompting, he finally admitted that he has always wanted to be the commander of a rebel army (as in a rebel war lord). After a few hours though, he had discovered the amazing joy of building with the Leggos. In the evening of the first night, after showing me the new helicopter he built, he said “I think now I want to be an engineer, not a rebel. Building is really fun!”. Just wanted to share that God is using toys to change hearts, even within the first few hours. God is amazing.

* Joseph, our youngest little guy who is around 10, is the sweetest thing ever. He is just a little kid, in every way. Yes, he has loads of trauma and did a lot of drugs on the streets, but he is a sweet little boy. He has been enjoying the toys and football in the yard. He loves trying on his new clothes again and again, and looks adorable in the little “Hang Loose, Maui” shirt I got him. He loves dancing too, and is a really good dancer. He loves playing with the little animal toys that the boys got. The boys call him the Prince of Slums, because apparently Joseph is from the royal family here. His last name is the same as the King of Buganda. Personally, for some reason, I find this really sad. I mean, he is actually part of the royal family here! I don’t know how distant that is, though I am sure its pretty distant, but still. Part of my heart just breaks knowing that his own family sits on the throne of Uganda, while Joseph was (as the boys say) Prince of Kisenyi. But all I keep thinking as I watch him playing is “its their loss”. How could you throw this child out? He is SO precious. How could you not want him? He is a prince, he shares the inheritance of the Kingdom of God. He belongs home with me, and its their loss.

*Please continue to pray for Enoch. We could not find him, and I am starting to loose hope to be honest. I don’t know where to go next, or what do to. He is lost, and only God can find him. At this point, my prayer is that God would be with Enoch, and bring him home (in whatever way that happens to look like, because I don’t want Enoch to be suffering and alone).

*I just wanted to share what it feels like to be called mom for the first time. Um, amazing, and overwhelming, but so joyful. On the first evening, the boys were already calling me momma Cait. By today, they are referring to me as their “mama wange” which is a more direct term of mom (you have to understand the Luganda, but its the difference between calling me a mom, to calling me their mom). Even Alex is calling me mom. He tried it out in play several dozen times on the first day, shouting “mom!” in play, just to see if I would answer to him. When I did, he finally settled into just calling me mom (though not in front of anyone else, because at the party he called me auntie Cait again :)

Lastly, if you are wondering, I am slightly overwhelmed right now. It finally hit me, AFTER we brought them home, that this was a forever change. These are my kids now, and this is what I chose to do with my life. I had a few moments/ days of feeling like I couldn’t do it. Like I wasn’t wise or strong enough (and I am not, but through God I can do this). I am settling into myself, the longer we have the boys home. I am learning to trust my parenting, though the idea of being responsible for 4 children is terrifying still. And I am exhausted! Like bringing home a baby, my whole schedule is shifted and they need 100% of my attention, almost 24/7. Me and Sam definitely need some rest (yes that is a prayer request)! But on a whole, I am doing well. Yes, its a lot, but it wont always be as hard as this first week. And I love them so much that even when I think I am at my breaking point, I would never choose anything other than these boys and this life. They are my little boys, and I adore them with all I am.

Thank you for praying with us, so that God could get us to this point. So many miracles, and praises and joys. God is SO faithful, and the work of His hands is glorious. This is just the beginning too, the start of something new. The first steps of a new journey for these boys, a time of leaving old things behind and starting again.

3 Days to Go!!!

So this is probably going to be my last post before we open Joseph’s House since we open in just 3 days. I promise to take lots of pictures and give a long post about how that goes :) Its going to be a day I remember forever- a day I’ve been looking forward to most of my life. Because of this, I am having trouble sleeping. I lay awake and pray for my kids and think about what Monday will be like, and how its going to completely flip my world upside down in the best way imaginable. Tonight as I lay awake, I am writing to you all.

This week has been a time of great preparations. We got our house keys on Saturday, but couldn’t start moving things in until yesterday. But I am determined to open by the 22nd, and so we had to start buying things a.s.a.p! Yesterday we bought the beds and mattresses. Today we (me, Eddy and Sam) bought EVERYTHING we needed to open the home... yes everything. It took forever, shopping for an entire house in an African market, but we got it done. After hours of buying, we moved it all to the house, and set to work preparing for the kids to come. I washed the whole house (walls, floors, windows, veranda). We set up our store room with food and cups and plates. We put the mattresses and sheets on the beds, then added the mosquito nets.

