Eyes on Jesus

He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. - Matthew 14:29-32

 
 I wanted to give a shout out to my parents who blessed me in a HUGE way by helping me buy a car here. I really wanted one before I came, because it would be safer and easier to travel long distances, but I didn't have the money. I told God if He wanted me to have one, He would have to provide it- and He did. My dad has been working selling copper off some old doors for me, and the money from that paid for it! How cool that selling scrap metal bought me a car, since its also how my boys make money? Thank you Lord for providing. Thank you dad (and mom) for looking out for me.

Today street programs were so fun!! I decided that I wanted to start doing lessons on Mondays, as well as reading to the boys. I am going to be teaching on animals, and today we started with bears. I mostly just did fun facts, and gave out candy when I asked questions about it. The boys really enjoyed it, and paid really good attention. I told them they could pick which animals we talk about, and they all excitedly raised their hands for suggestions. Next week we are talking about three types of birds. I picked Harry Potter for reading, because every child should get to go to Hogwarts ;) Here, people only tell stories, they don't read books, so reading it was a little different. It worked well because I have read it 100 times, but I got to tell the story more than actually read it. Summarizing the fun parts, skipping over the stuff that doesn't translate. The boys LOVED it even though we just got through the first chapter of the first book, so nothing really cool has happened yet. But they asked a ton of questions, and were really eager to hear the next part. I am excited to read it to them, because I remember my mom reading to me as a child. Its great bonding time, as well as so fun to imagine the books. Often when I take on a new responsibility, its something I enjoy, but its also stressful. I have a lot to do and there is always more! This however, doesn't feel stressful at all- I really loved it. I feel really renewed for street programs, and really excited to be doing this with the kids.

I think sometimes here, I get lost in all the stuff I have to do, and all the directions our ministry is going. There is never enough time in the day. My life is my ministry, and my ministry is my life. These kids are 24/7... there is no 9-5 for us. One thing God has been helping me with is taking a true sabbath for myself (Tuesdays), and I now know why He created one :) Still, its hard! Its a lot, and it feels unending. A few nights ago, I was thinking about this and Peter again came to my mind. For anyone who doesn't know, I love learning from Peter- I think he was just so human. So eager to please Jesus and still so broken.

So here again, we find Peter trying, and failing when he does it on his own. Out in the middle of the storm, having trusted Jesus enough to step off the boat (which is a pretty huge step if you ask me). Trusting enough to step off, but then he begins to sink. In my mind, when I picture this moment, I think the moment he faltered was when he took his eyes off Jesus. Up until that point, Christ had His eyes locked with Peter, and all Peter could see was what he was walking towards. He doesn't fear anything, because all he sees is the strong and sure eyes of his King. But then, Peter gets distracted. He  notices that he is, in fact, walking on water in the middle of a storm. He realizes how far out from the boat he is. When he becomes afraid, he breaks eye contact to get a better look at the storm around him, which only frightens him more... then he falls. Now, knowing the story we know that Christ reaches out His hand to save Peter, and everything is okay, because that is the kind of God we serve.

As I follow Jesus on this crazy journey that is my life, I feel like Peter. Its like I am looking at Jesus, and He is right there, right in front of me. His eyes are sure, and His voice steady. My "eye contact" with Him creates a tightrope, and as long as I keep my eyes locked on Him, I can walk it. But the second I begin to look around, to wonder what I am doing, I feel alone and I falter. Its SO EASY to do too, because all around me are these huge impossible tasks, and I want to pause and take a look at the storm- I want to give into that fear, and stand in awe of all the possible risks I am taking. But doing so would mean drowning, and so instead I trust. I trust that Jesus will not lead me where I do not have the strength to go. I trust that He will not leave me in the middle of this storm. I will fail, just like Peter. But Jesus will still be right there, ready to reach out His hand and save me. I will get right back up on my tightrope, and refocus so I can continue walking towards Him with all I am.

All the Single Ladies :)

Okay, first sorry for not posting sooner. Second, sorry if this seems lame and not relevant to anyone. I have just been thinking about it a lot the past week, and I wanted to share about it. This one is for all my single ladies!

