So I wasn't wanting to post today, but a wise mentor suggested I let all of you in on how I am feeling at this particular moment, because sometimes the truth is what needs to be told. And we need prayer, because we cannot move forward without it. This week I have felt pretty discouraged. Partially this is because I have had a horrible migraine for the past 5 days, and am just physically exhausted from being in so much pain. Also because of this, I am emotionally worn down. I feel like we (Joseph's House) has come to a stuck place with our kids. A place where we need a Divine breakthrough, because I feel like I am beating my fists against a massive brick wall that cannot be broken.
Today, I woke up at 7AM to hysterical screaming from the living room. This was being caused by two of our boys * Michael and *Brian (*I am changing their names for privacy). These two boys have been fighting ALL THE TIME recently, and today was the last straw. Michael had injured Brian so badly we had to take him to the clinic (think Mike Tyson...). Michael was then so upset because he had a punishment for fighting that he proceeded to threaten to break down all the windows and hurt everyone in the house for the next two hours. He eventually cried himself to sleep, and things became somewhat peaceful again, but by this time it was 10AM, and the morning had been so upset that we had significant trouble getting the other boys to settle down and get back to their homeschooling. Just another normal day right?
See, it feels like these kind of days are increasing recently instead of decreasing. Like these fights are getting more frequent. We are having other problems with another two boys who are mostly refusing to go to school. They make it through a little while, then quit about mid-morning. I feel really stuck as to what discipline can make them choose to study, because no matter what we do, the effects are not long lasting. This heart change (wanting to try, and to study) is not happening, and it needs to. And its days like today that make me feel like I am loosing this war. Like on the surface, we are making improvements, and we are. Some of our boys are doing amazing, seriously miraculously well. And I see God changing their hearts, and their lives. And I am so thankful! Little things like the fact that Brian has started making his bed every morning without being asked (small as that seems) is huge. He was on the streets for 7 years, and teaching him this simple responsibility is an incredible accomplishment. But on other, bigger things, there are days I feel like we have made no progress at all, and it breaks me down.
And so I am beating against this wall, and its so stupid. My fists cannot win against this wave of evil, against the corruption that has broken these children. All my love and wisdom and discipline will never be enough. This battle, the fight to heal these boys and give them back their childhoods, is a fight beyond me. Its a spiritual battle that God is fighting harder than I can even imagine. He is on our side, fighting for His children. He will break down this brick wall, and bring us all past it. And so its to Him that I cling, His promise to take care of me and these boys.
Today, I woke up at 7AM to hysterical screaming from the living room. This was being caused by two of our boys * Michael and *Brian (*I am changing their names for privacy). These two boys have been fighting ALL THE TIME recently, and today was the last straw. Michael had injured Brian so badly we had to take him to the clinic (think Mike Tyson...). Michael was then so upset because he had a punishment for fighting that he proceeded to threaten to break down all the windows and hurt everyone in the house for the next two hours. He eventually cried himself to sleep, and things became somewhat peaceful again, but by this time it was 10AM, and the morning had been so upset that we had significant trouble getting the other boys to settle down and get back to their homeschooling. Just another normal day right?
See, it feels like these kind of days are increasing recently instead of decreasing. Like these fights are getting more frequent. We are having other problems with another two boys who are mostly refusing to go to school. They make it through a little while, then quit about mid-morning. I feel really stuck as to what discipline can make them choose to study, because no matter what we do, the effects are not long lasting. This heart change (wanting to try, and to study) is not happening, and it needs to. And its days like today that make me feel like I am loosing this war. Like on the surface, we are making improvements, and we are. Some of our boys are doing amazing, seriously miraculously well. And I see God changing their hearts, and their lives. And I am so thankful! Little things like the fact that Brian has started making his bed every morning without being asked (small as that seems) is huge. He was on the streets for 7 years, and teaching him this simple responsibility is an incredible accomplishment. But on other, bigger things, there are days I feel like we have made no progress at all, and it breaks me down.
And so I am beating against this wall, and its so stupid. My fists cannot win against this wave of evil, against the corruption that has broken these children. All my love and wisdom and discipline will never be enough. This battle, the fight to heal these boys and give them back their childhoods, is a fight beyond me. Its a spiritual battle that God is fighting harder than I can even imagine. He is on our side, fighting for His children. He will break down this brick wall, and bring us all past it. And so its to Him that I cling, His promise to take care of me and these boys.
I will say to the Lord "You are my place of safety and my protection. You are my God, and I trust you"- Psalm 91:2
I went to Uganda for two weeks earlier this summer and I was able to spend about 4 hours hanging out with some of the boys in the street program API runs. Those 4 hours impacted me more than any other part of the trip, and I know feel called to return to Uganda. Since coming home I've read through your entire blog. Thursday is the day I specifically pray for API, so just know that even though you don't know me, I'm praying for you and the boys.
ReplyDelete