My super favorite part of the day was putting together the boys cases (trunks with all their things in it). I took great care giving each boy the clothing that fit his individual spirit and personality. They also got new shoes, toothbrushes/paste, jelly (like lotion), combs, towels, and some other things that I am forgetting right now (it is 1AM and its been a long day). I put all of these things in their cases with love, imagining them coming home in a few short days and opening them for the first time. They will also be coming home to sofas, a TV, bookcase with plenty of books, coloring books, leggos, blocks, as well as “care packages” on their beds (including letters from me and Abby, and candy). When my mom comes in two weeks, they will also all be getting teddy bears and a lot of other fun things. They will be coming home to a lot of wonderful things, all of which were all picked with the hopes of giving 5 boys a childhood that they have never had.

At one point Eddy, Amy (who helped after we started unpacking at the house) and Sam had all gone to get more supplies, so I was alone at the house. Our home is beautiful by the way. Its big so there is plenty of space, but small enough to feel like a home. We have a big compound (fenced yard) with lots of trees and grass. Our neighborhood is peaceful and quiet, and very Ugandan... I've missed living in a Ugandan neighborhood and am already enjoying listening to the slow bustle of African life outside our gate. Its outside town enough to be really green, like I said its a slow and peaceful suburb. Its an incredible feeling to be completely aware of God’s presence in a place, and I know God dwells in Joseph’s House. His love and joy surround it. So while I was alone, I was sitting in our large grassy yard enjoying the total peace of the place. I was just praying and praising the Father for giving us such a wonderful home, and so many blessings. To be starting the home, and able to do it in such a short time. I know God wants these kids off the streets with the same urgency that I do. Anyways, as I was sitting in the grass, I was looking around and imagining how different it will look & sound in just a few days. Yes peaceful, but not quiet. Yes joyful, but with trials. But full of life! I can see my kids playing in the yard, or on the veranda. I can see us sitting at the table eating dinner, or doing devotions in the living room. I can imagine reading to them under the shade of the palms in our yard. Its so close, and there is still so much to do, but it will be amazing.

Tomorrow, our cook Harriet (who was one of the ladies in our Hope House) and her two little kids will move into the garage, which is separate but attached to the house (for the record, in Uganda garages are mostly used as rooms because nobody actually has cars). Tomorrow we are also interviewing a teacher, who will home-school the boys, and is the only staff member we have yet to hire. On Saturday I am moving in to the house, and will do the final prep. On Sunday, I am taking time to fast, rest and pray. Pray over each boy, over Monday, and over the next few weeks which will be rocky. Sunday afternoon we will find each boy, and tell them to meet us at the clinic in Kivulu on Monday at noon.

Monday, I will be waiting at the clinic in the morning. When the boys are all there (hopefully they will get there by noon, but they are street kids) we will have them all bathe and put on new clothes. We will then sit them down and tell them about the home, and about why God wants them off the streets. I will tell them that they have been on the streets a long time, and that their Father never forgot about them. Because He loves them, we want them to come into our home. I will then go back to the house and wait for them, while Eddy and Sam (the two J-House uncles) will take the boys out to eat. I want them to eat a TON of food, so that after that day, they never need to be hungry again.

When the boys walk through the gate on Monday afternoon, I want them to have very full bellies. I want them to be in new clothes, and all clean. I want them to know they are HOME. This is forever, and they are safe. I want them to walk in the door, and feel peace at the beautiful place that God has given us. I want this dream to come true, and so does Jesus. If you have the time, we would really appreciate your prayers in these specific things over the next few days...

PRAYER REQUESTS

-That we would find Enoch, as he is still missing.

-That the sponsorship money would continue to come in. We have enough to open, but it would be good to have a bigger safety net and to bring in a 6th boy.

-That all of the boys would remain safe until Monday.

-That God would be preparing their hearts for then, so that they are all willing and ready to come home.

-That God would give me and our staff an abundance of wisdom and patience as we learn how to parent these traumatized children.

-That once the boys are home, God gives them steady hearts and stability so that they can stay there.


I know our Father is the ultimate provider, and through Him we can do all things. He hems us in, behind and before. I cannot wait to post my next update, and tell everyone about the beginning of this home that God has been preparing.

Prayers for Enoch

So when Joseph's House was first starting, there was a boy in our A.P.I. Forever homes that I felt like God was placing on my heart. For this particular boy, I was confused because he was already in our Forever homes, and he was doing okay there.

Enoch is pretty young, maybe 10 or 11. I first met him in Kisenyi in December two years ago. He was super sick with malaria, and I convinced him to come to programs to get treatment. I really love him, but at first he was WAY to wild to come into our homes. Over time though, God really changed his little heart, and he was able to come home. Since then, he has run away several times. He has a stubbornness about him due to extreme trauma, and can be really difficult at times. That being said, God has really been transforming him over the past year.