Having a best friend who is married is kinda challenging sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel left out or anything. Its just that sometimes, watching Abby and David together is a little hard. It reminds me of what I don’t have.  So a few weeks ago I was talking with Abby about it. About how its hard, and how I wonder sometimes if I will ever find someone. I trust that I will- honestly I do. I just wonder sometimes how long it will take. I think many single girls wonder the same thing. I get sucked into the guessing game. I meet a nice, godly man and wonder...
And yet a huge part of me isn’t ready. This year was filled with heartbreak and loss. My heart is still fragile, still healing. Abby pointed out to me that God wasn’t withholding someone from me, but actually protecting me. That even if the right guy came into my life right now, I wouldn’t be ready for him, and it would cause more pain.

This conversation got me thinking about stuff, like all the “almost” relationships I had. So many times I’ve asked God “why not him?”. Am I not faithful enough? Not mature enough? Not devoted enough? But now I look back and realize that if any of those had worked out, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have followed my calling (or I would have done it at a high price). I wouldn’t have been free to go! All those relationships that ended in “almost” lead me here.

Its comforting to see that now, because it reminds me that someday, I will look at my husband and be thankful for all the times I turned away from someone else. When God brings him, and I know He will, its going to be the perfect fit. There will be no second guessing, and no wondering if I should be waiting for something else. I will know it, just like I know I belong here in Uganda. Like I know I belong serving street kids. I will just know :)

Beaten, Broken, Scarred

A few weeks ago, I was walking through Kivulu. I was going through a narrow ally, on my way to programs. That part of Kivulu is the unseen part, even by those of us who work there. Its the dark part, where drugs are sold, and women sell themselves. These tiny streets are lined with doorways to the smallest mud houses you’ve ever seen.- they are literally the size of my bathroom. While walking, I came across a man with (presumably) his girlfriend or wife. He had her by the arm, and she was sobbing. He was hitting her hard in the face and head repeatedly. He was drunk.

Last week, I was walking through the same part of the neighborhood when I came across a woman and her young daughter. The girl was probably 10. She was cowering under her mother, who had a stick and was beating her with it, seemingly as hard as she could. The little girls screams made me cringe.

This weekend, at the land, there was a commotion at our neighbors house. As me and the boys walked back from the soccer field, we could hear shouting and crying. Sure enough, the neighbor boy (about 13) was being beaten. Apparently he had been wandering around the village when he was supposed to be fetching water. His mother had a huge stick, and was striking him again and again. It lasted a full 15 min.

My boys show the scars from abuse like this. They’ve had their flesh burned off, and their heads split open. They’ve been poisoned. They’ve been tied up and beaten, or tied to trees and left to die in the jungle. They’ve seen and suffered horrific things. Its easy to tell when a dog has been abused. You may raise your hand to throw a ball, or to pet it, and the dog cowers before you. I have seen this same effect with my boys; a sudden hand raised for high-five makes them shrink from me. This kind of abuse makes me sick. You may think you know what it looks like, but your imagination does not do it justice. Until you’ve heard the blows (real blows, because its nothing like in the movies people...) you cannot know how hideous it is. In America, children are seen as sacred. They are cherished, often spoiled. And while that may be to extreme, its closer to the truth. In Uganda, children are worthless. They are a burden. They are expendable, and punished like animals. In America, women get abused, but there is help for them. The law recognizes this is wrong, and there are safe places for them to go. Here, its the norm to beat your wife. Powerless people take their anger out on those even more powerless- usually children but often women too. I hate it. I hate that people feel so powerless in the first place, but I also hate that others suffer for it. It does however, remind me how amazing God is.

God, who is the Almighty and Most High, has all the power. And He does not abuse it. He is a God of mercy, love and comfort. His fierce love protects. His grace covers all. Jesus suffered abuse and pain so bad they had to make a word for it (excruciating= crucified). My job here is to love these boys, who have mostly only known pain. They haven’t seen real love, or a gentile hand. But I have, because of my parents and my family. But also because I know Christ. And so here I am, to offer, quite literally, the hands of Christ. Hands that heal, and comfort and love. Because maybe, if they can see that I can love them, and that my hands offer love and protection, then they will also see my heart. And if they can see and believe that my heart truly loves them, then they can see the Lord working there- they can that all these things I offer them are not mine, but are actually God reaching and working through me. I am here so that they may know the true character and heart of the King.

