Amen

Wow... its been a long time! Sorry everyone; sometimes life just gets in the way of blogging. This has been a roller coaster of a summer (I still cannot believe its July. It still feels like May!!).

First, its our “team season” which means  that we have been hosting a lot of great groups from America. These groups are the backbone of our ministry as far as giving goes. They are the ones that spread word of what we are doing after they get back to the USA. The team that is here at the moment has been a special blessing (both to the ministry and to me personally). They are SO flexible and have been serving with us in any way they can. They are also just super fun to be around, and a few of them have become good friends. I am really thankful that God is using them in such big ways to bless us this month (thanks team!).

Second, more importantly, we have two new additions to our family! I don’t know where I last left off, but (really sadly) Joseph and Waswa ran away about a month ago. After a lot of heartbreak and prayer, I came to the decision that they were just not ready to be in Joseph’s House. You can continue to pray for them, as they are still very precious in my heart and I refuse to give up on them. After they left, we spent about a month with just three boys (Alex, Sabote and Enoch). That time was spent really settling those boys- making sure they were completely stable and secure in the home. Last week, I decided that they were finally ready to bring other boys home.

On Saturday last week, we brought home Joshua and Robert. These two boys are best friends and have been in our programs for the past two years. They are both super sweet, but wild. But they are good kids who have hearts that want to please. I had been praying hard about who to bring home next, and I really felt like out of all the kids I knew, these two fit the criteria for J House the best. They had been rejected from other homes. They had been on the streets a long time. They are misunderstood, wild, and totally irresistible. I felt God place them on my heart, but wanted to watch them carefully to make sure I had listened for His word correctly. Finally, I felt God telling me it was time.

Like always, when the moment came to bring them home, I felt worried. What if they disrupted the stability of our house? What if they run away? What if they cause fighting or hurt the other boys? What if we (or I) just cannot handle them?? I am supposed to be their mother, and that love has to be bigger than all things. It has to come from God, because I am not perfect and neither is my love. But God’s love is perfect, and so it is only through Him that I can do this. Still, there is always that moment when I worry that God is not with me in this- maybe I am alone. Fortunately, God knows my heart. He knows my worries, and He knows who belongs in our home. It became obvious almost instantly after getting Robert and Joshua home that they were meant to be part of our family. Turns out that Enoch and Joshua are really good friends, and that Joshua is a great influence on Enoch (having Joshua around has really helped Enoch’s behavior). Robert is friends with everyone, and has been an all around joy to have. But beyond that, they are truly amazing boys.

Robert is so happy all the time. He brings a lighthearted joy to our home that is uniquely his. He is a very giving friend, and though he has trouble concentrating, he really does listen well. He is also very smart, and has been an encouragement to the other boys in their school work. He is always helping them with their homework, showing them correct spellings and helping them answer math problems. He LOVES being read to, and has been bringing us closer as a group by insisting on “family reading” each night after devotions (this consists of me reading a story to the boys with Sam or Eddy translating).

Joshua is incredible too. I don’t know how we missed it at the programs, really I don’t. To be honest, when I first met Joshua I had insisted in my heart that he should NEVER be in one of our homes. He had poor boundaries and was really wild, and I felt very strongly that he would be a bad influence on the kids. Even when starting Joseph’s House I didn’t consider him. But God saw Joshua in ways I didn’t, and He opened my eyes. Joshua is the sweetest boy in our house (maybe besides Sabote). He helps set the table and clean the dishes every night (even when its not his turn). He leads in devotions. He kneels for me when I get home in the evenings (this is a cultural sign of respect, and is considered good manners. He is my only boy to do this consistently and without being asked). He never fights, always respects, always listens. Yes, he gets a little carried away with playing or being silly sometimes, but if you really tell him to do something, it is his hearts desire to please you.