Because he was doing better, we (me and Abby) decided that he should stay in the Forever Homes. Our idea was that if he was doing well, placing him in Joseph's House would bring him down as far as any behavioral progress he makes. That being said, I decided that if he was on the streets when Joseph's House opened, and unable to come back to the Forever Homes, I would take him. I think God wanted me to know he would be in my house, but I also really wanted him to do well in Bombo, so I prayed that he would stay there. But while we were in America this winter, he ran away again. He has been on the streets again for awhile, and by all accounts is not doing so well. This was all the confirmation I needed, and we decided that Enoch would come into J House so he can get the individualized attention he needs. I really believe he can make it in our homes... the trouble right now is finding him.

A few weeks ago, Abby had a nightmare about Enoch, and this dream was what prompted us to decide for sure that he should come to Joseph's House (because he needs to get off the streets). Abby dreams a lot, and I thought she was just worried about Enoch and therefore dreaming about him. I however almost never remember my dreams, and so on Tuesday this week when I had a nightmare about Enoch, it really worried me. It was super vivid, and while I don't usually give credit to my dreams, this one felt like a divine warning. In it, Enoch was on the streets, small and dirty. He was surrounded by a group of men, and I couldn't see him because they were crowded around him. I could hear him calling though, and I got scared and ran toward him. I pushed my way through the circle of men, and saw him lying on the ground, somehow hurt. He was crying and obviously afraid. I picked him up, and he put his head on my shoulder. I then proceeded to carry my very scared little boy home, where I knew he would be safe.

After having this dream, I started asking around for Enoch. It suddenly occurred to me that nobody (on our staff, or even the other boys) had seen him for awhile. Considering that the network of street kids is pretty tight (though it may seem hard), its actually relatively easy to track down a particular kid in Kampala if you are really looking for him. But for several days now, I have been looking- really looking- and there is no sign of him. The kids in Kisenyi say he is in Wandegyre. The boys in Wandegyre say he is hiding in Kisenyi. Some kids say he is in hiding, because he stole a pair of skates, and others say he was arrested for this same crime. Still other boys say he is in a home with a program called Tigers, but the boys in these Tigers homes say he ran away two weeks ago. The staff of these homes claim they have never seen him, but are on the lookout.

Bottom line, I cannot find him. And like any parent, I am starting to seriously worry. I know that one of the above stories is probably true, but still its odd that we haven't seen him (or that nobody has). Enoch should have heard by now that I am looking for him. He knows us, he trusts us, and it seems out of character that he would continue to hide. Maybe he ashamed for running away, but when he first ran away, we (as a staff) saw him regularly around town... My mind runs away with horrible scenarios, because there IS real danger for a little boy in a big city. Child sacrifice is still practiced in rural Uganda, and boys are soled and traded. There is deadly illness, and mob justice for thieves. I know God has Enoch in His hands, but I would appreciate prayers for him right now. Because even if Enoch is totally fine, and just in hiding, he is still a little kid. He is just a child who is lost and needs a family. He belongs to our A.P.I. family, and in only 9 days I would like to bring him home. But I cannot do that unless I find him.

Please pray that God reveals Enoch, so that our lost child can come home.

Only Agape

Agape Love : selfless love of one person for another (especially love that is spiritual in nature).


So many times I’ve written about my love for these kids. I have said its a piece of God’s own heart for them. That its not my own, and that any love I can offer (from my own heart) would not be enough. Today more than ever, I stand by that. I love these kids more and more each day. And as much as they bring joy, light and excitement into my life, they also bring challenges. 

I  cannot say how many days at programs I look around at all the kids causing problems (fighting, interrupting, misbehaving in general) and realize they are my J House boys. There are days when I think if my kids were not at programs, we wouldn't have any trouble at all. I have half a dozen hands grabbing at mine, and half a dozen voices shouting and asking and needing things from me. And Alex is swinging from the rafters of the church like a monkey, running around hitting kids, and saying “F You!” to everyone. Or  I find Waswa holding an armful of rocks and trying his best to hit whichever boy is disturbing him at the moment. Sometimes Sabote just wanders away in the middle of a conversation because he has simply lost interest, and he is always telling me over and over and over that he's hungry. A million little moments like this, all day, every day. The hardest parts of parenting, but 70% of the time (that 30% of pure joy eclipses all the hard stuff). And you know what? I am not enough. My patience is not enough. My words are not enough. My wisdom is not enough. My everything is not enough! No way can I do this alone, but it can be done. God chose me for it. He chose me, and I chose them, and none of it makes any sense but it all somehow works. In its own way it all fits together, and I know that this was the plan all along. There was never any other choice for me, or another direction I should/could have gone it. This is the master plan for my life, and I cannot imagine it different.

