Behind and Before

"You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain"- Psalm 139:5-6


When I was around 10, I became fascinated by missionaries. I didn't want to be one, and in fact the idea terrified me. Even then, some part of me knew that it was God's whispering. I remember asking my mom "Would God send something, like a snake or something scary, to chase me into the missions field?" because I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to ignore God either. My mom reassured me, saying that if that was God's plan for me, I wouldn't be afraid to go.

At 14, I remember sitting on a doc in Tahoe, the year after my first mission trip to Mexico. It was on that trip, crossing the boarder and seeing true poverty for the first time, that changed me. I got goosebumps because I was so excited. I almost cried, not because of what I was seeing, but because of how "right" it felt for me to be there. That day on the doc in Tahoe (on a winter retreat with my youth group) I made God a promise. I would follow Him, would follow Jesus wherever He lead me. In return, I asked for a life of adventure. Not cliff diving, or racing around Europe. I wanted a life of uncertainty. A life that required me to lean on Him. A life that took me out of my comfort zone, one that never let me forget that I need my King. God has honored my promise, in more ways than I could have imagined.

I am still in awe of the things God has done in my life in less than a year. In May, He took me back to Uganda for the second time. I was alone with God, and I pushed Him away. I was in the light, but blind. If you read between the lines of my earlier blogs, you can hear my fear and isolation. I learned that I am not strong enough to be in Uganda on my own, not even strong enough to love the boys on my own. I loved them, and they shattered my heart and rejected me, and I came to understand some of how Jesus must have felt.  I am weak, and when I stood on my own, I fell. I wanted to retreat into the comfort of my American life, and forget Uganda, and the promise I had made to Jesus. Instead, I desperately clung to the lifeline of trust that He threw me, and I waited.
And I waited, and I waited... and it hurt. Then, all the sudden, I began to see again. I watched as Jesus lead me back to Him, where I stood on firm rock. I was joyful when He caught me from the cliff I had jumped from. He was with me, and that was enough. I cannot lie and say that that first month was by any means easy, but it taught me to persevere. Because at the end of my trials, something far beyond my imagination waited for me. By the end of my summer, I was consumed by love. I was devoted to Jesus, and my boys, and Ugandans. I loved the country, and the culture. God helped me fall in love with life itself. I want the record to show that I can do NOTHING without my Savior. He is the one who changed my heart, and took the fear away. He is the one who replaced it with indescribable love, and He is the one who set into motion the events now occurring. Without Him, I would be sitting at home, fretting about what Masters program I was going to get into. I would be worrying about what dating options there would be once I was out of my college community (lets be honest, most girls at least consider that question ;) I would be looking for a job to pay for my next few years of school.


Oh Jesus, thank you for giving me what I asked for instead!!

Two weeks ago, I found a sending agency. Tomorrow, I am going to officially send out support letters. This summer, I am moving to Uganda to stay. Why? First, because I love Jesus, and this is where He is leading me. I know that %110. Whatever I do, I do out of love for Him. Second, I am going back for a group of rowdy, rough, and scrappy boys that have completely stolen my heart. I didn't understand love until I met them. I had even been in love, but not fully grasped what it means to love. I love my boys with everything I am. With everything I do, and every thought I have. They break my heart, and my love for them pushes me forward. By this love, my faith has bloomed in ways I never imagined. I still have difficulty trusting Jesus, but He is always there. Each day I try and mirror Christlike love to my boys, and they teach me the meaning of love through God's eyes. I am daily reminded of my inadequacies, and failings, but I am so grateful that He has none. I am about to jump again, and this time, there is no plan B. There is no escape rout, and all my chips are in. The cliff is bigger, and the fall would be crushing, but I am jumping anyways.
And this time, I am not afraid at all :)