Only Agape

Agape Love : selfless love of one person for another (especially love that is spiritual in nature).


So many times I’ve written about my love for these kids. I have said its a piece of God’s own heart for them. That its not my own, and that any love I can offer (from my own heart) would not be enough. Today more than ever, I stand by that. I love these kids more and more each day. And as much as they bring joy, light and excitement into my life, they also bring challenges. 

I  cannot say how many days at programs I look around at all the kids causing problems (fighting, interrupting, misbehaving in general) and realize they are my J House boys. There are days when I think if my kids were not at programs, we wouldn't have any trouble at all. I have half a dozen hands grabbing at mine, and half a dozen voices shouting and asking and needing things from me. And Alex is swinging from the rafters of the church like a monkey, running around hitting kids, and saying “F You!” to everyone. Or  I find Waswa holding an armful of rocks and trying his best to hit whichever boy is disturbing him at the moment. Sometimes Sabote just wanders away in the middle of a conversation because he has simply lost interest, and he is always telling me over and over and over that he's hungry. A million little moments like this, all day, every day. The hardest parts of parenting, but 70% of the time (that 30% of pure joy eclipses all the hard stuff). And you know what? I am not enough. My patience is not enough. My words are not enough. My wisdom is not enough. My everything is not enough! No way can I do this alone, but it can be done. God chose me for it. He chose me, and I chose them, and none of it makes any sense but it all somehow works. In its own way it all fits together, and I know that this was the plan all along. There was never any other choice for me, or another direction I should/could have gone it. This is the master plan for my life, and I cannot imagine it different.

God’s love is so infinite and enduring. When my heart becomes irritable He brings me peace. When my wisdom fails, He gives me direction. When I myself am just poured out, and emotionally empty, He fills me up. His love is enough, not just for me. Its enough to pour out time and time again onto these children. Its a beautiful thing, and I stand in wonder at the unimaginable greatness of it all.

I ask myself, “what kind of love is this?”. What kind of love is so great and deep and wide. Imagining God’s love is like trying to understand eternity- its impossible. Its like trying to think of a color you’ve never seen; our human brain is not built to understand it. Its to great for us to comprehend. Only by blessing me with a small part of His own selfless love am I able to love my boys. Without Him, and His love for me, I am nothing.