God’s love is so infinite and enduring. When my heart becomes irritable He brings me peace. When my wisdom fails, He gives me direction. When I myself am just poured out, and emotionally empty, He fills me up. His love is enough, not just for me. Its enough to pour out time and time again onto these children. Its a beautiful thing, and I stand in wonder at the unimaginable greatness of it all.

I ask myself, “what kind of love is this?”. What kind of love is so great and deep and wide. Imagining God’s love is like trying to understand eternity- its impossible. Its like trying to think of a color you’ve never seen; our human brain is not built to understand it. Its to great for us to comprehend. Only by blessing me with a small part of His own selfless love am I able to love my boys. Without Him, and His love for me, I am nothing.

True Story

Today my heart is full of sadness. Not because of anything specific, or because of any particular event. Although I see it every day, that doesn’t make me numb to it. I am sad because God’s beautiful sons are lost, and on the streets.

These are children. Little boys! And they are LOST. And this is real.

And I am sad because they are living in filth, they are covered in it. The filth of garbage, and their own feces. The filth of living, breathing and surviving the streets.

I am sad because they are hungry. The kind of clawing, desperate hunger that not many Americans will ever understand. The kind of hunger that is never ending, because a slice of bread or even beans and rice a few times a week won’t fill it. The kind of hunger that causes permanent damage, because malnutrition scars for life.

My heart breaks because they are hurting! They’re hearts are broken. They come from broken families, and the streets offer only more pain. They are children, who need parents to comfort them. To hug them, and hold them close.

And the above is just the beginning. My kids face sexual assault, prison, beatings, and so many other horrors. These are real little boys, with real faces. They have stories, and they were loved by somebody at one point in time. They faced real loss, and they cry real tears. 

 God has a divine plan for each of His children, and living on the streets is not part of it. 

Update on Waswa

My precious boy <3

Miracles happen.

Waswa is proof. A few months ago, he didn't love anyone. He was unreachable, and unknown (if you want to read about how I first came to know/love Waswa, you can read about it here.)


Today after street programs, Waswa informed me that he is shifting from Kisenyi to Kivulu (meaning he is moving). Now, I know it may not seem like such a big deal, I mean, he is a street kid. He moves around all the time, and it doesn't seem very important that he decided to stay in one slum over another. But its a huge deal, because it represents a much bigger heart change that is happening in Waswa. His decision to stay in Kivulu is because he wants to be near Grace church and our programs. He has been coming to every single program since I returned (including our Tuesday/Thursday bible study which doesn't even have food). He wants to be near us, near me. He wants to surround himself with other boys who come to our programs. Boys who don't do so many drugs, and who attend Grace church on Sunday mornings too. He is staying with our "core group" of oldest boys (Kasozi, Able, Big and Innocent). They have taken Waswa under their wings, and are helping him as he leaves his old ways behind in Kisenyi. 

He laughs now! All the time. He plays with the other boys, and bosses them around :) And he is still just as sweet as ever; always at my side, needing me to go with him. Almost like a toddler, wandering into the world. He is getting there, but he needs his home base, checking back in just to know I am there. I could talk about him for ages, all the sweet and funny things he does. All the insights into his personality I am getting as he blooms into this bright new boy.

There is honestly new light in his eyes!

Its almost unbelievable, except I have seen God do it before. Its confirmation that He is on my side, and that His love heals all things. That through Him, this is all possible. Waswa is hope, and an encouragement to me when things seem hard. I am in wonder at the work God is doing in him.

Clear Sight for Teary Eyes

So the past week has been pretty painful. For reasons that I will not go into, I made the difficult choice to break my engagement. No more wedding, no more fiancé... many dreams shattered. Ouch. This is all new, and I am still in the middle of it all, trying to figure out what God’s plan was, and what He wants from me now. A few things though have been abundantly clear.

1. My Father is the Almighty and wonderful. He holds me close, picks up the broken pieces, and moves me forward. At the first sign of heartbreak, I went running to Him. He never lets me go, and is the Father of all comfort. God never fails, and so I will praise Him. 

2. Uganda is home. I literally just got back from an almost 3 month trip to America. And yet, even though things are hard, I haven’t thought of leaving- not even once. This is home, and these are my people. My ministry staff is a family, and this is exactly where God has called me to be. I know this pain wont get easier if I run from it, and so in Uganda I will stay. I will continue to love on my boys, and work for the glory of Jesus.