On top of all that, the boys together are just fun to be with. Like I said, they both bring a certain joy to the house. They have brought the other boys tighter as a group, not torn them or divided them. They have a positive influence on the other boys. I am so thankful that God revealed His heart for these boys to me. I am so blessed that He has entrusted them (really all my boys) to my care. I do not deserve to be the mother of such wonderful kids.

When doing this work, you experience God’s extremes. His deep and grieving heartbreak for the broken things. His power and majesty through healing and miracles. His overwhelming and totally engulfing love for His children. I am thankful for this work. For the burden of heartbreak for God’s children. For the power of His love, which He has opened my eyes to see. And for Him, because above all things, God is beautiful, and everything beautiful reflects God.

For You be the Kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and   ever. Amen.

5 Weeks

Five weeks ago, I had a dream but no children. Five weeks ago, I thought I knew what being a parent looked like. Five weeks ago, I was hopeful that things would work out, but not sure what any of this would look like. Five weeks ago today, my life flipped upside down, and changed forever. Its been five long, hard, and extremely rewarding weeks since we opened Joseph's House. I would first like to say that this is SO much harder than I thought it would be. I don’t think it hit me until I had them home, but essentially I just adopted 5 extremely special needs boys. Like, the stories you hear about people who adopted from Russia and found out their kids had all kinds of neglect related special needs? Well that is basically all of my children, only I knew that when I brought them. Raising them takes every ounce of creative energy I have. It takes all my wisdom and patience, and to be honest I am exhausted. But I see so many incredible changes already, and its only been five weeks!

Sabote would not stop fighting when he got here. All he did was sleep and fight, sleep and fight. He still fights, but not nearly as much. He loves school, and studies really hard every day. His English is still really broken, but we are finding out that he has much better cognitive skills than we expected. And he is kind, really truly kindhearted. Behind all that fighting is a boy who cried for Waswa when he ran away, and tied Enoch’s shoes for him after swimming, because Enoch was to sick. Is a boy who has natural instincts to protect first, to protect me. A few days ago, I was sick, and Sabote sat outside my room with a stick, swatting at anyone who tried to knock on my door (he wanted me to sleep). Sabote has a beautiful heart, and every day that he is here I get to see more of it.

Joseph is our peacemaker. He never fights, and keeps his cool when everyone else is in chaos. He is so sweet, and a really good friend. Whenever someone is upset, its always Joseph who tries to comfort him. This is especially true of Waswa, who has problems with almost everyone else. But Joseph never fights with Waswa, and he is always the first to trie and give words of comfort. The last time Waswa had a meltdown, Joseph ran outside saying “where is my Waswa? I have to comfort my Waswa!”. Joseph is also my silly one :) He is super ticklish and giggly, and genuinely loves to play. And yes, he can be defiant. And he is the one having the hardest time leaving drugs behind. Last time he ran away to Kisenyi for drugs, I went with Sam to get him. We were looking in all the little alleys and hiding holes the boys stay in, and I spotted him. He was in this alley, with a bunch of other boys, holding his chenge. He looked so sad, and broken, all dirty like that. And when I saw him, my heart flooded with love. All I could see was him (I seriously don’t remember what other boys he was with, though I remember I knew them from programs) and I thought “that one belongs at home”. And he does! He is stilling next to me right now, watching “Space Buddies”, and watching me type. I know he belongs here, and am so glad that God reveled Joseph to me!

Enoch is my challenge, but he is so cute it makes up for it. Oh goodness, that boy is cute!  But he has been through more than his share of hardship in his life, and is broken because of it. He constantly wants attention, but cannot handle it when he has it. He is still trying to decide if he can trust being here, and therefore is trying to manipulate and push our staff to their limits. But its okay, we were ready for this. On the other hand, Enoch is used to being in the Bombo homes, so he is used to the house schedule and the way we run things. And he makes me laugh, much as I try and be serious with him. Last night, he was awake when he was supposed to be in bed, and he was talking to me through my door. I told him to go to bed, but instead (in a super deep and gravely voice that I didn’t know he was capable of making) he said “no, aunt Cait this is not Enoch, this is a kidnapper! But, I cannot break your lock, so you just be afraid inside your room!!!”. Honestly, you have to know Enoch to see why this is to funny, but he is this tiny little guy. Hearing him make this “scary” voice was just too funny! I did pull it together, and sent him to bed, but its that kind of defiance (when he thinks he is so sneaky) that I adore. I know God is going to heal Enoch, and that His plan for Enoch is to be here, in the API homes, safe and loved.

