Thank God for Planes

This is just a little blurb about being a missionary in the modern world. I wanted to praise God for all the beautiful minds He created, for all the technology we have. I have read a lot of personal accounts from missionaries living in the 19 and 20th century, and it makes me realize how amazing I have it. On Friday, I am moving across the world, while that seems daunting, its really only about 2 days away by plane. Airfare is reasonable, and travel is uncomplicated. If I was making this trip 100 years ago, it would look drastically different. I would be staying goodbye to my parents at a doc, ready to part with them possibly forever. Many missionaries left their families for good, either being to poor or to ill to ever travel back to their homelands. I get to see my family in 6 months. While I am whining about the difficulties of my super long flight, its really going to be over in 2 days. If I was making this trip in 1912, I would be facing months at sea, and many stops in foreign countries. When I arrived in Africa, I would have had to hire a guide to take me into the bush, where I would have stayed in a mud hut. I would have traveled days to mail even a letter, and I would have been very isolated.
Now, I don't always get electricity, and by American standards I am very poor. But I have internet. I can Skype with my family, and see their faces. I can send endless emails, and look up Facebook to see what is going on in the social world. I can meet other white people in my city, and eat at American cafes. Going out to the village takes an hour by taxi, and even there we have solar lighting. I have a cell phone. I have a laptop. I have DVDs :) Thank Jesus for all the little things that make my life easier!

Next time I post, I will be in Uganda!! If you are reading this before then, I have a few prayer request specifically for traveling...
1. That I would feel God with me, and not feel so isolated (I always get super lonely when I am traveling)
2. That my travels would go smoothly. That my bags would arrive with me, and that my flights are all on time. 
3. That God gives me peace during this transition time. He wants me to do this, and I am not brave enough on my own. That my anxiety would be low, and I would be calm and have peace about leaving my family.

Thanks to everyone reading this that prays for me- it really means a lot that I am supported, and that I have this wonderful community!

God Sees

   Recently a 19 yr old girl from my church and college community went missing. Its been devastating searching for her, and I cannot even report a happy ending (yet). I don't know when she will be found, or what state she will be in- I cannot see her, or know what she is thinking. What I can see is the loss this is for her family and our community. I can see the toll its taking on everyone, worrying and wondering and praying. But it has been an amazing blessing to see everyone show up to support her family, and to search. People have been searching, hiking in dense brush for her day and night. The prayer community is even larger; prayer warriors from all over are lifting this up to our God constantly. There are SO many people who desperately want her home, and who will not stop looking until she is safe.
   Its been hard for me on two levels. I want her home and found too- I am praying and searching. But on another level, in 6 days I will be joining a group of kids nobody misses. My boys are younger than 19, and more broken. They come from tragic situations and face the streets. Outside A.P.I. and a few other ministries, not one person cares about them. They are a problem. They are unwanted. Nobody from their families forms search parties to bring them back. Nobody in their villages calls for the government to care (not that the government would EVER care even if that happened). I look at the unending, ever expanding search and network of people who are looking for this one precious girl to come back... and yet thousands upon thousands of kids go missing every day. Nobody notices, and life moves on.
   What would the world look like if when every child went missing, we put out this kind of effort? What if we never stopped until they were safe? What if we really prayed (like my community is praying right now) for each of those kids? What if race didn't matter, and we honestly treated them all the same? My boys were once in families like this girl- maybe loved maybe not, but they belonged somewhere. There is a saying, it takes a village to raise a child. Therefore, it takes a village to loose/ kill one (taken from When Invisible Children Sing).
   Here is the great news- God cares. We have a Father who NEVER stops searching, trying to bring back His children (no matter how old they are). He never looses them, or forgets them. He never ceases trying to save them, and bring them to safety. He will never stop until this beautiful girl in my church is found, just like He will never stop until my boys are safe. Because He cares for all His children :)

Sacrifice

sac·ri·fice/ˈsakrəˌfīs/

Noun:

An act of slaughtering an animal or person or surrendering a possession as an offering to God or to a divine or supernatural figure.

So the next 12 days are going to be really hard for me. If you think of it, I could use some extra prayers- I need some divine peace :) I keep thinking of all the people I need to say goodbye to, and all the things I am letting go of (like my pets) and its breaking my heart. I love my boys, and my job, and Uganda, but I love this too. I love my jeep, and my house and America. I love my friends and family more than words, and I am going to miss them like crazy. I am grieving the loss of this time, and these relationships, because no matter what they will change. People change, and life goes on, and I will never come back to this place in time again. I know that God has blessed me with friendships that will endure, but I won't be around for a lot of births and weddings, and its sad. My anxiety level is rising, and the hardest part is yet to come.