3. Joseph’s House is my purpose for being in Uganda, and honestly what I was born to do. Right when things got called off, I had a moment of panic. I thought “I can’t do this alone”. Almost simultaneously, there was another voice in my heart speaking louder than my fears. The voice said “I have anointed you, and through Me all things are possible”. Thank you Jesus <3 My kids are and always will be mine. Nothing but God could keep me away from them, but God is for us, so nothing will stop me. I am going to be a mom to the most amazing kids ever! They are my heart and joy, and I can do this through my maker.

In moments when I feel like my heart has been cut open, or when I think I cannot get through this, I think of “homecoming day”. The day I get to bring my boys home. Its not far away- only one more month. And for them, for that day and that moment, I can do anything. I think about having them safe. Their first week home, I will not go anywhere. We will stay home together as a family, and watch movies and read and play cards. And I will probably check on them every night, just to make sure they are really safe and sound in their new beds. There will be many hard moments, and I am sure it will be anything but smooth sailing. But to have them home, and safe and within my sight... oh I cannot express the joy that thought brings. The kind of joy that brings tears to my eyes (the good kind of tears :) and gives me chills. Like a thousand candles in my soul, light and soft and glowing.


Keep moving forward.

Castng Out Fear

Oh, so much to say! Where do I start? I have SO many blessings and updates, I don't know where to start. I will do a quick rundown on the "top two"...

1. I am engaged!!! My wonderful fiance, Laurence, one of our A.P.I. uncles. I could go on for hours about how amazing he is, but that will probably be its own post another time. For now, I will answer a question my good friend always asks, which is "what are the top three things you love about him?". My first answer is his undying faith in Christ. His faith encourages me, and builds me up. No matter what, he looks to Jesus to lead him, and trusts God to take care of us (a reminder I need often). Second, he is a protector of the weak and innocent. He believes in fighting for justice, and helping those who cannot help themselves. Third, he is trustworthy. I needed someone who could take all my dreams and fears, and protect them in his heart. He keeps his word, and protects my heart, and I trust him. We serve God better together, and he strengthens my faith daily. I am so lucky! So there is my little update on personal things :)

2. I am in America fundraising for Joseph's House. I love my kids, and I want them home with me so badly! They SO deserve a loving home and family, and I want them to be safe in their forever home. That said, its hard to be away from them. Its hard to be away from Laurence, and to be away from my boys. And they miss me, and I am not sure they trust I am coming back. I am trying so hard to raise this money, but its been a huge challenge. Its painful to be away from my home, and to see it hurt my kids. But mostly its been hard on my faith. And that is the point of this post. I feel like I have so many posts about trusting God, and His plans, and what He is doing in my life. Its my constant struggle; living a life that requires me to completely give up my own will, and trust that the Lord will lead me. All the while, letting go of my life and plans is (time and time again) the hardest thing for me to do. And I get swallowed with fear!

Fear that I will not be able to get the money to help my precious boys.
Fear that I will disappoint them, and break their hearts.
Fear that I will have to stay in America for a long time, trying to raise this money.
So many fears!!!

But God is good, and He reminds me to look at each step we've taken before this one. Each little jump I made getting to this point. Back in the days that it stretched my faith to leave school and go to Uganda. Back when I knew I was supposed to be in Africa, but had no money, plan, or sending agency to go through. Back when left my life behind to do this, and let go of everything in America. Even just a few months ago when I committed to following God down this path, which would eventually lead to Joseph's House. And I had no plan, and no idea how to raise 6 little (very traumatized) boys. But God has given me wisdom, and built relationships that I did not think these boys were capable of.

So again I stand before Him, completely at His mercy. Trusting, wholeheartedly, that this is the path Jesus is leading me down. And I get afraid and worried and stressed out (more than I have ever been in my life!). But I am reminded that this was not my idea, it was God's. He has given me this heart, and this passion, and through Him it will be fulfilled. Its totally humbling, and I know that this is only the beginning. Trusting Him to start Joseph's House is only the first step, because I am going to need to come before Him and trust He will show me the way every day after that. Every hard moment, or difficult decision. It can only happen through the Lord, but this is by His design, so that at the end, all glory goes to Him alone.

He has placed love in my heart that drives out these fears. When I think of my beautiful children, I am not afraid. I am determined, and steady, and confident. And when I think of loosing it all, or not raising this money, I am paralyzed. But then I remember Jesus, who I love above all. Who promises that he will be with me always, and God who's plan for me is perfect. And I know that as long as my King loves me (which is always, and unending), everything will be okay.

"There is no fear in love, 

but perfect love casts out fear. 

For fear has to do with punishment, 

and whoever fears has not been 

perfected in love."-1 John 4:8