Waswa is doing really well too. Oh Waswa, precious kid! He has a lot of challenges, everything from school work to paying attention in devotions. He is easily aggravated, and has daily “meltdowns” which can last 5 min or 3 hours, depending on his overall mood. Still, at the beginning, these meltdowns always lasted hours and hours, and they happened every day. Now, they don’t happen every day, and when they do we can almost always correct things before they get out of control. We are getting better at predicting his behavior, and I am learning how to help him through the tough times. Though he doesn’t like it, he needs physical tough when he is super upset. I have bruises from the last time he was upset, but it was totally worth it because it helped him calm down. Waswa is a beautiful, creative and happy child. Yes, he has tough moments, but God is already healing his heart. I know that, over time, Waswa will settle. He is the perfect example of what Joseph’s House is all about. There is no way, with all his struggles, Waswa would ever have been loved or stay in any other home. With all his years on the streets, nobody ever even approached him to be in another home. Everyone saw him, and his behavior, and stayed away. What a shame, because they were missing the beautiful boy that he is!

Alex is the most amazing transformation. I hoped he would be, but to be honest I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure bringing him home was a good idea, not until the day I actually did it. I was afraid he would just use it to misbehave more, and I would be wasting a spot on a boy who didn’t really want it. I praise God that I listened to Him, and not my own fears, because what a mistake that would have been! Alex is a natural leader, but that can be a really good thing. He loves helping the other boys, talking with them, helping them make “good choices”. He is so so helpful, and really wants to please. I have always believed with Alex the old saying about children that ‘children want to be good, you just have to provide a way for them to do it’. Alex loves being good, he loves helping and has a protective and nurturing heart. All those years on the streets caused a lot of damage, there is no doubt about that. But that childlike wonder and kindness is not gone from him, and its being repaired every day. Right now, Alex is outside building a rabbit hutch. He wanted to be the one to build it, and I let him because he has a genuine love of creating things (a few days ago, he made me a clay heart out of mud in the backyard). He loves taking care of things, and people. And he calls me mom :) He is precious beyond words, and though it will take a lot of time and work, I believe there is a heart of gold under all that damage. I know God is going to use him to do great (and good) things!

There is something new every day with my boys. Its a battle, an ongoing one with the enemy. The evil one loves to tempt them, draw them back to the street life, because its comfortable and known. The unknown is a future in this home, and that is scary for the boys- I understand that. So every day I fight to win back a small part of their hearts. Little by little, we find the broken parts and give them up to Jesus, who puts them back together. Right now the parts that are broken still outnumber what is healed, and that broken part often wins out. But it wont always be like that; someday, the healed and new parts will be more, and the boys will struggle less and less with the damage that they suffered. There will always be a part of these boys (like all of us) that struggles, and we will never know this side of Heaven how far they truly come. But I am confident that God will complete a great work in them, and so for now, I will fight for them. Struggle with them every day, to win back those tiny little pieces.

Photos

If you have Facebook, you've already seen them. But I wanted to share pictures from the first few weeks of our house, as well as from my mom's visit (which was amazing). Hope you enjoy :)

Click here to view the album!