I recently read a quote about sacrifice in a book I am reading. The author is saying "sacrifice isn't sacrifice until it hurts". He is is so right! Humans don't like to surrender anything. Its hard to give up something, especially something you love. I keep thinking about Jesus, and his final moments in the garden. His whole life he knew what his purpose was, and he was willing to follow. He found joy in being able to serve God. He knew the importance of his choice, and he was going to do it out of love, because in fact he loved us too much to make another choice. Now, my life isn't on the line, and I am not about to make the biggest sacrifice ever made, but again get that glance into what Jesus was thinking.

He loved us, and because of that love he was bound to his choice. He would never have been happy if he hadn't made it. I love my boys, and so I could never really turn away from them. He also probably didn't realize how hard actually surrendering to God was going to be; we know from scripture that he was in so much anguish over his choice that he actually cried blood. That is not a picture of a man making a peaceful and joyous sacrifice. So while I know the choice I am making is right, its not easy. While I know it is what I was put on this earth to do, it isn't  perfect. Now its my turn to really sacrifice my life up to God, because this time it hurts. This time it takes true trust in His plan, and true surrendering of my own.

I have been listening to a worship song (Revelation Song) that says
"Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God almighty,
 Who was, and is, and is to come
 With all Creation I sing;
 Praise to the King of Kings
 You are my everything
 And I will adore You"
The end there- and I will adore you- keep striking me. Its a statement, but its also a command. I will adore You. Even when its hard, or I am struggling. I will adore my King, because He is worthy always. I will continue to sing His praise, no matter what. So I am sacrificing, and its going to get harder before it gets better. But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. Its going to bring God glory, and therefore it will bring me joy.

I will adore You

You know you're a missionary when...

- you come home every day with a “dust tan”

- you see something on the wall, and you wonder if it was a cockroach or a gecko. No matter what it was, it doesn’t frighten you anymore

- you save every plastic container you get, and recycle almost everything

- you find yourself feeding random street dogs rather than letting food go to waste

- you can accomplish almost any household fix with tape

- a knife is no longer just a kitchen utensil, it is a magic multipurpose tool with a +100 uses

- Skype is a huge financial blessing

- its not worth wasting drinking water on brushing your teeth

- your sheets are damp because they got caught in a sudden rain storm and didn’t dry before bed (the same thing can apply to clothing)

- you have a preference about how bugs are cooked

- you know all the songs at church, but don’t understand what the words mean

- you set aside a 4 hour time chunk for going to the bank


I know there are many more, and that some of these only apply to being in Africa. But being in America makes me realize all the fun things I’ve learned to think of as normal :)

White Flag

There is a song by Chris Tomlin called White Flag. The lyrics go...
"We raise our white flags We surrender all to you all for you. We raise our white flag The war is over love has come, Your love has won"
  Throughout my decision to move to Uganda, I've faced some serious disapproval. And although I really am safe where I am going, and not afraid at all, I want to set the record strait. 

The truth is that I find total purpose and joy in serving Him and my kids. But even if I didn't, I would still do it. Why? Well, I call myself a Christian. I say I serve the Lord. God says that following Him means giving up everything. It means selling all you have, and dropping what you're doing to run after Him. This weekend at the College Life retreat, our speaker talked about serving God- understanding how big He is, and how unbelievable His love is. If we REALLY understood that, then its worth it all. If I really believe what I say I believe, then I need to put it ALL on the line. If my God is as big as I say He is, then nothing about me or myself is more important than bringing Him glory. 
My comfort is not more important.
My family is not more important.
My safety is not more important. 
Even my life is not more important. 

I want to go all or nothing for this King that I call my Father. I want my everything to hinge on belief in Him. I want to show people that I think He is worth risking it all for. There is no warm for Christ; He calls us to be cold or hot, but not warm. He says He will spit out what is warm- those are harsh but truthful words. I try and imagine what Jesus would say to me if I stayed. If I settled down and had a few kids, got a private practice in Counseling, and just went to church on Sundays, what would that say about what I believed? Now, I know lots of people who are living out their faith by raising children in a godly home and truly love Jesus. I am NOT saying that isn't a ministry in itself. And I am not saying that everyone's calling must be my calling. But what I am asking is what our speaker asked this weekend- if you found out that God wasn't real, and Jesus was a liar, how would your life change? Because if the only thing that changes is that your Sundays free up, there is a problem. If the only problem you run into is that the "foundation for your moral compass" must be redefined, there is something missing. 


Bottom line, I believe what I say, so I'm risking everything. That is why I am putting it all on the line. I am raising my white flag, I surrender all for Christ.