Village Days

Me and Lauren decided to go to Bombo and spend a few days with the boys in our homes. We have been here 5 days, and its been amazing. Sometimes its hard for me to stay in the village. Its harder to live out here; there are bugs and no electricity. And although it may sound wimpy, it wears you out! But I have really enjoyed this stay. I got over my fear of bugs (when you get tired enough, you don’t really care what may be in your bed...) Mostly what has been great is hanging out with our boys. I love them so much, and they make my  heart warm. The first night I was here, I went to our older boys house to have dinner and do devotion. I had forgotten how it is, living with them, when nobody else is watching. What a “normal” family dinner looks like, without teams or guests. I missed it so much! I missed hearing devotions with them, and listening to what they learned from the bible. I even missed posho and beans. That first night, I literally smiled for all of dinner- the boys kept looking at me like I was crazy, but I was just so happy.

We had so much fun just hanging out.  I have played endless card games, and gotten ten dozen hugs (which is actually a specific prayer request that got answered in an unexpected way :) I loved watching the boys dance at church. I know what parents must feel like, those moments you get to watch your kids before they know your looking, when they are completely themselves just being silly or sweet. I love those moments, and I have seen many of them these past few days. We are trying to put together files for each of the boys here. We need them for official reasons, and we also just want  the boys to be able to look back at their lives. They are disconnected from their families, and histories. We want to write them down, so someday the boys will have it on paper. We don’t want them to forget little things, like what their grandparents names were, or if they had a best friend in their village. Do do this, we interviewed each boy about their lives. Me and Lauren did it this weekend, and it turned out to be a really cool experience. I got to hear the full story of some of the boys I have known for a long time. Boys that have never told their story to anyone finally opened up. I think tomorrow, I may post one story that really touched my heart, but for now I will just say they were great and brought us all closer.

I feel so honored, that God brought these boys into my life. I feel SO blessed to be able to see them grow up, and to be a part of their lives. I feel like I could float when I am with them, the joy they bring me. Being with them also always draws me closer to our Creator.  The village is also stunningly beautiful. At night, the breeze cools everything down. The grass and trees look like something out of the Lion King. The sunsets take your breath away. But the thing I love most are the stars! They are so bright, and so endless. I could spend an eternity looking at them. When I am somewhere as beautiful as this, I can hear God’s heartbeat and feel his breath. He is all around us.

There are these moments in life where you just wish time would stop. They are achingly beautiful, or joyful. In these moments, I feel so alive, I overflow with love. They are perfect little pieces of Heaven here on Earth. They are God’s Kingdom already built. And it hurts because I want to soak them up, but I cannot get enough. It makes me look forward to eternity, knowing that it will be spent like those moments. But for now, I praise Jesus for bringing me to Uganda. Because out of all the places I’ve been, I get to live somewhere where these glimpses of Heaven happen all the time.

Birthday Surprise

So today was Eddy’s 15th birthday. I must admit, I feel pretty old to call a 15 year old my son! I wanted the day to be really special, so a few days ago I began arranging a surprise for him.

I’ve said it before, but Eddy used to be in our forever homes. Before that, he was on the streets. Throughout that time, Eddy had a best friend with whom he did and shared everything. Kato went from the streets to the home with Eddy, and they have a bond that is pretty special. They are the same age, and the same year in school, even in the same class (which is like, what exact semester you’re in). Each time I see one of them, they tell me to pass a hello on to the other. They haven’t been able to see each other for the past two years, because Kato stayed in our homes when Eddy ran away. Needless to say, you have to really love someone to ask about them when you don’t EVER get to see or communicate with them. That's pretty solid friendship.

So, my surprise was to bring Kato to Kampala for the day :) It worked out really well, because Lauren has bonded with Kato, and so she wanted to spend the day with him anyways. At around 12, Lauren and Kato came from Bombo. It was pretty adorable, watching Kato pace around our house, waiting for Eddy to show up. Out of all the kids I know, Eddy and Kato are very cool; they definitely care about image. Seeing Kato shamelessly excited was really something. At one point, Kato disappeared. I called for him, but couldn’t  find him anywhere. Then, I looked down in the garden and saw Eddy walking with him. The two of them were deep conversation, holding hands (*In Uganda, its weird if a girl and a guy show affection, but its not weird at all if two guys or girls do. Holding the hand of your friend shows how close your friendship is, and isn’t considered gay at all). When we called to them, Eddy came up to me with this HUGE smile on his face- he kept smiling like that all day, and by the end he told me his mouth hurt.