Enoch Prayers Answered :)

So I posted awhile ago about Enoch, who is one of our precious boys. You an read about Enoch and our prayers for him here , but long story short I knew he was supposed to be in our home, but couldn’t find him. I was so afraid that something really bad had happened to him, because we could NOT find him. We looked, and searched, and asked and came up empty. The 5th spot in my home was “saved” for him, in the hope that he would be found. But after a month and a half of desperately looking, things weren’t looking good.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in my room at about 9pm when Enoch’s face flashed in my mind. I got chills all over, and knew immediately that I should pray for him. I called Abby, and together we prayed for Enoch. We prayed that God would deliver him, and bring him home, and keep him safe. After that prayer, we looked again (or redoubled our efforts) to find Enoch. When we again had no results, to be honest, I gave up. I concluded that God wanted us to pray for Enoch in that moment, not so much to save him as to commit his spirit to the Lord. I decided, full of heartbreak, that my 5th spot was for another boy. I began to pray over a few kids I thought could maybe fill the spot, but had no peace.

Then, on Friday at programs, one of the boys said he knew where Enoch was staying. Now, every time we looked, the boys claimed to know where Enoch was. So I didn’t have much hope, but “leave no stone unturned” right? So one of our uncles went with this boy, and tried confirm the story. At the time, I was at dinner with friends and my mom. I was having a great time, and when Ronald called me, I assumed he was calling to confirm that Enoch was (again) not found. Instead I picked up my phone and heard an excited voice saying “Cait, I have him!” Still not fully believing, I asked the uncle to confirm a few things that only Enoch would know. After he did, I felt a flood of hope and joy fill my heart. I asked to speak to Enoch, and he got on the phone and I heard one of the most beautiful little voices say “hello auntie Cait, how are you?”. I still tear up thinking about it.

I really, fully, truly believed he was gone. My human heart had all but given up hope. I could not find him, and so I wrongly believed that he was lost from God too. Having Enoch home has been wonderful, and hard too. He is one of our most challenging children (even in Joseph’s House). He is wonderful beyond words, but also very broken. It will take a lot of time and healing for God to fix all the brokenness these boys have, but He can do it.

This week we have had the “running flu” in our house. Running away, for these boys, catches like a flu. They see the other boys going, and remember life on the streets and drugs and they also want to go. When things are hard, they build up street life in their minds (yesterday one of the boys told me “when I am on the streets I eat chicken dinner every night” which is SO not true. That is a very special meal, and they are lucky to get any food at all). Anyways, this week, though Enoch has been home, virtually every boy has run away at some point. Praise Jesus, at the moment, they are all home. But its not easy, and I never know what tomorrow will bring. Each day is new and challenging, and its never the same. But one thing that bringing Enoch home reminded me is how MIGHTY and powerful God really is. He is big enough for all of this, all my problems and fears. They are really never to big for Him, and so I have nothing to worry about. Along those lines, just being His daughter, knowing I am invited and chosen to be in His presence every day, is enough for me. I am filled and loved and He really is enough. And even if He didn’t choose to love me back, He is so good and wonderful and powerful that it doesn’t matter. He is the Lord of Lords, and therefore I should give Him my all every second of every day. But how perfect is the Lord, because He does love us. He knew that we would need to be filled by His love if we were to serve Him faithfully, and so Jesus made it possible.

I think my point is that I have been humbled this week, and reminded that I am nothing compared to Him. And He has taken my fears away, by also reminding me that He is everything and so I can trust Him wholeheartedly.

Mom Visits/ Q&A

So this week has been extra special. My mom is in Uganda, and it has been a joy and blessing to show her my life here. I know its hard for her at times, and my life is anything but “normal” by any American standards. But its mine, and showing it to her means the world to me. That she can put faces and images to places and people I have talked about the past few years is incredible. And she can meet my kids, and see my home (it still freaks me out sometimes, that I have a children’s home!). My mom is the best mother I know, and I love her so much. I learned everything I know about being a good mom from her, and though I practice it in a VERY different context, I still use it every day. I am so blessed and happy to have her here (for Mothers Day!!), and I cannot say how much it means to me that she would brave the journey. That is truly love :)

On another note, we are putting together files for my kids (their API official files). Its just to keep records, and also to gather information about them. We had to ask a lot of hard, personal questions about their back stories. In addition, we collect “random” info to send to their sponsors in America as well as just to get to know them. I wanted to post some of my boys sweet/funny answers. I love my kids!