Mom means Always

Have I ever talked about Eddie? Probably, but recently he has been on my mind and heart a lot :)

So I first met Eddie when I visited Uganda in 2010. He was living in the home with API, but was running away a lot. Midway through our trip, Eddie left the home. Now I had not particularly bonded with him, and when I thought back on my trip months later he was not the first boy who came to mind. When I went back the following summer however, God gave me a passion for this boy. Eddie is 14, and he has been in many homes. He has also been hurt a lot, and that makes it hard for him to trust people. This is not a unique story with street boys, and so I hadn't given him much though. But in the year since I had seen him, Eddie had changed. He had been placed in another home in Kampala, which was not a very good boys home. He was living with about 50 other boys, most of whom had lice and bed bugs, and who were not going to school. He had school (a school in the slum, but still a school) fees paid by the home, and although his friends were not attending, Eddie was very focused on his work.
Needless to say, I was really impressed by his change of heart. He totally realized that he should not have run away from API, and had really suffered on the streets before he had been taken into his current home. Although it wasn't a great one, he was not about to blow his last chance. Even if he had, he would still be on my heart. I wanted to get Eddie out of the situation he was in- I really believed he deserved an..8th? chance. So I began working on finding him a school. My parents graciously agreed to sponsor him, and now Eddie is enrolled in one of the nicest Christian boarding schools in Kampala. He gets to stay at a nicer boys home on his holidays, with one of our uncles who also wanted to help him.
In the time it took to find him a good school, I also started spending quality time with him. We would go out to dinner once a week, and also some special occasions on the weekend (like swimming). I got to really know Eddie, who is a shy but honest and loving kid. He started opening up to me, and told me his whole story. Unlike all the other kids I work with, Eddie had no chance of going back to the API homes. I wasn't just working with him, and sharing responsibility with Abby and David and the other staff. Eddie became my responsibility. I didn't even fully realize this until we went to dinner one night. We were eating at one of his favorite restaurants, and Eddie began to tell me how much he loved and trusted me, and how I had helped him so much. He told me that he knew he had blown a lot of chances, but he was so blessed that I had given him another chance. He told me that he though of me like his mom, and asked me if he could call me that. Here is the thing- I don't let or encourage any of the boys to call me that. They had moms, and I am not her. And I don't act like a mom. Yes, I help parent, but Abby and David are the leaders in our homes, and then we have full time aunties and uncles. Mostly though, mom is forever and so I don't take it lightly. Moms don't leave. Moms take care of you, and forgive you even when things are hard or you make a mistake. They don't leave and not check back- moms are there on your wedding day, and for the birth of your first child. And you're responsible for your children, you have to actually raise them. So when Eddie asked me, I didn't take it lightly. I knew the weight behind that word, and I accepted it. The other day, I got a letter from him. One of the things he wrote was
"Mom, I miss you. I cannot believe that you chose me, out of all the boys on the streets or in Uganda. You picked me, and you're my mom. That makes me feel so special. I praise God for you".

That right there makes it worth it. Our relationship is different, and there are boundaries there that other mom-son relationships don't have, but that doesn't mean I don't love him like any birth mom (the same way I love all my boys really). Sometimes its hard, and I panic. I realize I have parenting decisions to make. I am moving to Uganda, and I will not leave Eddie to the care of friends. I will be there with him, and make hard choices that affect his future and life. In the span of a few months, I adopted a teenager (I often think about the possibility of actually adopting him, although for legal reasons that would be almost impossible). Now I ask my mom for parenting advice, and worry about Eddie and who he is spending time with, and how he is doing in school. I answer to his teachers when he misbehaves, and comfort him when he has a hard day. And its crazy, but so is my Ugandan life. And I cannot do it alone, but I have a God who won't abandon me, and friends to help me. And so I do the best I can, and stumble through it, and love this kid who somehow became my son.

Beauty from Pain

Over the past few months, my family has been going through a lot of changes. We are not a family who likes change, and literally everything is evolving. I could call it ending too- my family, as I've known it for the past 21 years, is ending. But new things are beginning out of it. Its been a hard ride, and someday I will probably look back at this as one of the hardest years of my life. But even in the midst of all of my hurt and confusion, God is growing me into someone I hardly recognize. And its someone more like Him.
Daily I find myself pondering new revelations. The most recent one is this.. everyone is living a different life, therefore nobody will EVER know what its like to be in my shoes. At first, this was a super frightening and lonely idea. And then it dawned on me- Jesus does. He promises that I belong to Him. He lives within my heart, and experiences everything I do. He knows every hurt, every joy, and every thought because He is with me always. I am not constant, but God always is. He never lets me down, or lets me go. The more we go through this journey of life together, the more I become like Him.
I don't think that God expects me to actually find joy in every hardship, but I think He offers hope in the mist of them. Because even when things are super difficult, and my human eyes are blind to the meaning of events, God can see them. He isn't a mean God, and doesn't create suffering. But He does use suffering to grow me, and to mold me into the woman He created me to be. The painful events of today are shaping my future. They are molding my ideas on marriage, ministry,  parenting, and friendship. There is a song that puts my feelings into words and it says...

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Thanks Jesus, for such a wonderful promise :) Thanks for working hard for me, for making my life all it can be. Thanks for letting me cling to you, and for blanketing me in Your love.