We went over to Garden City, where there is an arcade with bowling. We taught them to bowl, and the boys played together all day. In the evening we went to dinner at Eddy’s favorite restaurant, and the boys got ice cream for dessert. It was fun spending time with them, because I love them a lot. But the real fun of the day was watching the two of them together. You can just tell when two people have that special bond. That David and Jonathan connection. I feel very blessed in my own life to have a few friends like that, and to have one of them with me in Uganda. Having Abby is truly one of the biggest blessings I’ve ever received, and her friendship fills me up daily. I also know what its like to miss friendships that close (love you girls ;) It made my day, watching the boys together.

Thank you Jesus, for giving me friends to share this walk with. Friends who have been with me each step of the way, through the hard times, and the blessings. Friends who cried my tears, and shared my joy. You’ve given me such a gift! I pray that you would nurture those friendships, and bless them.

El Roi

Yesterday, Abby and David left for two weeks in Tanzania. Yesterday also marked one of the most terrifying experiences of my life in Uganda.

Me and Lauren were leaving street programs; she was going to evening service at Streams of Life church, and I was going home due to a migraine. As I was explaining to her boda driver how to get to the church (she didn’t know) a police officer came over and requested that I follow him to the tiny station across the street. Now, he was smiling, and it was a request. He told me “you’re not in trouble, we just want to talk”. Thinking his behavior was strange, I refused. A few moments later, another officer came and requested the same thing. Having just sent Lauren off to the church, and feeling pressure (this guy was more insistent) I agreed to follow him. I was feeling uncomfortable, and nervous already but he insisted that I step inside. Once I got inside the small building, I was confronted by the very angry lead officer. This man had only had the position for 2 weeks, and he was trying to prove himself (he literally told me that he arrested me so people would take him seriously). Because I was scared, I snapped at him, asking what he wanted. This made him even more furious. He asked me for my passport (which I never carry with me) and when I couldn’t produce it, he placed me inside a holding cell.

Now, thank God that Lauren had the foresight to call Uncle Abdul, who was still at programs, and she quickly called to let me know Abdul was on his way. When I told the officer that my Ugandan friend was coming to speak on my behalf, he let me out of the cell, and told me to sit in his office. The officer then spent the next 10 min verbally assaulting me- telling me I was no better because of my skin color, that he was going to show me how powerless I am, that police are “Jesus on earth” (honestly, he said that over and over... um talk about injustice), and that he was going to punish “rich people acting suspiciously”. Here, police can arrest you if they even suspect you’re going to do something wrong; this means they can fabricate just about any reason to arrest someone. There is no procedures on holding people, and no rights for the suspect. I could have been thrown away, and forgotten about if this man had decided he wanted it that way. Fortunately,  Abdul came running, and he brought with him Pastor Nelson (the pastor of Grace church, where we run programs. He is VERY respected in the community).  I praise God for provided these godly men to come and help me. They persuaded the officer to let me go, on the condition that I come back the following day (today) with Lauren to produce our passports.

We did end up going back today, but the officer was gone. He call and told us to wait, but on the advice of several of our uncles we decided to leave. The officer has no legal reason to see our passports, and no reason to hold us. Its a power game to him, and we aren’t playing. I could use prayers that God continues to provide for me in this situation, and that this officer forgets about us (which I think he will...).

Needless to say, this was all very scary. I have seldom felt so out of control, realizing that I was completely at the mercy of this corrupt officer. The more I look at the behavior of this man, the more it frightens me- how out of control he was combined with how much power he has. All I could do was pray- pray that God would protect me. Pray that He would send help. Pray He would give me the right words to say. Pray  He would calm the man. I was powerless and totally defenseless, but God is strong. To be honest, its going to take me awhile to process all of it, but there are a few things I’ve concluded. This has brought me deeper understanding street kids. How must they feel, that their entire lives are like this? How powerless and scared they must be! Knowing that everyone is more powerful than you, and that nobody will come to your defense is horrifying. It brought me closer to my boys, and gave me a fresh perspective of what they go through. The second thing I know right now is that God is my protector. He called me to be here, and that is really hard sometimes. I am a foreigner, single, young, and often helpless. God however knows all of this. He knows my needs, and hears my cries before I ever call out to Him. He hems me in before and behind, and I am precious in His sight. There is a Hebrew name for God, El Roi. It means "the Strong One who Sees"... to know that that God was looking out for me and protecting me brings me so much comfort and peace. There is a great quote in the Narnia series by C.S. Lewis. Mr. Beaver is describing Aslan (who, if you know anything about the books, represents Jesus).