What is your favorite animal and why?

Joseph: A pig because it is so sweet (not sure if he is referring to the personality of a pig, or how it tastes. I am guessing the second...)

Sabote: An elephant because it looks good to me, and is pleasant.

Alex: A lion because it has a lot of strength. I want to have a lion heart.

Waswa: A cow. I like rearing cows because they are of importance since you get milk out of them.

How would you describe yourself?

Alex: I love people, especially those who take me for who I am. I also love adventure.

Waswa: I am respectful and compassionate, loving God’s people and His word.

What is special about Joseph’s House?

Alex: Because I have a big, loving and caring family.

Waswa: The home looks beautiful and special, and we can even help more street kids who are on the streets.

What have you learned about God recently?

Joseph: That when you pray, he answers prayers. I prayed to get a home to stay in and He gave me my request. I also prayed that I would go back to school and now we have a teacher who teaches us from home.

Alex: God is so good, loving and cares for those in need. He never forgets his own people since I have been on the streets for 7 years, even going in many homes until finally it seems I like He has got for me a perfect home where I fit.

Waswa: God does wonders because He has enabled me to come to a home, helping me out of the various temptations street kids encounter on the streets.

How can people pray for you?

Joseph: Pray that I study well, and that I will be good to the people in charge of me at home.

Sabote: That I keep studying well, and get a chance to build my own church and become a pastor when I grow up.

Alex: That I grow up in the fear of God. And that I get all the promises that He says He will give me (this is a theme we have been learning about in devotions each night, inspired by the story of Joseph in the Bible).

Waswa: That our house will be blessed, I always think a lot about where I have been, so pray for me that the devil will not pull me back to his tricks which leads to destruction.

Healing

So I had no intention of posting about this, but I wanted to get my thoughts out there.

Today, May 4th, was supposed to be my wedding day. For three months I dreamt of this day constantly. I imagined the guests, and my family in Uganda. I loved my dress, and pictured the way I would do my hair. Most of all, I was in love. I was thrilled and excited to begin my “forever after” with the man I believed God had planned for me.  I knew it would be work, but it was worth it. Our kids would stand be standing up with us, part of our wedding party. The day before I returned to Uganda, I was singing in my room, packing. My sister came in and said “you are definitely a bride; you’re glowing!” because I was so happy at the idea of being back with my fiancé. I thought we belonged together.

Today looks very different than I thought it would. There is no white dress. No guests or children or celebration. There is no groom waiting for me. As if a glass ball being dropped, these dreams have been shattered. But I am still here.

Right now I am sitting on the veranda of my house. The sun is sinking lower in the sky, and its beautiful. Instead of getting ready to depart with my new husband, I am waiting for my children to get home from playing football. We will have dinner together, do devotions, and then I will tuck them into bed one by one. This is a different kind of dream, but one I had prayed over just as faithfully. I am content. I am soaking in every moment of this new family, enjoying each day as it comes. Not yearning for the future, but peaceful in this life God has given me.

I do not understand why God has chosen the things He has for my life. And today, I cannot hope for tomorrow. I don’t think I am brave enough to love again, but someday maybe I will be. I don’t know His plans for me, but I know I love Him. I know that I have so many blessings, and I know that God is beautiful. I have amazing boys here, and they are home for good. I have friends and family that love me. I work with a wonderful ministry, and am sure of my calling. I am blessed.

Though my heart hurts, and is still broken, God is my comfort.
Though I will walk away with 'scars' of a kind, I will heal.
My cup is full, and overflowing.
I am grateful.