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

My world is not always safe- I am sorry to disappoint all of you at home :) Jesus is NOT safe.
Following Jesus is risky, but he is always with me.
El Roi is always watching over His daughter,
And He is good.

The Secret Ingredient is Love

Abby’s parents were in town this week, and they are amazing! On Monday, after spending some time in the city, the 5 of us (me, Abby, David and her parents) went out to the village to visit our Forever Home boys. That night, Abby had the idea to cook a Mexican meal for all the boys. At 8:30pm me, Lauren and Abby assembled in the tiny kitchen to begin. We realized we would need a little help, since we were running late. The boys all jumped in right away! Drissa, Mondae, Emma, Masoke, Ibra, Amos, Ashlaf, and little and big Bashil all squeezed into the little kitchen with us, grabbed knives and got to work. It was so fun, all of us in the little kitchen making Mexican together. Me and big Bashil got to work on the guacamole. We cut avocados, and debated the best way to dice them (my way being superior, obviously :) We chopped and sliced tomatoes and peppers, and added about a cup of salt. Cutting the onions made us both cry a ton, which was funny because we were both sniffing and dabbing our eyes every two seconds. Overall the meal was good, and the boys really enjoyed it, but the best part was cooking it with them. There is nothing quite like bonding over a little charcoal stove. Our little tiny kitchen, crammed with people, was overflowing with laughter and love.

The next morning (which was actually earlier today...) we all got up and headed over to the younger boys home. Abby’s parents bought the boys a trampoline, and all the boys had gathered to play. Abby got out a ton of card games, and we all broke into groups playing various games. Mondae got out Memory Match, which I LOVE, and we played a few very intense rounds (for the record, we tied twice, and both won once). Abby and little Ibra (who just joined the house a few days ago!) got out Go Fish and me and Mondae played that as well. Playing with Mondae was great- we laughed and laughed and were super competitive, but it was okay because he knows how much I love him.

Doing anything with a big group of the boys is fun for two reasons. First, because they are (mostly) teenage boys, and they just make me laugh. They do and say funny things all the time. For example, when making dinner, Emma decided he was going to make a song about guacamole, which was great because he could hardly pronounce the foreign word. Listening to him sing, and the other boys chiming in with their own renditions was hysterical. Its also fun because I know them all so well. I know their personalities and hearts, but like any “parent” I love discovering new things about them as they grow up. I have poured into their lives for the last three years, and am especially close to all the older boys. I can joke with them, and not worry about offending them. Its easy to be with them, and I find my time with them to be really relaxing. Honestly many of my fondest memories here are lazy Saturdays and Sundays spent like yesterday; just hanging out, doing nothing but building relationships and pouring into these kids. I love those boys so deeply, and am so proud of them, I cannot say it enough.

Tonight at dinner, we were commenting on how far the boys have really come. How drastic their healing is. Some of these kids honestly looked hopeless when they first came home. They were so broken, their attachment so dysfunctional it looked beyond repair. I think a few of them would have become true sociopaths if they hadn’t come home. They would have grown into men who beat their wives or girlfriends, and left their families. They would have become drunks, or gang members. Now they are growing into men of Christ. They have love and respect for women, and are going to make great fathers. Sometimes I hear people say they don’t believe God preforms miracles in the same way He used to. Those people don’t see what I see. Our boys are a miracle; God saved them, and His love is healing them. People should stop looking for miracles like bread falling from the sky, or seas to part (not that God couldn’t do that). Our boys are healing one day at a time. The changes are small on a day to day basis, but looking back at the past three years, they seem unreal. If you really want to see God preform miracles, try looking at the small stuff.