Ebb and Flow of Chaos

So, for all my excitement at having Musa home, its been a roller coaster of a few days. Friday Musa came home, and it was a great day. Saturday, not so much. Not 24 hours into his being home, Musa started to convince Sabote to run away back to Kisenyi. He threw out offers of drugs, easy money, and chicken dinner (don’t know who was going to buy them that, but he was sure they could find someone) at Sabote. This was especially hard to watch because Sabote really didn’t want to go. He resisted for several hours, telling Musa “this is our home now, and I don’t want to go”. He even sat with me, not 30 min before they left, holding my hand and telling me “I love you and this home. I am not leaving”. Eventually Musa left on his own, but then proceeded to shout at Sabote through the gate for another hour. This was finally too much for Sabote, and he joined Musa in running away. That evening on the phone, I told Abby “well, Musa and Sabote are gone, but at least Waswa is doing really well” (Waswa has been struggling with tantrums when he is upset). That was our Saturday...

Early this morning (Sunday), like at 6AM, I heard the boys shouting and yelling. Who was out the gate wanting to come in? Sure enough, Sabote and Musa had spent one night on the streets, and decided it was not worth it at all. Sabote was in tears, apologizing and begging to come back in, and after hearing both boys apologize, we let them come home. After all the boys were back inside, they got ready for church. We decided to try the Anglican church across the street. A few min into the service, all the boys except Joseph fell asleep. They were dismissed for Sunday school, and most of them decided to go home and sleep instead. Not okay...

Shortly after church, I was in my room when I heard shouting from the living room. Alex had gotten in a fight with Waswa, and Waswa (sweet soul that he is) was very, very upset. When he cries over things like this, he is actually expressing deeper heart wounds; things which are still unknown to me. Watching Waswa sob over this pain, so deep inside, I realized my complete and total helplessness in the situation. And it broke my heart. Now, I attend Calvary Chapel in Kampala, and I was wanting to catch the last sermon of the morning. When the fight broke out, I was preparing to leave. Now, crying under my sunglasses, I asked Sam what we should do about it all. He told me that we had done what we could, and that going to my own church would be good for me. On the way out the gate, I found Waswa sobbing still, and invited him to go with me. Waswa has been doing really well this week. He is not picking fights, and he has offered to do the dishes at every meal as well as thank Harriet. He has also been great at participating in devotions each night. I wanted to reward his good behavior, and so he came with me. On the boda into town, he leaned his head back to tell me “mom, I love you”.

In church, I cried most of the service. I cried for all the hurts I cannot heal. I cried for the feeling of complete powerlessness. I cried for the endless battles that it has taken and will take to love and raise these boys. I cried for the challenge, and the calling, and the task. There was a verse in one of the songs that said ‘His path is narrow, but His burden light’. Can I be honest? I don’t feel like this burden is very light. Worth it, yes 100%. But light? I feel like the call is hard, and I chose to answer it because I love Jesus and these boys. But sometimes, it is so much. And I know He is with me always, and I trust that my faith will produce good works, and that He will bless my efforts. But I am not enough for this, and today as Waswa was screaming and crying, I was the one holding him. One of those empty moments, where I wish the arms of my Father were real around me, His voice audible with advice or encouragement. His promise to overcome these hardships clear in my ears as well as my heart.

At the close of service, the band played ‘Revelation Song’, which is my favorite worship song. The main chorus goes Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God, Almighty/ Who was and is, and is to come/ With all Creation I sing, praise to the King of Kings/ You are my everything/ and I will adore you.

I will adore You when it hurts
I will adore You when I cannot see further than my own weakness.
I will adore You when I cannot feel You.
I will adore You when I feel I am drowning in this calling.
I will adore You when things are good, and I see Your fingerprints on everything.
I will adore You when You bless these boys, and the work of my hands.
I will adore You in the joy, and the sorrow.
I will adore You. I will adore You. I will adore You.


Loving Christ is a daily choice. Loving these boys is an hourly one. I will choose this until God fulfills His promises to me (that I can do this work, through Him who gives me strength). And when He does, I will have new strength to choose Him again.

Beautiful paradox.